Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

392 replies

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 05:50

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

OP posts:
AnneValentine · 15/10/2023 08:10

Orangeoranges42 · 15/10/2023 08:06

as you probably know parenting isn’t by the dates and they’re clearly not ready to move their LO.

You haven’t been close to them so probably arnt aware if they’ve had a tough time and may well be terrified of moving their LO.

You shouldn’t have lent it if you needed it back so soon.

But at the end of the day it’s not theirs and they do need to give it back soon.

They need it back after the timeframe you should be using it. They are not the issue here.

greenhydrangea · 15/10/2023 08:13

margotrose · 15/10/2023 07:27

It's not about a good deed going unpunished, it's basic common sense Confused

If I knew I was going to need something in about 7-8 months time, I wouldn't lend it to someone who wanted to use it for a similar time period in case it broke or I didn't see them in time to get it back.

Show quote history

Yes, very remiss of the OP to not travel back in time and know what she knows now.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 15/10/2023 08:14

It doesn’t even matter if they’re still using it because their baby is tiny/not sitting/whatever – it’s not their property, it’s not their decision. And since they will have to change to a regular cot at some point, it may as well be now. I’d be infuriated at “not yet but soon”. You’ve asked for it back, the only acceptable answer is “we’ll order a new cot and mattress today, should be here in the next couple of days”. If they still need the baby next to them for night wakes, they can sidecar a normal cot anyway. (Technically OP could do this but shouldn’t have to, since she owns a bedside crib. Plus newborns tend to sleep better in smaller, cosier spaces.)

WillyWonkaBlues · 15/10/2023 08:14

This is why either give something away or sell it. I wouldn't have lent something I know I'd need for another baby.

user1492757084 · 15/10/2023 08:15

A phone call from DH to his friend to disclose that next Sunday morning he can pick up the cot.
He has put the day aside for setting up the baby's furniture.
Ask them to text back before Friday night to confirm the best time.

Thank them for taking good care of the cot and that it's obviously been useful.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/10/2023 08:22

Your DH should text.

"Hi x,
Glad you got so much use out of it! But we need the next to me back by X October at the very latest.
Can you let me know a couple of dates when you can drop it off so I can make sure we are in or if it's easier I can come pick it up. Let me know"
If he doesn't respond in a day. Call. If he doesn't answer - give it a few hours and Message and call again.

If they won't set a date send your DH over alone next Saturday to collect.

You did such a nice thing... I hate people like this. Why????

FlamingoQueen · 15/10/2023 08:23

Dear friend..(from DH), I will pop round on Wednesday evening at 6pm to pick up the cot. We are stressing that our baby will arrive early and we don’t want to be reliant upon the bottom drawer lol. See you Wednesday. Thanks

PuzzledObserver · 15/10/2023 08:25

I mean, they could hardly dismantle it there and then, without having an alternative for their child to sleep in that night. What they should have said is: “Oh, of course….. can you give us a few days to get hold of a cot? We’ll get on it right away and let you know ASAP.”

Branleuse · 15/10/2023 08:26

What was the point of lending it to them if you needed it back while they are still using it. Awkward

Passepartoute · 15/10/2023 08:26

LateAF · 15/10/2023 06:31

Controversial opinion but I don’t think you should have lent it to them knowing you’d be pregnant and have a baby within a year of doing so. It’s not like lending clothes where the baby generally grows out of it within a few months. What should have been a lovely unpressured milestone for them of baby moving from one cot bed to a toddler one must now feel quite stressful.

So I think you are both being unreasonable - them for refusing to return something that’s not theirs. But you for lending it to them knowing you were going to be this precious about timings and ask for it back within 8 months while they are still using it (it’s not like they’ve stored it away).

It's a cot for babies up to around 7 months, they've known for ages that OP was pregnant, they could have started the transition a couple of months ago.

housethatbuiltme · 15/10/2023 08:26

stayathomer · 15/10/2023 06:09

Flower35214

@GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath it's a bedside cot, not an actual cot bed.
A lot of children stay in cots past 8 months!!!

Its actually called a crib... equal to a Moses basket as everyone has explained, they are tiny and not meant to handle much weight.

Not a hard concept.

housethatbuiltme · 15/10/2023 08:28

Cowlover89 · 15/10/2023 06:18

I've never replaced the mattress with anything. Not the moses baskets or the travel cot.

Show quote history

Well then you played a completely unnecessary game of dare with cot death.

The only two things that are needed new for safety is car seats and mattresses.

MaggieFS · 15/10/2023 08:28

Branleuse · 15/10/2023 08:26

What was the point of lending it to them if you needed it back while they are still using it. Awkward

Have you RTFT? They are using it beyond the advised age limit.

Pythonesque · 15/10/2023 08:29

If I were you, I'd be stressing the safety aspect. "We were startled to see you were still using the crib, we never dreamt you would have been at this point. Did you realise that as soon as your little one can -x- they will be at huge risk of an accident? We really need it back but also you really need to more your baby to something safer for their age"

MaggieFS · 15/10/2023 08:30

It's a negotiation now. Don't engage in anything they say about using it, age limits, "soon" or anything else.

State and restate your point. We need it back by Sunday. Shall we come and get it on Wednesday or Friday?

happylittlesloth · 15/10/2023 08:31

Maybe ask outright if they've broken it as you need to know if you're buying a new one. Also maybe stress the safety aspect and that it was clearly labelled as DANGEROUS RISK OF DEATH.

happylittlesloth · 15/10/2023 08:32

If required use your "hormones" as an excuse to let them know how upset you are and that you don't understand why they aren't giving it back

housethatbuiltme · 15/10/2023 08:35

PenguinRainbows · 15/10/2023 06:54

My first was tiny so we used a bedside cot until she was 1.

You leant it to them to use and they’re still actively using it, so I don’t think it’s fair to take it off them.

Just get a Moses basket for the first few weeks/couple of months. Baby will prefer it anyway as it’ll be more snug like the womb.

My middle child REFUSED point blank to sleep in a moses basket, would only sleep in the carry cot that came with the pram. My youngest followed suit and slept in the carry cot too.

I had a lovely expensive Moses basket with rocker stand that literally never got slept in. Utter waste of money

OP shouldn't have to buy anything SHE OWNS a crib already, the CF can give it back.

Viviennemary · 15/10/2023 08:35

They are the rude ones. You did a kind thing lending them the cot. Soon but not today is simply not acceptable. Go to their house ánd ask for the cot. And make sure you get it. Dont send youd DP by himself. He will be fobbed off again by these cfs.

saraclara · 15/10/2023 08:37

Oh for goodness sake. You just tiptoed around the situation when you were there. Why are you so scared of these people?

All you need is "we need our cot back promptly as baby is likely to be early. I can pick it up any time in the coming week, but need it by Friday at the latest"

PrueLeith · 15/10/2023 08:39

LateAF · 15/10/2023 06:31

Controversial opinion but I don’t think you should have lent it to them knowing you’d be pregnant and have a baby within a year of doing so. It’s not like lending clothes where the baby generally grows out of it within a few months. What should have been a lovely unpressured milestone for them of baby moving from one cot bed to a toddler one must now feel quite stressful.

So I think you are both being unreasonable - them for refusing to return something that’s not theirs. But you for lending it to them knowing you were going to be this precious about timings and ask for it back within 8 months while they are still using it (it’s not like they’ve stored it away).

Agree with this. Plus you can't just go round and grab it back when it's still being used. Of course they said not today!

Give them a date but at least two weeks notice if they're trying to get secondhand.

PrueLeith · 15/10/2023 08:40

Pythonesque · 15/10/2023 08:29

If I were you, I'd be stressing the safety aspect. "We were startled to see you were still using the crib, we never dreamt you would have been at this point. Did you realise that as soon as your little one can -x- they will be at huge risk of an accident? We really need it back but also you really need to more your baby to something safer for their age"

Oh please don't do this, you don't need to patronise them!

happylittlesloth · 15/10/2023 08:41

PrueLeith · 15/10/2023 08:40

Oh please don't do this, you don't need to patronise them!

Show quote history

I think a "we wouldn't want that on our conscience" approach would be fine

Imagwine · 15/10/2023 08:41

You need to get angry with dh if he won’t do it. I’d be bloody fuming by now.

saraclara · 15/10/2023 08:41

You leant it to them to use and they’re still actively using it, so I don’t think it’s fair to take it off them.

It's OP's property, ffs! And everyone knows that a side by side cot is only for small babies @PenguinRainbows . You borrow an item like that from someone and you don't expect to keep it for a year, when the.friend need it themselves! It's a ridiculous level of CFery.

Swipe left for the next trending thread