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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws bailing last minute... again!

339 replies

inlawsruinmylife · 16/10/2023 01:47

Supposed to be going away for a long weekend for our first wedding anniversary next week. DD (11 mo) is going to my inlaws. MIL begged us to let them have her, and I reluctantly agreed- she's had her a couple of times for the day and when we've collected her she's done nothing but complain about silly little things. She's also bailed on us last minute a few times for work... I appreciate that can't be helped, and I don't begrudge her for that, but for our first wedding anniversary I really wanted something reliable!

Anyway, she turned around and said she can only do 3 of the 4 days because she booked a trip last week (she's known about us going away for 8 months now). Okay no problem, I organised for my stepdad to pick DD up on the last day and we'd collect her when we got back.
Now she also agreed to have our dog, and turned around today and said "nope not having him, it will upset my dog too much" (a dog she's had for years and has spent plenty of time around ours with no issues). She's left us without enough time to secure a dog sitter we'd be comfortable with so looks like we're going to have to cancel our trip. I'll add this was supposed to be our first trip as a married couple as we had to cancel our honeymoon because I was so heavily pregnant.

So no trip and too late to get a refund. I'm quite upset about it but DH still wants to send DD to her for the long weekend anyway. AIBU to say no? Why would I send her down there for no reason and have to deal with the fallout afterwards?

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 10:45

@JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit You're being very forgiving of the MIL there.

Given that this is a first anniversary trip, and that it is supposed to replace a cancelled honeymoon, I think it should be obvious to any sentient being that this is a big deal for the OP and her husband and that the MIL wasn't just spending time with her grandchild for her own benefit.

She shouldn't have agreed to do it if she didn't think she was capable, and if she really felt she'd bitten off more than she could chew she should have just been honest, rather than booking her own clashing trip and all this nonsense about dogs and decorators.

RB68 · 16/10/2023 10:48

I had an issue with being let down by my usual dog sitter saying yes then week to go saying no - it was fine, I am on a local fb group and asked for recommends for in house dog minding ie in their house - I got about 6 recommends from people I do know and phoned round them, organised a meet up with their dog as well and all went well, dog had a ball and a mate for the week. I now have two minders possibly 3 that I can use in future, also found out the lady that minded her for quite a few years then stopped has started again so bonus

thecatsthecats · 16/10/2023 10:49

Just a thought - are there free spots in kennels near where you're staying, or en route? Or near MILs?

It possibly won't be consciously malicious of the MIL, but it doesn't make a difference what the reason is - whatever the source of her behaviour, she allowing it to crap all over OP.

(My own mum has this pathological worry that we will change our minds and not want to visit - to forestall this, she'll try and put us off by inventing a series of problems to overcome with each visit. Very tedious to navigate, but comes from a place of insecurity.)

Pacificisolated · 16/10/2023 10:51

I would definitely avoid using MIL as childcare in the future. I would be concerned she can’t cope with a very young child hence she flakes on you at the last minute.

CobwebsAndCauldrons · 16/10/2023 11:04

Ha! The last update does not show her in a favourable light at all.

Try not to be too angry, just because it is unpleasant for you. As your DH said to his Mum, she just won't ever be asked again.

Let the consequences be the punishment.

BubziOwl · 16/10/2023 11:07

RE your last update - I'm a bit of a cow, so I would have absolutely agreed to look after your MIL's dog and then bailed on her at the very last minute...

Rosscameasdoody · 16/10/2023 11:33

Your MiL is a smiling assassin. She’s known about the trip for 8 months, yet books a trip for herself to coincide with it. You organise your stepdad to cover so the trip is still on, so she says she now won’t take the dog, knowing it’s too late to organise anything else. That’s deliberate sabotage. I wouldn’t be sending DD - wouldn’t care if it looks vindictive or not tbh, she deserves it.

I would never rely on her again and be very careful of her in future. Doesn’t matter how accommodating she’s been in the past, letting you down like this isn’t on and I think the old adage of ‘when someone shows you who they really are, believe them’ is appropriate here. You now know she hasn’t got your back, so you behave accordingly. And your DH doesn’t want to stand up to her, otherwise he’d be with you in not sending DD. It’s one thing to be ‘utterly furious’ it’s quite another to let her know that.

HamstersAreMyLife · 16/10/2023 11:38

Tbh it sounds like whatever noises she makes MIL doesn't really want the responsibility of looking after your baby and dog. I don't blame her but super frustrated on your behalf that she didn't just say this! Glad you are sorted and can go away now, at least its just a one off and you aren't reliant on her for childcare

Peckahminn11 · 16/10/2023 11:39

Bloody hell OP. I'd kick off big time and never ever rely on her ever again

MeMySonAnd1 · 16/10/2023 11:42

BubziOwl · 16/10/2023 11:07

RE your last update - I'm a bit of a cow, so I would have absolutely agreed to look after your MIL's dog and then bailed on her at the very last minute...

I would probably feel like trying that but there are cows and cows, she may be more cunning at managing other women being cows to them and… at the end of the day, the painter coming early was most likely a lie and you may not had the hearth to leave her dog alone for a week if she went on holidays anyway.

tattychicken · 16/10/2023 11:44

I think she chose the decorating being done over your weekend. Committed to the decorator as that was more important to her, then she had to "undo" her commitment to you.

Coldinscotland · 16/10/2023 11:44

So now you know she will never be asked to have dd again. Ever... My ils never had our dc after telling me they would give our vegetarian dc meat.

MeridianB · 16/10/2023 11:50

GoldenSpangles · 16/10/2023 05:07

It is hard to think that this isn't deliberate sabotage. I mean she initially booked something so she could only do three days and then when you sorted that she raised the dog issue. I mean this was your special honeymoon replacement trip, she knew you were relying on her and who behaves like this at the last minute. Your husband needs to be prepared to stand up to his mother and you should have as little as possible to do with this nasty woman ever again. I'd tell your husband he should consider whether his mother might have dementia given her odd behaviour and, in the circumstances, it would be completely inappropriate to leave her in charge of your small child.

All of this. It just doesn’t come across as an error- much more deliberate. I think she’s jealous.

And if she moans about DD after begging to have her then I really wouldn’t let it happen any more. She sounds exhausting!

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 16/10/2023 11:59

@MargotBamborough … because I’m the mother in law! Busted! Hahaha.

Lol, JK. I just have a thoughtless mother of my own. I genuinely think lots of people are thoughtless sleepwalkers that just don’t have the required empathy. They think of everything in relation to themselves. And you can tie yourself in knots thinking it’s about you in some way but really it’s just that everything is about them.

It’s not so much coming from a place of “forgiveness” but rather more to do with being totally jaded and resigned to the shitness of others.

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 12:01

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 16/10/2023 11:59

@MargotBamborough … because I’m the mother in law! Busted! Hahaha.

Lol, JK. I just have a thoughtless mother of my own. I genuinely think lots of people are thoughtless sleepwalkers that just don’t have the required empathy. They think of everything in relation to themselves. And you can tie yourself in knots thinking it’s about you in some way but really it’s just that everything is about them.

It’s not so much coming from a place of “forgiveness” but rather more to do with being totally jaded and resigned to the shitness of others.

Appreciate the perspective.

Oh well, I guess at least the OP and her husband will be aware of the shitness of her MIL going forward and won't rely on her for anything important again.

ValerieGoldberg · 16/10/2023 12:13

Hope you get it sorted OP! If you don’t either go on your own or see if you can defer any of the bookings for a later date. Fingers crossed for you!

dutysuite · 16/10/2023 12:46

My own mother would do things like this, in the end I just stopped asking her or relying on her for any help, when she offered I'd just say no because it just wasn't worth the stress leading up to the event or the let down. We don't have any other family who could help so everything we ever did involved taking our children with us.

Beautiful3 · 16/10/2023 13:07

Fantastic update! I cannot believe she asked you to have her dog! 😂

PrinceHaz · 16/10/2023 13:14

So glad your mum and family can help. I’m trying to work out why MIL would do this if she dies actually like you. Is it just that’s she’s not very bright and a bit selfish?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/10/2023 14:04

Your MIL doesn’t actually like your relationship with her son. This was just passive aggressive nonsense. Glad your DH stepped up to the plate.

newYear10 · 16/10/2023 14:10

This is why I would never have a pet again. Grew up with having to cancel holidays/ plans/ pretty significant things because there wasn't anyone to take care of the dog!

Anyway yanbu.your dh should tell her exactly how much she has affected your plans and if I was you I would too. Why shouldn't you tell her? Fear of upsetting her, like hell would I care about her feelings when she clearly didn't about hers. What a nasty thing to do and I'm sure it was intentional too.

Inkpotlover · 16/10/2023 14:15

The cheeky mare wanting to drop her dog off! This would be the same dog that can't possibly be around yours?!! I'm so glad your DH told her where to go. Honestly, that is CFery and then some.

cheddercherry · 16/10/2023 14:16

Glad your family have rallied for you and you know now which side your bread is buttered so just don’t bank on MIL in future if you’re making fixed plans as clearly she’s bailed several times now.

Hope you do still get away and enjoy yourselves and it’s also refreshing to see a poster who’s husband has a backbone and will call out his parents behaviour when needed. happy anniversary in advance!

cheddercherry · 16/10/2023 14:19

Also, why can her dog cope at your house with your dog but not cope with your dog at her house? I know you say she likes you but from the outside that seems purposefully like causing trouble for troubles sake. Backfired obviously as she could have had DD for those three days as you suggested but now won’t and has shot herself in the foot for future childcare.

minipie · 16/10/2023 14:26

The absolute cheek.

Good on your DH and hope you get sorted.

As a last resort for the dog you could try TrustedHousesitters or Housesitters uk - ok randoms but with reviews!