To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

you really need to stop with the "normal working week".
Assuming the employee is not on minimum wage, most jobs do require a bit of flexibility.
100% this.....most professional jobs require a degree of flexibility and that usually works both ways.

I would also be pissed off if my husband was trying to micro-manage me:

"You need to ask your boss WHY, you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to enquire about time off".

It's my job, butt off, if I am old enough to work and go on a work trip, I am old enough to manage my boss!

"The trip is inconvenient!", fine. It is.
Anything else? it's ridiculous.

Some people are SO self righteous. OP just stated that it's an additional stress getting the kids ready for bed and tidying the house, when she has had her long day at work. What's unclear about that? It doesn't mean she has a terrible marriage where she gives her DH a list of chores and never helps out of needed. Just that FIL does a lot less (understandably) and she will take the strain. It's not that complicated!

I think it is really rude of the boss to book flights on Saturday without checking, which are presumably just more convenient for him.

I don't know whether the relationship DH has with his boss means it would be reasonable for his to comment on this. Otherwise, and as to the rest, I'm afraid that is just life and at least you do have the FIL. A lot of people don't have that.

It is rubbish, but it doesn't sound like DH's fault. That said, I would tell him that if this ever happens again he really needs to be home Friday if there are any flights available.

DH has worked abroad quite a bit. If he is going to see one client in a certain location it often makes sense to fit in a few more. How long is the flight home and are the flights frequent and direct? Is it a short European hop or a long international flight?

I sympathize in that I find it increasingly difficult when my husband isn't selling to juggle everything, but you are also being unreasonable in taking this out on him.

My husband goes away a few times a year. Its hell. I have one disabled child who needs extra care and who wakes a lot in the night and another who has insomnia. And I'm juggling working etc. If he's away I get just a few hours of broken sleep, no evening and then have to work.

But it is what it is.

Your working hours and commute sounds fairly normal btw. Not easy to juggle by yourself but not what I was anticipating when you were talking about a high stress job, and surely manageable for a few days.

I think YABU, it's a one off thing and you have forward notice. You'll survive. Book yourself some time off in half term. Buy ready meals. Just do the bare minimum of tidying and cleaning.

Guessing you're an academic, I am too and I fully understand what you mean about being exhausted after a full day of teaching, I hardly know my own name by Tuesday evening this semester.

I do think you need to just suck it up though, it's not like it's all the time, it's a one-off. It'll be shit (DH goes on a week long conference at least once a year while I'm teaching and we have no family nearby to help) but you'll get through it and not have to do it again.

Personally I'd sack off on the drama front and just suck up a messy house.

I am no stranger to a challenging home life and all that SEN or other issues that affect a child’s equilibrium bring so absolutely no judgment from me on that score whatsoever.

You say your set up is designed for two parents not one (which -seeing as you are complaining of feeling judged - might I say I find might cause other posters on this thread to feel inferior seeing as the vast majority of us started out that way!)

Genuine question…..
are you therefore actually saying that you or your husband actually could not parent your two children solo and without the other one’s constant input to the point that you would require extra help for any reasonable length of time when you are not both physically together to accommodate this ?

I struggle to understand how a parent could make such a big deal about having to deal with their own children, so yes, it is complicated.

I can't even imagine how that would work in real life, if parents don't routinely take turn for any reason, and having to do bed and bathtime ALONE is such a dramatic unexpected occurrence.

There's not even the normal stress of rushing to pick up the kids on time, someone else is doing it anyway!

It's the mother of the kids, not a new au-pair who's completely lost.

Given the cost of hotels for additional night, this is highly unlikely.

Only read the OP's posts but I would be very suspicious about whether this trip has mysteriously grown to include Friday night because the boss fancies a night out away from his own family........

And possibly assumes that the OP's DH would want that too, and maybe he does.

I think you're really overreacting. That's life, stuff comes up and sometimes the working week is even more of a nightmare than usual.

Don't punish him on the Sunday either, as some PPs have suggested. Let somethings slide, don't tidy up as much as usual, get some ready meals.

I agree this is unlikely and I wouldn't believe it for a moment. His boss has probably offered him a day's jolly or something.

I guess this depends on how late the flight lands and how far everyone lives from the airport. We live in Devon. If I had to take a flight that landed in Heathrow after midnight, I would have to stay in hotel in London which may cost even more.

Of course if I could take a flight that landed in Bristol at 10pm, I would definitely rather do that.

Sorry if we already have that information.

husband probably told him about the atmosphere and the drama at all, and boss offered him a break to cheer him up 😂

I’m confused by your question- I never said we couldn’t parent single handedly to facilitate work trips, I just don’t like having to do it?

Regular solo parenting is not an arrangement I’d enter into willingly. If our circumstances changed and I had to, I’d get on with it but I wouldn’t be thrilled about having to make significant changes to my life and career to take on 100% of responsibility for the kids.

This is such an unrealistic Mumsnet response.

It doesn’t happen often and it’s out of his hands. He’s not on a lads jolly (is he allowed to go on those?) and you giving him the silent treatment is not right.

Boss is an AH for just making the assumption that 'it makes sense' for everyone to get back on Sat vs Friday. You other half is a bit wet for not saying anything about it, and YANBU to be annoyed by this.

But is is only the one off. You can deal with it. Let the standards slip a bit for a few days. Bung in the oven meals / a takaway (or two), ditch the drama club for a week. Make it as easy for yourself as possible. Also let him know you'll need some time to yourself on Sunday to recoup a bit.

Even if the Friday night is a bit of a jolly... that's kind of the deal with working away from home. Far better the DH actually gets home a tiny bit refreshed rather than getting into Heathrow at 1am Saturday morning.

Can you ask him to ask his boss if it's possible to change his flight so he's home Friday instead?

These things do happen at the last minute sometimes in business. Clients move meetings, people are ill etc and you have to change plans. Yes I do think people should have some form of plan in case the unexpected happens.

I agree it’s annoying and it’s going to be hard work for you, but it’s not a regular thing and if him being out of the picture for a few days is that much of an upheaval in your life then he must be doing a lot to keep things going normally, so be appreciative of that and certainly don’t give him the silent treatment about it. I’m sure there’ll be times when he has to do it on his own if you go away. It sounds like he does a lot already.

Id book a temp nanny for the week including Saturday. Remove DFIL more or less from the equation. And tell DH that it's on him.