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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 16:08

@Dedsec2023 no interpretation needed in “I think about you whilst I’m having sex with my wife” surely? I do have male friends but if they sent that shit to me it would be shut down faster than a rat infested restaurant. And if my DH sent that to someone else? I would cut his balls off. With a spoon.

Ohhmydays · 15/10/2023 16:12

GrapplingGoat · 15/10/2023 14:17

You are not being unreasonable. If this were my relationship I would consider this cheating (just my personal opinion) and would want a divorce. I'm sorry. This is really shit.

Yeah i think i would b telling mine to pack his shit and GTF. friends don’t send underwear pics and am pretty sure her husband wouldn’t be best pleased either(unless their in an open marriage)

Imelda03 · 15/10/2023 16:12

I think focusing on the xxx in messages or his being different with you is doing you no good at all.

Hes is playing a nonsense toddler game of having chocolate in his face and saying it wasn’t him who ate the cake.

They are not friends, the man has literally been telling this woman what he will do to her sexually and that he thinks of her during sex with you and pleasures him self and so on and so on etc!!!!

The decision how to go forward is yours alone,however choosing to stay with someone who doesn’t even show a ounce of remorse in such a situation is asking to be walked on for the rest of your life .

using the excuse that he’s two people and different with you is just that …an excuse.

getting mad because he’s offered to do things he won’t do with you should be the last of your worries ….get angry he’s even discussing this with another woman and refusing to acknowledge it.

him saying they are friends doesn’t magically make it so, or sanitise what he’s done. Ignoring your distress shows how vile he is inside and out.

send the messages to her husband and by various methods ie WhatsApp/FB/insta etc and keep them for whoever dares feel sorry for him ……then pack his or your stuff and thank god you found what you did when you did ……:you’ve been given the perfect out …..use it

I say leave not because I don’t think you can sort this out ……but because by his actions and words he clearly doesn’t want to ….his attempts to normalise and downplay and refuse to block are tactics to keep doing what he’s doing and make you seem unreasonable …..run fast and run far xxx

Someoneonlyyouknow · 15/10/2023 16:12

"She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up."

Is this good enough for you? Would it be good enough for your daughters? I think you deserve more and I think you want to show your DD that you won't allow yourself to be treated like this. It will eat away at your self esteem until you doubt yourself, your judgement and your opinions. Whether you believe him that it's not an affair, it's completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you. He is giving her attention that he should have been concentrating on your relationship.

skyeisthelimit · 15/10/2023 16:14

OP, he may not believe in emotional affairs but he is having one.

You know it is wrong, you have said so. You are not over reacting and he will say anything he can to make it seem like you are in the wrong and that he has done nothing wrong.

I understand that you are blindsided but take it from this thread that you are 100% correct in feeling/thinking the way that you do, and that there is literally nothing that he can say to justify his behaviour.

You need to steel yourself. There is nothing that he can say that makes this ok, nothing.

Maybe you should send some messages to her husband and ask if he thinks it is just friend talk.

This isn't just a case of him blocking her. You do need to ask him to leave. He has shown a complete lack of care and respect for you and continues to do so while he is gaslighting you.

Vinrouge4 · 15/10/2023 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yep!

Coldinscotland · 15/10/2023 16:17

Send copies of the texts to all his family. He will be blaming you for breaking up the family when hopefully you kick him out. They need to know the truth. My ex gave a very different version of why we split to his family..

momonpurpose · 15/10/2023 16:18

winniethedoo · 15/10/2023 14:17

I don't send pictures of myself in underwear to my friends. Do you? That should answer your question.

I think this sums it up perfectly

Treesinmygarden · 15/10/2023 16:18

OMG he is a deceitful bastard!! I couldn't ever even look at him again!!

You have to pull your self-esteem out of the toilet. Let her have his worthless arse.

Send the messages to the WhatsApp and to her husband. They deserve it.

Treesinmygarden · 15/10/2023 16:19

Vinrouge4 · 15/10/2023 16:15

Yep!

Show quote history

Did you actually need to say this???

WestwardHo1 · 15/10/2023 16:22

I have a couple of married men I sometimes message OP. My best male friend is married. The unwritten rule is we make 100% sure we are absolutely appropriate. And that means no message contains a hint of anything we would not show our respective partners. We refer to our partners constantly.

I'm sorry he's being such a gaslighting shit. This is absolutely not ok.

ElleCapitaine · 15/10/2023 16:22

I am so sorry, OP. Even if it’s not a full blown physical affair yet, it’s on the cusp of becoming one. He has been messaging this woman in secret for two years - explicit, intimate, discussions and photos. Loads of them. And now he’s gaslighting you to try to make you think it’s normal. Of course it isn’t. I have a good male friend and we have text conversations from time to time, but we don’t do kisses, or message every day, or keep secrets. When we’re messaging I’ll often be sharing the discussion with my DP in a ‘You’ll never guess what happened to Mike’ kind of way. That’s appropriate friendship - what your husband and friend are doing is completely inappropriate and very disloyal. I hope you have real life support, because he can’t lie his way out of this. You know, and he knows you know.

momonpurpose · 15/10/2023 16:22

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:24

She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up.

It started as friends. I could see that completely. Wasn't constant etc but up until yesterday it's been everyday

My dear this says it all. It's scary to leave but there is a beautiful better life for you with a partner who would never disrespect you

TheIsaacs · 15/10/2023 16:26

Send the messages to the girls husband. See if your “d”h thinks it’s just a laugh then!

he’s gross… you should LTB

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 15/10/2023 16:30

I'd tell your husband you have screenshots and that you plan to send them to her husband. If they're 'nothing' and 'just banter', I'm sure he'd be ok with it, right?

Because he's a fucking asshole and he knows it and he's gaslighting you about it all now.

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 16:30

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 16:08

@Dedsec2023 no interpretation needed in “I think about you whilst I’m having sex with my wife” surely? I do have male friends but if they sent that shit to me it would be shut down faster than a rat infested restaurant. And if my DH sent that to someone else? I would cut his balls off. With a spoon.

fair points

Pallisers · 15/10/2023 16:31

Either he is having an affair or he wants to and is on the cusp of it.

There is no way these messages are appropriate - even if the texts also included some normal chat. Sending pictures of underwear and describing sex acts is normal friend banter is it? Does he seriously expect you to accept that?

You deserve way way better than this OP. And I would also tell her husband. No need for him to stay deceived either.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 16:32

He started off (and still does) by encouraging her and really being supportive and understanding her, offering advice etc.
and now he just says he wants to have her in her knees and vice versa and he would do anything for and to her.

I know it's wrong and I know he's gaslighting me.

I'm dreading going home

OP posts:
Horriblewoman · 15/10/2023 16:34

I expected to read this as another ‘my husband said hello to a woman’ he must be cheating post but this is far far beyond the realms of appropriate friendship. I have many male friends and I can categorically state we have never spoken to each other in a sexual way / sent underwear photos.

She is not your friend and he is not a husband you should keep.

Dita73 · 15/10/2023 16:38

Please have his nuts for earrings and divorce the bastard

Whatonearth07957 · 15/10/2023 16:38

I'd screenshot and send to the group chat querying if anyone else had this sort of friendship with my husband or a person other than their op...

Crumpleton · 15/10/2023 16:38

Start a quiz on the friend message group.
First question....
Can you guess which two members said this...

She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up.

Then pack his bags and tell him to at least have the decency to let you time on your own to come to terms with his behaviour.
In that time consider how you really want to be treated in a relationship, because although I don't know you I'm sure you deserve much much more.

Malificent1 · 15/10/2023 16:39

Have you messaged her and asked for her excuses explanation? She’s supposed to be your friend.

Your husband is a lying, cheating pig. I’m so sorry.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 16:40

No I haven't. I don't think I could speak to her. No doubt he has

OP posts:
Izzy54321 · 15/10/2023 16:40

I am really sorry OP but I would make sure to burn their world down starting with telling her husband. If there’s nothing to hide there’s no need for her husband not to know. Then the rest of the wattsapp group. There is no way I would allow either of them to gaslight you, your husband has already been doing this. You definitely need to put your big pants on and make a plan. I understand you are on a break at the beach but you can sleep with your children. I would be making a list on my phone on my next steps. Tell him when you’re ready you owe him nothing. He has totally broken your trust and your marriage.
Leaving wont be pain free or easy but you owe yourself and your daughters a peaceful future. No one deserves such disrespect from their spouse. Good luck OP

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