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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party etiquette- think I made a silly mistake!

131 replies

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:41

DD aged 4 started reception this year. Been getting whole class invites. Very small class with only 22 kids. One mum whose child’s birthday is 3 weeks before mine has invited us as usual for the class but also extended the invite to my older DD (she seen her at school drop offs plus we’ve had a playdate with youngest DD’s).

I’m happy she invited older DD as if I’m being honest my eldest hasn’t had many invites. She never had whole class due to being in reception during covid then parties fizzled out. Last year for example she only went to one party, other kids in class even though she has many friends they all seem to not have parties or have them but just invite one or 2 kids. She’s got lots of friends but that’s just how things are.

SORRY THIS IS THE AIBU - I said to the mother today thank you for inviting older DD but I completely understand if there’s not any spaces as I know most places have 20/25 kids max. she said it was fine and the venue she’s booked has no limit. I explained DD’s birthday 3 weeks later does have a limit of 20 kids but they’ve agreed to having 23 kids (my older DD plus 22 kids in class). I explained I’m really sorry but can’t confirm if there’s a place for her child siblings until the RSVP come (she’s got 3 kids). She got really angry with this and I feel I made a bit of a silly mistake and shouldn’t have mentioned anything till I knew numbers! I feel so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Scaredycats · 14/10/2023 18:43

How did she get angry? You didn’t do anything wrong.

DinnaeFashYersel · 14/10/2023 18:44

I don't think you've done anything wrong

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 18:44

Why on earth would she get angry?! You didn’t do anything wrong, she must be cracked. Forget it.

Changingplace · 14/10/2023 18:45

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, your venue has a limit so until you get RSVPs you can’t confirm, I think she’s being rude to assume - just because she has unlimited spaces not everyone will.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:45

It was more annoyance than anger and she replied with “I wasn’t planning on bringing all my kids” I’m trying to remember what I said I don’t remember though. I mentioned about spaces being limited. I said it as nicely as possible. I’m very quiet and softly spoken so I don’t think I said it intentionally the way she took it! I got so embarrassed with her reaction and felt really red and silly!

OP posts:
mintich · 14/10/2023 18:45

You haven't done anything wrong!

Sumtimesiamgreen · 14/10/2023 18:45

Tell us how she got angry, did she expected you to invite her three in return and told you so?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:46

She got really angry with this

sure she did oP

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:47

what Should I do? It’s a really awkward situation. I could ask venue to make another exception and have one more? My DH thinks I should not bring older DD along but she’s had no invites and this will be nice for her.

OP posts:
SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/10/2023 18:47

It sounds like you made an assumption without checking what she actually wanted to do about your party first. It probably hit a nerve. I'm sure if you apologise she'll get over it.

SawX · 14/10/2023 18:47

Sounds like she was annoyed at your assumption that she would be tit for tat and expect to bring siblings to your party. Don't worry about it.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:47

So she didn’t get really angry at all

she expressed what can only be described as very low level offence taken

CatamaranViper · 14/10/2023 18:47

Sorry if I've misunderstood but did you go to her child's party then tell her that her kids aren't invited to your child's party in three weeks time?

Seems very odd, I wouldn't discuss my kids party with the host of the current party, they probably have enough to be getting on with, especially not to tell them that their kids aren't invited

Sumtimesiamgreen · 14/10/2023 18:48

She’s being defensive because she assumed you had assumed she would want to bring all her children in return. She is insecure and you’ve done nothing wrong. I think you’ve triggered her insecurities inadvertently.

Howdoesitworkagain · 14/10/2023 18:48

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:45

It was more annoyance than anger and she replied with “I wasn’t planning on bringing all my kids” I’m trying to remember what I said I don’t remember though. I mentioned about spaces being limited. I said it as nicely as possible. I’m very quiet and softly spoken so I don’t think I said it intentionally the way she took it! I got so embarrassed with her reaction and felt really red and silly!

So she didn’t get angry then. This makes it sound like she was more annoyed that you presumed that’s why she was inviting your older one, assuming she’d want the same
in return.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 14/10/2023 18:48

I wouldn't worry about it OP. She had no right to act put out about it, just make a point of inviting her other kids if you have room, and if not, don't mention it again.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:48

I be also thinking it’s maybe her personality, which is nothing wrong but I find it hard to interact with her as she’s very serious. Another person would just have said of course wait to see how many RSVP then we’ll take it from there.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 14/10/2023 18:49

Had she actually said anything to suggest that she expected you to invite all her children. In her shoes I certainly would not have expected any such thing.
I feel you may have misread her tone of voice?
Maybe she was just reassuring you that she hadn’t expected to bring all her children?
If she was annoyed (if) then it would possibly be that she felt you were suggesting she had been angling for invites for all her kids!?

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:49

No her child’s party hasn’t happened yet. My child’s party 3 weeks after hers

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:50

But it’s common human courtesy if someone extended the invite to your child surely you would return the favour and invite them?

OP posts:
SawX · 14/10/2023 18:50

UpaladderwatchingTV · 14/10/2023 18:48

I wouldn't worry about it OP. She had no right to act put out about it, just make a point of inviting her other kids if you have room, and if not, don't mention it again.

She has no right to react? Wtf?

SawX · 14/10/2023 18:52

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:50

But it’s common human courtesy if someone extended the invite to your child surely you would return the favour and invite them?

No. Some parties allow siblings, those with limited space rarely do.

Howdoesitworkagain · 14/10/2023 18:52

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:48

I be also thinking it’s maybe her personality, which is nothing wrong but I find it hard to interact with her as she’s very serious. Another person would just have said of course wait to see how many RSVP then we’ll take it from there.

No. You’re overthinking this, and there’s no reason for you to go analysing her personality. You did something a little unusual in jumping to the conclusion that she’d want her other children to come along and she probably doesn’t like the implication that you might think she’s a CF or has a sense of entitlement.

Smartiepants79 · 14/10/2023 18:53

Just take both your kids along as they have both been invited and you have accepted for them. Take a good present to smooth things over if you’re really worried.
As for your own party just carry on as you planned. I presume that at least some of this ladies 4 children are either older or younger than yours and therefore probably not appropriate for them to come anyway.
If you happen to have free spaces the offer them to her but I feel you’re giving this more headspace than needed.

Millybob · 14/10/2023 18:54

Over-explaining got you into this tangle.
And now you're over-thinking.
I can see why people get irritated by it. Though I doubt anybody got 'really angry.' Maybe slightly brusque?

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