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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

392 replies

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 05:50

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

OP posts:
Steev · 15/10/2023 08:42

Can you share mattresses nowadays? When mine were born it was a major no no.

CwmYoy · 15/10/2023 08:44

Your DH needs to message them and say he'll be round at 2pm to collect it. It's needed no, so they will have to have it ready.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 15/10/2023 08:46

CwmYoy · 15/10/2023 08:44

Your DH needs to message them and say he'll be round at 2pm to collect it. It's needed no, so they will have to have it ready.

While I agree, they should be able to do this and it work, what is OP's husband going to do if they say no?

CwmYoy · 15/10/2023 08:52

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 15/10/2023 08:46

While I agree, they should be able to do this and it work, what is OP's husband going to do if they say no?

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Tell them to transfer the cash for a new one or they'll be taken to court for theft. I have no patience for this sort of shit.

Bertiesmum3 · 15/10/2023 08:52

I would text from husbands phone, I shall be over Saturday 21st October @ 10 o clock to pick up the crib!

Viviennemary · 15/10/2023 08:54

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 15/10/2023 08:46

While I agree, they should be able to do this and it work, what is OP's husband going to do if they say no?

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Then OP will need to take them to the small claims court. The police won't be interested in this although it's in effect theft.

jollyhols · 15/10/2023 08:57

It's quite straightforward. You give them a few days to get a replacement sorted and then you go and get it. This is what you should have done initially instead of dropping hints and going round making ambiguous remarks.

Just give a time and date. You can't say fairer than that.

Imagine if they purposely go out or don't answer the door though.....!

MinnieGirl · 15/10/2023 08:57

DH needs to message them today.
We need the cot back now! You can order one online and get next day delivery, so I will be round Wednesday to pick it up. We really expected you to have given it back before now… Honestmummydearest could go into labour at any moment and we need to get the cot ready. See you Wednesday.
And just start packing it up! It’s yours not theirs and if they say not today we’ll tough they are being CF..

RosiePeel · 15/10/2023 08:58

Juicyjuicymango · 15/10/2023 06:33

YABU for 'dropping subtle hints'

Just tell them you need it back!

Typed it out for me. Agree. This is such a non issue

RosiePeel · 15/10/2023 08:58

Viviennemary · 15/10/2023 08:54

Then OP will need to take them to the small claims court. The police won't be interested in this although it's in effect theft.

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I’ve heard it all now

Softsoftsleep · 15/10/2023 08:59

Babies should not be in a bedside crib when they are able to sit up. I kept my baby in a bit too long and caught her about to launch herself out!

Liloandswitch · 15/10/2023 08:59

You gave it away

Scottishskifun · 15/10/2023 09:03

When is your due date? Personally I would get my DH to message them and say we need the cot back by x date (2 weeks before due date).

Some babies can remain in them longer if they still fit and aren't sitting up DS1 outgrew it by 5.5 months but DS2 stayed in it til 8 months as he wasn't pulling himself up to sitting etc.

Foodieasfuck · 15/10/2023 09:04

It’s your cot. You need it back. It was lovely of you to lend it to them. They need to buy an age appropriate cot for their little one now. You shouldn’t have to wait for them to do that. That’s their issue.

icelollycraving · 15/10/2023 09:06

Text from his phone- Hi, was great to catch up yesterday, as you saw Honest is almost to her due date. I’ll be over next Saturday at 10ish to pick up the cot. Glad it helped you guys out as they are expensive. See you next week 😊

stayathomer · 15/10/2023 09:06

housethatbuiltme

Not a hard concept.
Actually people were saying 7-9 months and the op said a cot before I commented so I was saying at 8 months the child might be out of it. Relax and hope you have a nice Sunday x

TeacheeTeacherson · 15/10/2023 09:13

Maybe ask them what they expect you to do if you give birth and don’t have the cot back? They can’t surely say that you should have to buy a new cot!!!

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 15/10/2023 09:15

“Look, we’ve been patient. It was only ever a loan. We need the cot back. Please bring it around this week.”

Ssme92 · 15/10/2023 09:25

It's fairly simple why OP lent it to them... Because most babies are out of them at 6 or 7 months.

Someone said to give the couple more time to source a cot, I assume they knew OP has been pregnant for at lest the past 5 months so surely knew this day would come. My sister lent us some equipment that we are still using, but she is due soon and needs the stuff back, so we are going to source our own and not just keep the stuff because we still use it 🙄

Next To Me type cribs can be expensive and OP did them a favour by lending it to them. She has warned them she needed it back more than once. They are the ones being completely unreasonable.

And absolute LOL to the person who said she needs to leave her husband 😂 christ!

Sumtimesiamgreen · 15/10/2023 09:31

You’re too generous and should saved the money you spent on gifts for a new cot. Just tell them you need the cot within 2 weeks please. Be assertive. They might sulk and you lose the friendship, or you might sulk at not getting it back and you still lose a friendship. They are telling you your needs don’t matter

Ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyourbiscuit · 15/10/2023 09:32

I would also just text and say hello, dh will be coming round on Monday to collect the cot, what time would suit. Thanks see you then

usernamealreadytaken · 15/10/2023 09:36

nibblessquibbles · 15/10/2023 06:12

Well as others have said, it wasn't really that helpful to be given a cot when you needed it back so soon. Given you were not just planning but clearly trying for a second.
So if they are really tight for cash they are now going to have this cost of another cot or cot bed.
I guess if you were clear when you gave it that it was only a loan and would be needed back then you just need to drop a note to say please can we have it back on xx date. I'd give them more than a couple of days though. So maybe at least give them a bit of time to source that replacement like a week or so.

They are not having the cost of “another” cot as they’ve had no cost for one before. You can pick up a cot on Marketplace very cheaply, or even for free. They are holding on to the “nice” one when they were told from the start it would be short term and needed back. They’ve already saved on needing to buy a Moses basket or similar. CF.

usernamealreadytaken · 15/10/2023 09:40

Brilliantlydone · 15/10/2023 06:20

You shouldn't really reuse a mattress that another baby has used.

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If that’s the case, then surely OP will have kept her original mattress and can choose whether her second baby uses it, as friends will have bought their own?

ittakes2 · 15/10/2023 09:43

For you to be this generous to them and for you to be this pregnant and they are still avoiding giving you the cot - unfortunately I think you need to write it off as they clearly do not feel obliged to care for your position. I would cool the friendship because they don't sound like great people to be honest and let hubby still see them.
I had twins for which I bought a very expensive firm twin breast feeding pillow - it was so firm that when I was having further IVF cycles I would use it at night to keep my legs elevated. A mum at nursery with 4 year old twins gave birth to another set - she wasn't in a difficult financial position but she was in her early 40s and just very exhausted so I suggested she borrow the pillow while I was in between IVF cycles. I was thinking she would use it for 6 months but after a year I started asking. When her youngest twins were 18 months I ran into her hubby in a supermarket and mentioned I was about to do IVF again and asked about the pillow - he literally made me feel like I was depriving his children of nourishment. It was so selfish as they knew how expensive IVF they had been travelling to the US from the UK for their treatment - it was not as if the could not have afforded to buy their own.

pictoosh · 15/10/2023 09:49

"Soon, but not yet."

That would rankle me. Like it's their choice. We'll let you have it when we deign to.
The only response is, 'Oh of course, we'll get another cot and give it back to you.'

Having said that, I don't want to lend or borrow stuff ever. Because of shit like this.

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