To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

No, I know, I didn't say they did. A couple of posters mentioned that salaried professionals don't tend to get overtime and was just putting my two penneth in as DH works for a well-know massive employer who does give OT

Not that it is particularly relevant to the thread!

It's a one off, you've got help with pick ups and childcare from FIL, just get some easy dinners in, do the minimum of cleaning and tidying and you're done. Leave the kids with your OH on Sunday for a bit while you get some me time.

My DH works away regularly, we have no help other than paying for nursery and after school club. I think the only time I've got pissed off with it is when he facetimed me from Hamburg on a Friday to tell me he needed to go to New York on Sunday. I had a quick cry and then sent him a list of duty free items I'd like.

I know! It always surprises me on mumsnet when people do an exactly one hour lunch break, leave exactly at 5, and anything over is “overtime”. I thought it was literally just public sector shift workers who had this. Loads of normal jobs have regular international travel that goes over evenings, weekends etc and would be laughed out the office for an overtime claim. I don’t think anyone in my office has ever left before 7pm! Not even sure anymore what the contracted hours are.
But I do like the idea of overtime pay!

It's the refusal from so many posters to accept that their opinion is not a fact,
or that one experience doesn't mean everybody has the same.

You might work your contracted hours, no more no less, it can't be such a surprise that others work for targets or deadlines, and have much more flexible contracts.

They don't "work for free", they are not restricted by a rigid timetable. Contracts of employment are written very differently!

If my husband gave me the silent treatment for two days and threw a tantrum like spoilt toddler just because I had to go on a brief business trip, I would be seriously reevaluating our relationship.

Lets' be honest, it's rarely the better paid roles or the more interesting ones that are so rigidly 9 to 5 on the dot.

Agree. I would be put off dh for being so pathetic unable to cope with what seems like a fairly normal situation. And the op had Fil to help!!

Op how do you think single/lone parents cope? You had to do this as a very infrequent situation and you made such a drama over it, whinging in details about the times and you 'battling' bedtime routines and managing your own kids. Really find that pathetic tbh.

I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted
As your other days are only 6 hrs a full day leaves you in this state.
Tbh I think you come across as selfish and entitled, parenting your own kids for one evening and a Saturday and your DH is been given the silent treatment. If this was a man posting he'd have his arse handed to him.

I would make sure he took back a day in lieu one day in Oct half term so that you can relax and go off doing whatever makes you happy.

If the pedantry is being taken to this level, would it not be the DH takes a days leave to do the arduous task of dinner and bed to cover parents evening for OPs work?

I wouldn't be happy either. Do you think they're squeezing in some golf/leisure activity on Friday or Saturday morning?

It sounds stressful but hopefully a one off?

I would give drama a swerve in saturday. Just for one week

It's not a race to the bottom, though.

Just because you work until 7pm and don't get paid overtime, doesn't mean that's something everyone should aspire to. Every job I've ever worked has come with overtime pay and/or TOIL even when I was in management.

I wouldn't work for free. That's a mugs game IMO.

It is a mugs game. Unfortunately there is little or no alternative in some industries - I have rarely been able to claim overtime, but I could claim TOIL, which was usually a more useful outcome for me.

You are being SO unreasonable

You sound like you resent him going on the trip in the first place. He probably did say Saturday would be fine but told you he had no say because you'd been whinging and whining about the trip as it was.

You also seem to resent spending time with your children. One whole hour of playing in a field with youngest? Oh how terrible....

It's one week where you're expected to parent. As PP have said, if a man was complaining he'd have been rightly put in his place.

And silent treatment? Good luck coping full time with children on your own if you keep that up and he walks...

Not that I expect OP to be back to the thread of course

I wouldn't work for free. That's a mugs game IMO.

I might not get paid overtime but I get an annual leave entitlement which is way above average and a significant amount of flexibility. Plus they pay me well.

That's worth having to go above my contracted hours every now and then.

Sorry op, yabu. It’s a one-off and out of his control so I think you just have to suck it up. Yes it may be a bit tricky but it will be over before you know it.

Also, I think yab a bit u expecting your dh to just jump back into full-on parenting. I used to travel a lot for work as did dh and it was exhausting. We’d always give each other an evening or so grace before being expected to get stuck in. There is no way dh would expect me to get in late on a Friday eve and crack on with bath and bed after a long week travelling. He’d have had dinner and a glass of wine ready. Although I would have been up first at the weekend to give him a lie in.

Oh my God, imagine a grown adult who works hard all week having the fucking nerve to enjoy themselves for an evening! I think instead he should go to bed early with dry toast and black tea, reflect on his errors and maybe read improving parenting manuals instead. 🙄

Well, exactly. You've decided your job has perks that are worth not being paid overtime for.

I don't even know how overtime would work for the kind of business trip described by OP. Would dinner with clients be classed as work? It should be. How about dinner with colleagues, which is still kind of work? What about being forced to sleep away from home? You're only doing it for the benefit of your employer.

When I'm travelling with business it feels like I am working every moment I am awake, as no matter what I am doing (working, eating, being taken on a tour around local sights) I am representing my employer.

That would be a lot of overtime pay even for just a four day trip!

Sadly, I don't get paid overtime. 😥😥😂

exactly!

Also for many jobs, the contracted hours really don't matter. You work to win a contract, a client, to meet a target or a deadline. You are grown-ups, you can manage your own workload based on the business needs.It's your own interest to get things done.

The flexibility and not having to book and "official" day of annual leave every time you need a few hours here and there is much more pleasant.

It's the opposite of a mug game.

I can't picture someone coming up saying their husband/ wife has requested they put an overtime claim through 😂

Please tell me this is a joke post?

I don't think yabu.

Yes it's an infrequent work trip but your dh agreed to a 2 night trip, surely his boss knows he has a family and therefore associated commitments and should have checked with him regarding extending it each time. DH is a grown man and should be saying he can't just go away for 4 nights when it was supposed to be 2.

My dh would be exactly the same, going along with it and expecting me to just deal with it. For me it's that part that pisses me off. The expectation that they can go off without bothering about the effect it has on you and you just have to figure out a way to do all of the responsibilities that are normally shared.

Yes there are plenty of single parents and families with one partner working away much of the time, but they would plan their routines accordingly just as you have as a partnership. DH suddenly ditching his parts for a few nights stuffs it up and its not unreasonable to be a bit pissed off about the impact on you.

There is a small handful of folks who feel the same , it’s shocking anyone feels looking after their own child is a chore. There is no way to hide that from the poor kid as well. Sure if there was additional needs, but in the absence of this, do some folks really resent feeding their own kid or putting them to bed four nights running because their partner has to go on a rare work trip? That a relaxing evening involves not looking after your own.

and these petty bickers arise where they argue about whose turn it is. Like looking after your kid is akin to emptying the dishwasher.

no wonder half of all marriages end in divorce and so many kids leave home when they can and don’t look back.

its always the folks like this who give it, but I thought the marriage was happy, or I did everything for my kid, when the truth is they resented the heck out of it and made everyone suffer if they had to do more than their fair share, like, as said, emptying the dishwasher

surely his boss knows he has a family and therefore associated commitments and should have checked with him regarding extending it each time. DH is a grown man and should be saying he can't just go away for 4 nights when it was supposed to be 2.

So, for example, boss finds that while they're in Foreign City he can arrange meetings with a couple of potential clients he's been wanting to make contact with for some time. It's a bit last minute, but it could be a really good thing for the business if he can get a deal. He really needs dh with him at the meetings, because dh is the technical expert, while boss deals with the financial side of things.

He tells dh, and dh says 'sorry boss, no can do. I can't be away for four nights when I told dw I'd only be gone for two.'

Definitely not a mugs game!
I get a hefty salary and I organise my own work load. So if I wanted to go to an appointment or pick up my children or finish at 12 on a Friday to see friends for a nice boozy lunch I wouldn’t need to ask permission or get annual leave. I just put it in my calender as private/unavailable and off I go! It would seem very out of keeping to them ask for overtime for a client meal or a work ski trip!