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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
IHateLegDay · 15/10/2023 16:41

So if it's just banter and innocent, I'm sure her DH will have no problem with you sending the entire chat history to him, underwear pics included 😊

Let your DH shit himself 😊

Crumpleton · 15/10/2023 16:41

and now he just says he wants to have her in her knees and vice versa and he would do anything for and to her.

And there's the second question...

He's a real charmer.
Her DH needs to find out she's OK with your DH charm.

tenterden · 15/10/2023 16:41

Oh well, if there’s nothing iffy about the messages and you are totally over reacting then he won’t mind that the OW DH knows all about them will he?

Fucking arsehole.

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 16:42

Do NOT dread going home. Why would you? You have done absolute nothing wrong. Time to put your big girl pants on here op….walk in like you fucking own the place, because YOU DO. This shit is on him, not you. You can absolutely hold your head high, you’ve been honest and loyal, it’s him who hasn’t been! Head up, chest forward and hold your line (as my amazing grandma used to say) Be icy cold and practical with the lump of shit that you happen to live with, that will scare the pathetic twat to death. You’ve a bumpy road coming, but you WILL get through it.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 16:43

I do worry about the girls. They are daddies girls the pair of them.

The name is in his house, as are the banks. I came into the marriage with nothing really. He earns a lot more than me too.

I also have bipolar and from what he has said about me it looks like he is going to use that against me

OP posts:
Louise303 · 15/10/2023 16:43

They both sound as bad as each other I would have to let her other half know and his family. There is no way I could stay with someone that says he has to think of someone else to get it up.

FelonyMelony · 15/10/2023 16:44

Jesus Christ. I’m so sorry, OP - you must be devastated. What a complete wanker. He’s admitted to using you as a sex prop whilst thinking about her. This is so far beyond appropriate it’s ridiculous. Get yourself a good solicitor and LEAVE.

junbean · 15/10/2023 16:44

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:20

We are currently away with the girls so I have no idea. I spoke to him last night and he's trying to convince me they are good friends and nothing would ever happen and that I am seeing things that aren't there.

This is called gaslighting.

Ilovelurchers · 15/10/2023 16:47

It's wildly inappropriate and horribly upsetting. Sadly I think it's very common for men and women to message inappropriately, even when in relationships. Or course lots don't do it, but a huge amount do. I suppose phones and texting make it so easy to act on a whim - pissed off with your wife, or a bit bored? Text someone you fancy! And it goes from there.

I have on occasion been guilty of flirty texting to others when unhappy in a relationship, so I do speak from experience. Nothing as extreme as your husband I don't think so. I've also been on the recieving end of it from partners doing it behind my back, which taught me how hurtful and disloyal it truly is.

Nosleepforthismum · 15/10/2023 16:47

Ugh, he really is an arsehole. It’s one thing to have an emotional affair/real affair, which is definitely what this is, but there is something really nasty about then gaslighting his wife into thinking she is going crazy.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 15/10/2023 16:49

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Some people can get over affairs but he's crossed a massive line and so has your 'friend'.
I would have no problem forwarding the whole conversation to her husband.
The house may be in his name but as you're married you have rights. Tell him he needs to leave or you'll post the whole conversation on the WhatsApp group, then contact a solicitor

Ilovelurchers · 15/10/2023 16:49

The fact that he has sent these messages does not necessarily mean he has shagged her or would. But if they had opportunity and could be sure it would not be discovered one suspects they would?

It's up to you what you do now. There is no one right way to deal with it. I am sorry you are going through it.

zeibesaffron · 15/10/2023 16:51

Get home and do your prep to leave, I hope you took photos of the messages.

  • get all paperwork sorted - and remove from the house - start to move anything of value of yours.
  • speak to a solicitor
You are married so 50% is yours and he will need to ensure his girls are provided for- the bipolar piece is a red herring don’t let him use that as any excuse. I am assuming you take your meds, attend your appointments and keep yourself as well as possible? Keep doing that - this will be bumpy you need to be well and in control.

He is cheating and gaslighting you. You have to now take control. He is a complete twat - hopefully now the other woman is panicking because he will have told her you know.

You can do this - you have the upper hand!

1FootInTheRave · 15/10/2023 16:55

Oh op, you know damn well that this is a full blown affair.

I would send the messages to her husband and all of your wider friendship group. They should know what snakes they have as friends.

Absolute bastards, the pair of them.

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 15/10/2023 16:57

This is an affair.

ginasevern · 15/10/2023 16:58

@welshprincess1975

My lovely, you sound rather vulnerable. Your husband is cheating and basically laughing at you. He thinks you have no choice but to suck this up and be his doormat. This is not a good example to set your daughters so please don't worry about them being daddy's girls. This man is not worthy of that tag. Please see a solicitor as soon as possible and (if you are able to) try to keep the evidence of his cheating. You deserve better than this.

NoTouch · 15/10/2023 16:59

He said he's with me for the girls.

She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up.

Fck me, he would be out the door after that one.

^ I know that is so much easier said than done. But, instead of thinking you can't leave think instead can you allow him to stay?

You need to talk to a trusted RL family member or friend to wrap your head around this one, your own personal circumstances and your next steps. Once you talk to someone it will make it more real and it will help you process it.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 17:00

I signed a sort of pre nup before we got married as he already had the house etc when we married and I had nothing to bring.

OP posts:
Ladyofthelake53 · 15/10/2023 17:02

Id definitely share the messages with her husband and whatsapp group

xyz111 · 15/10/2023 17:04

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:51

He made comments about her body and what he would do to her. She seemed to think it was funny and asked if he would make her.

He would initiate it and she would make comments about it.

Such as having her in his knees begging and other things.

Like I said with me he is vanilla(?) and uninterested and acts like it's a duty but in the messages he says he wants to do things that he's never said to me

What he would do to her?? He is trying to get out of this saying they're just friends which is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. OP, you need to leave this person, you deserve way better.

FailWhale · 15/10/2023 17:04

He's lying because he's tried to make something happen, knows nothing will and wants to keep you on the hook while continuing his fantasy life with her by text.

You don't tell another grown adult in a relationship they're 'your person' unless you are trying to find out if they feel the same, she didn't take him up in the offer so now he's in her friendzone trying to get out and isn't bothered how that makes you feel.

It honestly doesn't matter whether he sends underwear photos and gym progress out to the whole neighborhood what's app, what matters is does he make this much of an effort for YOU?

Does he wish you good morning and goodnight and XXX and tell you your his person? Or does he treat you like the mum of his kids and his mum or his housemate who is being aggy because she caught him cheating right now?

Put this man In. The. Bin.

Tilllly · 15/10/2023 17:06

Oh @welshprincess1975 I'm so sorry

Unfortunately you don't have time to process this

Firstly, ask him to move out for a couple of weeks so you can get your head around it
And in that two weeks, get your arse to a solicitor and see where you stand

Apologising for your behaviour? He can get to fuck
And if he thinks a woman 17 years his junior is really interested in him... she may well have a few on a string

jolies1 · 15/10/2023 17:06

Whether this affair has turned physical or not the sheer disrespect he has shown you as his wife and the mother of his children, especially talking about your sex life in such a derogatory way, would be enough for me to leave.

funbags3 · 15/10/2023 17:06

If I were you, I'd be seeking legal advice as soon as possible. You don't have to tell him you're doing this. Just to see exactly where you stand.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 17:07

It is his house so not that easy.

And no money for a solicitor as anytime we needed one we used his

OP posts: