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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

392 replies

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 05:50

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

OP posts:
margotrose · 15/10/2023 07:18

The timeline makes no sense to me.

You had your baby, used the cot until eight months, stored it for a few months then the friends fell pregnant and you lent it out.

But now the baby is eight months old and you're heavily pregnant - so why lend something like this to someone when you were either trying to conceive or already pregnant yourself? Confused

Of course they should give it back but you were daft to lend it out in the first place knowing you were planning another baby so soon.

Sotired22 · 15/10/2023 07:20

They are being really cheeky. I used a bedside cot for mine and 8 months is old enough to be moving to a proper cot. I would do what others have said and just send a polite message saying ‘hi friends, lovely to see you the other day! Our due date is creeping up and we expect the baby to come early so we do need to get the cot set up asap, dh will be round to collect it next weekend. Is Saturday or Sunday better for you?’

If they are vague in response or push back on it then I’d get more firm and to be honest they are the ones harming the friendship because they’re being rude CF’s!

FunkyMonks · 15/10/2023 07:20

Sadly never lend something that you ever intend to use or see again.
It was a kind thing you done but as you can see it always has a way of biting you.
At least it's not damaged or sold that's a positive but you want to hope the cheeky so and so doesn't sell it or damage it in the process of you trying to get it back personally I would give them a week and not a certain day in that week day you now need to get it cleaned up and set up in your home ready for your own newborn.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 15/10/2023 07:22

If their baby is only 8 months old and you are now heavily pregnant, this couldn't have been a few years ago surely?

Did you not know you were trying for a baby when you lent them your cot?

Anyway, just tell them you want your cot back and your weak ass husband will be coming to pick it up on X date.

greenhydrangea · 15/10/2023 07:23

Of course they should give it back but you were daft to lend it out in the first place knowing you were planning another baby so soon.

Geez Louise. No good deed goes unpunished here.

margotrose · 15/10/2023 07:27

greenhydrangea · 15/10/2023 07:23

Of course they should give it back but you were daft to lend it out in the first place knowing you were planning another baby so soon.

Geez Louise. No good deed goes unpunished here.

It's not about a good deed going unpunished, it's basic common sense Confused

If I knew I was going to need something in about 7-8 months time, I wouldn't lend it to someone who wanted to use it for a similar time period in case it broke or I didn't see them in time to get it back.

VineRipened · 15/10/2023 07:28

‘Hi, hope you have been able to find a new next stage cot for xxx. We’re just getting everything sorted for Baby’s imminent arrival so will pick up the bedside cot on Sunday next weekend . Love xxx’

There is no way that is rude of friendship damaging.

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 07:28

Ok ok! I imagined a cot, not a Moses basket equivalent. Of course in that case they need to go and buy a proper cot and give this one back. Call or text and say you'll need to pick it up on X date, giving them a week to buy a cot to replace it. Cheeky fuckers.

Still maintain you were mad to lend it out but I'm sure you've realised that now.

morebranflakes · 15/10/2023 07:32

You invited yourself round, gave unsolicited advice and presumably were wandering around in their bedroom so you could check they still had the cot? Grin

It's not nice when other people don't return things but as you said they're hard up, maybe they're worried about the cost of a cot. For me, I guess it depends how much you value the friendship. I'd never want to fall out with someone over a relatively small material item. If they're only £20 on marketplace, I'd just buy them the secondhand one and do a trade.

Obviously that's not the way things are done on MN but people are strange and do selfish things (we all do) so without being a pushover, sometimes it's easier to drop a thing rather than spend the last few precious weeks of your pregnancy feeling annoyed about this.

Gillypie23 · 15/10/2023 07:33

They are taking the piss. Give them a deadline. Only way your getting it back.

JC89 · 15/10/2023 07:34

Presumably they have known you are pregnant for a good few months now, they should have made plans to move their DC into a cot by now!

I don't really understand pp saying you haven't saved them money as they now need a cot - a cot may not fit in their room, which is where baby should be sleeping for the first 6 months. If their baby is 8 months now, OP wouldn't have known she was pregnant when she lent them the crib. It can take years to conceive, it's not unreasonable to expect the friends to be finished with the crib by the time OP's baby came along. Cribs are expensive for something you only use for a few months so OP has done the friends a big favour.

DH needs to tell them he is getting the crib in a week and then go and get it. It's tough if they are actively using it but tbh they have brought that on themselves. It's them that has put the friendship at risk not you. Do you have a backup if baby comes before you get it? Like a travel cot with a bassinet (which is likely to get more use than a Moses basket - Moses basket is only good for about 4 months but you can use a travel cot for 2 years)? https://www.argos.co.uk/product/5588699?storeID=4110&istCompanyId=a74d8886-5df9-4baa-b776-166b3bf9111c&istFeedId=30f62ea9-9626-4cac-97c8-9ff3921f8558&istItemId=ixwliqrrl&istBid=t&&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7cacid:629-618-1342%7ccid:20378155429%7cagid:%7ctid:%7ccrid:%7cnw:x%7crnd:11175711114365646439%7cdvc:m%7cadp:%7cmt:%7cloc:1006598&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20378155429&utm_term=5588699&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=&utm_custom2=629-618-1342&GPDP=true&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItuHa0Lf3gQMVaolQBh2wCAaOEAQYAyABEgLB8fD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

IncompleteSenten · 15/10/2023 07:36

Message them saying I loaned it to you until I needed it back, not until you decided to return it.
I need it back by X date.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 15/10/2023 07:36

The time line doesn’t make sense 🤷‍♀️

But anyhow, putting the time line to one side, the other couple are being massively unreasonable. As has been suggested, text them with a weeks notice to say you’ll be around to collect your cot.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 15/10/2023 07:39

Look either they are being dim, tight or have no intention of ever giving you your cot back. Your DH needs to be assertive. Polite hints were clearly batted away. You either buy a new cot and keep the friendship or ask for your back and any 'of course but not today' type replies are quashed immediately and a date for collection agreed.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 15/10/2023 07:42

Perhaps the issue is that they can't afford a cot to replace it?

OP when I had my 1st, my Mum had kept my cot and DH renovated it so we could use it for ours. We stored it, and a friend saw it in our garage and asked if she could borrow it for her mums house - they lived over the road at the time. I asked nearly 20 times for that cot when my DD fell pregnant with her 1st, and eventually they admitted that they'd broken it so took it to the tip.

Absolutely broke my heart. Never lend anything that you're going to use again.

Trampley · 15/10/2023 07:46

I'm confused about your post too.

HarperMae · 15/10/2023 07:56

Is your plan to have your baby in this from birth immediately? If so, and you are due any day, it's time to be more assertive unfortunately. You need to just text and say "hi blah blah, lovely to see you last week we shouldnt leave it so long next time. DH will need to come round at the weekend for the cot, I am really worrying that I am going to give birth any day and we need this in place ready for the baby. So glad you were able to get some use from it too". Lovely polite message with the important bit surrounded by really nice bits.

muddyford · 15/10/2023 07:58

It's their attitude that would end the friendship for me. Hints haven't worked. Give them a couple of days longer then collect it. I wouldn't give a week. They are hoping you will drop the matter so they can sell it on (as I suspect a PP's 'friends' did with her treasured one they 'broke'.

Fulshaw · 15/10/2023 07:59

You’ve done nothing wrong OP and if it’s the posters who are finding something to criticise you about.

Its going to be tough to get it back without damaging the friendship now but they’re the ones damaging it, not you.

MaggieFS · 15/10/2023 08:00

I'd probably have lost it there and then and just blamed the hormones. "We did you a massive favour as these are only supposed to be used for seven months and now you're making us face the situation where our baby might come home to no where to sleep".

In face stick that in a text with a date when DH will be over to collect it.

spidermonkeys · 15/10/2023 08:04

Subforsupper · 15/10/2023 06:21

If your dh can’t stand up for you and your unborn baby, I’d ltb

Bit dramatic over a cot. 😂

No one does this in real life

HarperMae · 15/10/2023 08:05

Of course the timeline is possible, not like the timeline is anything to do with OPs question anyway though! Sounds like by says "a few years" OP means around 2 years?

Seachange47 · 15/10/2023 08:06

Just go and get it, sheesh!
It doesn't need dismantling, send them a message and say you'll be in the area next Saturday and can you please pick it up. Be firm.

Orangeoranges42 · 15/10/2023 08:06

as you probably know parenting isn’t by the dates and they’re clearly not ready to move their LO.

You haven’t been close to them so probably arnt aware if they’ve had a tough time and may well be terrified of moving their LO.

You shouldn’t have lent it if you needed it back so soon.

But at the end of the day it’s not theirs and they do need to give it back soon.

AnneValentine · 15/10/2023 08:09

Hi. Was so lovely to see you. We are going to pop by Wednesday to pick up the cot. If you would prefer a different evening let us know. See you wed. X

Send that.

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