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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

392 replies

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 05:50

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

OP posts:
Rousblouse · 15/10/2023 06:28

I agree with those telling you to message them from your DH’s phone that your DH will be over on such and such a date to collect the cot as you have to finalise the room in preparation for your baby. That is it. They are CF.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/10/2023 06:28

Hi Friends, the midwife/doctor has said that the baby is going to be early. We need to collect the bed and get it set up before he/she arrives. Can you imagine bring the baby home and not having a cot?!?!? We can come by to collect it on Saturday morning or Sunday afternoon. What is best for you?

stayathomer · 15/10/2023 06:30

Brilliantlydone
Fair enough but if they’re just done with it or if op didn’t specify she’d need it before their shelf life then I see their point - they could be saying not today we’re nearly there!

LateAF · 15/10/2023 06:31

Controversial opinion but I don’t think you should have lent it to them knowing you’d be pregnant and have a baby within a year of doing so. It’s not like lending clothes where the baby generally grows out of it within a few months. What should have been a lovely unpressured milestone for them of baby moving from one cot bed to a toddler one must now feel quite stressful.

So I think you are both being unreasonable - them for refusing to return something that’s not theirs. But you for lending it to them knowing you were going to be this precious about timings and ask for it back within 8 months while they are still using it (it’s not like they’ve stored it away).

Juicyjuicymango · 15/10/2023 06:33

YABU for 'dropping subtle hints'

Just tell them you need it back!

Humbugg · 15/10/2023 06:35

All these people saying you should have expected to lend it for longer ABU.

it’s a bedside crib intended for babies under 6 months. OP was very kind to lend it to them , borrowers are CF!!!

OP is not suggesting they move their 8 month old into a toddler bed, just a normal baby cot as would be age appropriate.

hard agree with others, you need to message “our baby is due soon, we will be coming over to collect our bedside crib next week on X day”

greenhydrangea · 15/10/2023 06:37

They are the ones who are potentially "ruining the friendship", not you.

It's your cot. They know it's your cot! They know they are only borrowing it for the short-term. They know you are heavily pregnant now. You've asked for it back, pointed out a local cheap replacement for them to purchase. They're aware of other cheap replacement cots! What a pair of CFs.

They should give it back when you ask for it, not palm you off with some "soon" bullshit.

TryAgainWithFeeling · 15/10/2023 06:38

OP just text them, or have your DH text them saying he’ll be over on x date to pick it up. Give them a week’s notice (not ideal as you’re late in pregnancy but you still have to be fair to them).

I disagree with those saying you shouldn’t have lent it. Bedside cots are only suitable until a baby can sit up, so parents should be prepared around six months. That fits absolutely fine with someone trying for a baby. Presumably they’ve also known your due date for at least a couple of months, so plenty of time to prepare.

Takenoprisoner · 15/10/2023 06:42

'soon but not yet' would make see red! That's extremely cheeky of them, it doesn't belong to them. You have to be clearer here

Bunnycat101 · 15/10/2023 06:44

yes you just get it back (and I would get a new mattress for it). Both of mine were definitely out around the 6 month point. First was sitting early and it got to a point where it just felt precarious from about 5 months, second got a bit more time but they really aren’t suitable for a baby who is getting stronger and mobile so they should be sorting a proper cot out anyway.

happylittlesloth · 15/10/2023 06:47

DH needs to say as it's only suitable for up to 7 months and you need it he will be round to collect it next weekend. They've had enough norice

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/10/2023 06:49

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:58

You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

You can’t (well shouldn’t) use a side sleeper after about 5-6 months as they are not safe once a baby can sit.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 15/10/2023 06:50

Buy a replacement, new or second hand, and when you get the original cot back, sell one of them.

And never lend them, or anyone, anything ever again.

MindatWork · 15/10/2023 06:52

I love how the upper age limit for a bedside cot is getting earlier and earlier with every post 🤣

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 15/10/2023 06:52

For those that are a bit confused, what OP is talking about is a bedside crib like this not a normal cot.

An 8 month old shouldn't be in one anyway so it's perfectly reasonable that the OP would expect to have it back by now.

You do need a new mattress though - it's a SIDS risk to use the same one even between siblings.

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?
PenguinRainbows · 15/10/2023 06:54

My first was tiny so we used a bedside cot until she was 1.

You leant it to them to use and they’re still actively using it, so I don’t think it’s fair to take it off them.

Just get a Moses basket for the first few weeks/couple of months. Baby will prefer it anyway as it’ll be more snug like the womb.

Original poster
Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 06:56

@Subforsupper is it now a mumsnet rule that one user must suggest you leave your husband at every minor misdemeanour? 🤣

I don’t think I’ll leave the man I married over this, no.

OP posts:
Peaceandkindness · 15/10/2023 06:58

ZekeZeke · 15/10/2023 05:55

Have you heard the term no good deed goes unpunished?
When is your baby due?
I would day DH WILL be around to collect our cot for our new baby on x date

Tell them you are coming on c date to collect the cot

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 15/10/2023 06:58

MindatWork · 15/10/2023 06:52

I love how the upper age limit for a bedside cot is getting earlier and earlier with every post 🤣

Different people's babies develop at different times. My first child was fully walking unaided at 9 months old and a bedside crib would have been completely unsuitable from 4 -5 months old when she was sitting up (4 months) and crawling (5months).

My more normal 2nd child would probably have been fine in one until about 7-8 months when she started crawling.

If I hadn't experienced both I might have had very set views about one or other being normal.

marcopront · 15/10/2023 07:00

@Honestmummydearest

I am trying to understand the time frame.
You said
*
A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant.*

If it was a few years ago minus a few months then how come the baby is only 8 months?

If you are now heavily pregnant and their child is 8 months then you were either pregnant or at the very least actively trying to conceive when you lent it.

Money is tight for them so maybe they are using the cot for slightly longer than they should until they can afford an new one.

They are CFs but I don't think you handled it well at the start.

Raindancer411 · 15/10/2023 07:03

As some others have said, say you will be collecting it on so and so date as you need it ready for when your new baby comes home, not after. Hopefully they will jump into action on getting a new cot asap.

autiebooklover · 15/10/2023 07:12

We had a similar situation. My aunt lent us a cot (an actual cot not a crib) but when our ds was around 1 her sons gf became pregnant and they wanted it back, we ended up buying a cot bed so we could finish off using it as a cot then it became a toddler bed so we got a few years out of it.

It sucked for us as otherwise we would have kept him in until he was ready for a single bed. But that's life, if we hadn't been offered it we would have had to buy one anyway.

But that's not what happened here, your crib is only suitable until around 8m. We had one, and one dc was out of it by 6 month and the other (who was tiny) around 9 month.

They should have bought a cot a month ago and started transitioning their baby into it. Your dh needs to text them a collection date . (I'd give at least 2 week's notice if you can)

PandoraBox2 · 15/10/2023 07:13

Just a polite message “we need our cot back”

TwoShades1 · 15/10/2023 07:13

I’m a bit confused why you lent it to them when you were planning another so soon. I used my bedside cot until my daughter was 10 months. We co slept mostly at that point but it stopped her rolling off the side or gave me somewhere to put my head if she was a starfish in the middle! I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect it back when they are still using it.

If they weren’t using it then they would be absolutely wrong to not give it back.

rwalker · 15/10/2023 07:15

Text them asking which weekend is best to pick it up ether next weekend or the weekend after

dropping hints isn’t the same as asking for it back

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