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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

392 replies

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 05:50

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

OP posts:
LoudSnoringDog · 15/10/2023 05:53

“I’m sorry but we need our cot back by……..”

you need to be a bit more assertive

ZekeZeke · 15/10/2023 05:55

Have you heard the term no good deed goes unpunished?
When is your baby due?
I would day DH WILL be around to collect our cot for our new baby on x date

Pollywoddles · 15/10/2023 05:55

Tell your DH to give them a time and date to have it ready for collection and then off he goes.

As for the friendship, how close can you be if you’ve only just met their 8 month old?

TimetoPour · 15/10/2023 05:57

YANBU

Definitely message saying you would like the cot back before the baby comes and DH will be round to collect it on x day.

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:58

You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

Original poster
Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 06:01

Yes, agree with all of this so far. I suppose I’m just saddened that people DH regards as friends are actually being quite selfish and not at all friend-like.

I have also suggested DH’s wording is more assertive- believe me, it’s got me really riled up, but they’re his friends so it’s on him and I think he’s still being too nice about it all.

On the verge of taking his phone from him and writing it out for him…

OP posts:
Flower35214 · 15/10/2023 06:01

@GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath it's a bedside cot, not an actual cot bed.

stayathomer · 15/10/2023 06:07

I don’t know op, you’re saying you let it drop but then you’re calling over and hinting about it and willing to end a friendship, why didn’t you just have a proper conversation, everything you’ve done is a pushy and awkward as they’re being! And telling them your lo was out of the cot by that age, most in not at least a lot of children stay in much longer than 8 months, so now they’re going to have to buy a cot for just a short amount of time. My mum always said never lend something to friends or family that you’re not willing to lose! Best of luck op

YouveGotAFastCar · 15/10/2023 06:07

You need to be more assertive. You're blaming DH for not being; but you were there in person yesterday when they were saying "soon, but not yet", and as a heavily pregnant person, could easily have said - Actually DH will give you a hand in taking it down, we need it/We really need it before Wednesday, I'm almost ready to drop/etc.

They are being cheeky fuckers but you're both being so complacent that perhaps they think you're planning to use a moses basket or something initially. If you need it for when the baby comes home from the hospital, you're going to need to be more assertive.

It's rubbish, but it's the downside of lending equipment that you need back on a strict timeline.

Tourmalines · 15/10/2023 06:08

They are taking the piss . Yes, take your husbands phone and type it out for him. Or message it yourself.

YouveGotAFastCar · 15/10/2023 06:08

@stayathomer It's a bedside cot, like a Next To Me, not an actual cot that you'd expect children to be in for a couple of years. Bedsite cots are outgrown once the baby can sit up unaided, so it's usually around 7 - 9 months.

stayathomer · 15/10/2023 06:09

Flower35214

@GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath it's a bedside cot, not an actual cot bed.
A lot of children stay in cots past 8 months!!!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/10/2023 06:11

stayathomer · 15/10/2023 06:09

Flower35214

@GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath it's a bedside cot, not an actual cot bed.
A lot of children stay in cots past 8 months!!!

It is a next to me crib type thing that babies only go in for a few months before moving in to an actual cot.

nibblessquibbles · 15/10/2023 06:12

Well as others have said, it wasn't really that helpful to be given a cot when you needed it back so soon. Given you were not just planning but clearly trying for a second.
So if they are really tight for cash they are now going to have this cost of another cot or cot bed.
I guess if you were clear when you gave it that it was only a loan and would be needed back then you just need to drop a note to say please can we have it back on xx date. I'd give them more than a couple of days though. So maybe at least give them a bit of time to source that replacement like a week or so.

Brilliantlydone · 15/10/2023 06:12

It's not a cot is it. It's a bedside crib like a next to me or similar. Which is up to age 6 months. They need to buy a cot now.

Parakeetamol · 15/10/2023 06:12

Not the point of the post but you'll need to buy a new mattress.

olympicsrock · 15/10/2023 06:12

I would be assertive here - it’s yours . Give them at least 5 days to source an alternative.
The message to his friend will just say something like…

Great to see you at the weekend. We really want to be ready for our newborn and need our cot back. I can come over on Friday night or Saturday am to collect it.
let me know which day is better for you.

PurBal · 15/10/2023 06:13
  1. don’t lend things to people, especially expensive stuff things you need back (I appreciate its too late).
  2. agree with PP to be more assertive and say you’re going to collect it
  3. tell them if not they’ll need to buy it off you since you now need to go an buy another.
  4. given your very close to giving birth get a back up: we had a Moses basket for a few weeks and now use a travel cot for DS2
Original poster
Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 06:14

@GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath @stayathomer

Bedside cot: suitable for up to about 7 months. Their LO is 8 months and they know this.

I don’t intend to use a Moses basket. That’s why I bought a bedside cot.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 15/10/2023 06:17

YouveGotAFastCar
I don’t know, then if you said 7-9 months, their baby is 8 months- maybe small for 8 months, can’t sit up yet or maybe when they say not today they literally mean in the next few weeks as we’re just about done? Just playing devils advocate really!

Cowlover89 · 15/10/2023 06:18

Parakeetamol · 15/10/2023 06:12

Not the point of the post but you'll need to buy a new mattress.

I've never replaced the mattress with anything. Not the moses baskets or the travel cot.

Brilliantlydone · 15/10/2023 06:20

Cowlover89 · 15/10/2023 06:18

I've never replaced the mattress with anything. Not the moses baskets or the travel cot.

Show quote history

You shouldn't really reuse a mattress that another baby has used.

Brilliantlydone · 15/10/2023 06:21

stayathomer · 15/10/2023 06:17

YouveGotAFastCar
I don’t know, then if you said 7-9 months, their baby is 8 months- maybe small for 8 months, can’t sit up yet or maybe when they say not today they literally mean in the next few weeks as we’re just about done? Just playing devils advocate really!

But it isn't their cot, and the person who lent it to them wants it back. So it's time for them to buy a new cot.

Op just message them and say lovely to see you, we will need to collect the cot at x time. I'll send dp to get it.

Mariposista · 15/10/2023 06:21

Soon but not today? Who the hell do they think they are? It’s YOUR property so YOU decide.

Subforsupper · 15/10/2023 06:21

If your dh can’t stand up for you and your unborn baby, I’d ltb