To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

Childcare has been sorted.

Nah I think your week sounds standard!! It’s annoying he’s away but putting the dc to bed by yourself and doing the activity run with a toddler squirming is all pretty run of the mill parenting stuff!
We have lots of dc and I always have at least one toddler or baby in tow doing the Saturday morning activity run..like you say you just take them in a random walk and bring them a book and a little snack. And my DH is never home for bedtime! I think you need to suck it up

Sounds like there's going to be enough drama in the house anyway!

Your DS can skip drama club one week, and perhaps the following week he can offer to act out the performance you're giving as a downtrodden wife and mother expected to look after her own DCs for four entire evenings (including preparing food AND tidying up) with only her doting FIL to take care of them most of the time for free.

If you are giving DH the silent treatment for this I wouldn't be at all surprised if he announced they have to stay away until Monday. Sorry, but YABU.

Assuming you don’t have any reason to believe your DH is lying about his boss extending the trip, YABU.

I would make sure he took back a day in lieu one day in Oct half term so that you can relax and go off doing whatever makes you happy.

Oh, ffs. Don't skip the drama class! That's just ridiculous!. Drive the other kid to the nearest cafe. Have hot chocolate and cake. Go back. Pick up other kid.
And don't get your dp to berate his boss like something out of a 1970's sitcom. Work shit happens.

It would piss me off yes. But if it’s too late to change flights it’s too late. If this comes up again ideally your husband will tell his boss that due to family commitments including your own job, last minute extensions won’t be possible.

Is he getting overtime for this?

I would probably want a more chilled Saturday so would cancel children’s clubs as one less thing for you to stress over. I would let the house be a more of a state until Saturday when hopefully you can sort it while the children are at home? I think being stressed before it has began isn’t helping. Clearly his job is important to as it’s only twice a year I think you probably need to breathe through it. He probably knows how you feel each time he goes away. Maybe looking at a better life balance in the long run is a possibility. I.e working nearer to home?

oh please. What family commitments?

The OP does not have to change any of her schedule or any plans, it's her FIL who will pick up for his son. How is that such a massive issue?

There’s a meeting on Friday that finishes at 2pm and the flight home would have got them home late on Friday so the boss said it made more sense to come back Saturday.

So OP would still be doing bath and bed on the Friday anyway?

And yes, I can see why you’d choose to fly home on the Saturday instead - afternoon / evening flights often suffer from delays that have accumulated over the day.

OP is bloody lucky to have a FIL that can help with drop offs and pick ups.

As for Saturday morning - either skip drama or drop the eldest off and go for a walk with the youngest.

It’s a bit inconvenient but the drama in all of this is ridiculous.

YABU. Doesn't sound like it's a regular occurrence so I think you can suck it up for a few days. Skip the drama class or take the youngest one to a park whilst you wait. Get a couple of takeaways/frozen dinners for that week. This really is normal, everyday life for a lot of people.

My DH travels a lot with work, mainly to Frankfurt and Paris. We decdided to get a live in nanny and it has been a godsend. Can you try this? x

It wouldn’t bother you, congratulations I guess?

For a one off 4 night trip?

I am getting deja vu with this thread from a few months (I think) ago but not sure if it was a DH working away or a fun thing (possible stag?) with many posters being laid back about it and others being outraged and/or insisting OP be compensated.

genevie - 'is he getting overtime for this'?

Surely people understand that the vast majority of salaried professionals don't put in an overtime claim .

DH is a senior professional and does get overtime when it's necessary

Is he getting overtime for this?
Most salaried professionals don't get overtime.

I am not asking whether it's bothering me or not, I am asking how you can play the "family commitments" card when the schedule and plans of the other parents are not affected in any way.

I honestly do not believe some of the posters on this forum have any recent experience of an actual work place!

I thought you were going to say he is choosing to regularly travel with his job - not one rare never happened before week and never to be repeated week is about to happen. Seriously one week! Book a cleaner if you can't live with the extra mess for a few days.

And works for a massive organisation

But that doesn't mean all salaried professionals get overtime.
Overtime is very much not a thing where I work. We can use TOIL though.

I think it might help to separate out a few things here. It's perfectly ok to be pissed off at being cast in the role of default parent without any prior consultation. However, the target of the anger might be displaced.

If working away is not part of the DH's normal contracted role then it is actually quite crap for the boss to have arranged this to extend into a weekend. More and more companies are moving away from this sort of thing because it's actually very exclusionary (often rules out those with caring commitments for example and is known to have a relationship with career development). However, while I might be encouraging DH to consider if he can either influence EDI policy or change companies if he can't, I wouldn't otherwise be rocking the boat by telling him to challenge his boss. Jobs are precious. Any anger in this case needs to be directed at the boss.

The ever-changing goalposts are slightly different. Again, if DH has been an unwilling participant caught up in it, it's unreasonable to hold him responsible. However, if he's been involved in the conversation all the way the and hasn't kept his DW up to date, that should be challenged. Most of us don't mind stepping up at all when needed, it's the expectation that we will without even so much as a please or thank you that pisses people off. A little bit of respect and appreciation goes a long way.

The other thing to think about OP is whether or not this is subconsciously about your own career. It may be annoying you more because you're feeling taken for granted at work. If your subconscious is thinking that DH's career is maybe taking off a bit and now to add insult to injury you're also being taken for granted at home, instead of celebrating your partner's progress your feelings can easily morph into resentment at being left behind. That can be tricky to resolve but not impossible.

I don't think it's helpful to compare the situation to others. I've been a single parent with a demanding full time job and no family around but that doesn't mean I think the OP should suck it up. Doing so just leads to festering. Better to get it aired

Keep talking.

Never worked anywhere with overtime. They’d laugh. Especially if they were paying for an additional night in a hotel. It should be FiL who’s complaining.

I’m salaried and get paid when I work hours outside of my contracted time, always have. My husband gets paid for ‘unsocial hours’. Why would I work for free? But point taken that overtime is unusual, I didn’t realise.

Some people on this site seem to enjoy belittling others, I guess it makes you feel good. I can just accept that everyone has different opinions which might surprise, confuse or even shock me. But it’s not like something as mundane as this bothers me enough to give strangers attitude about it.