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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party etiquette- think I made a silly mistake!

131 replies

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:41

DD aged 4 started reception this year. Been getting whole class invites. Very small class with only 22 kids. One mum whose child’s birthday is 3 weeks before mine has invited us as usual for the class but also extended the invite to my older DD (she seen her at school drop offs plus we’ve had a playdate with youngest DD’s).

I’m happy she invited older DD as if I’m being honest my eldest hasn’t had many invites. She never had whole class due to being in reception during covid then parties fizzled out. Last year for example she only went to one party, other kids in class even though she has many friends they all seem to not have parties or have them but just invite one or 2 kids. She’s got lots of friends but that’s just how things are.

SORRY THIS IS THE AIBU - I said to the mother today thank you for inviting older DD but I completely understand if there’s not any spaces as I know most places have 20/25 kids max. she said it was fine and the venue she’s booked has no limit. I explained DD’s birthday 3 weeks later does have a limit of 20 kids but they’ve agreed to having 23 kids (my older DD plus 22 kids in class). I explained I’m really sorry but can’t confirm if there’s a place for her child siblings until the RSVP come (she’s got 3 kids). She got really angry with this and I feel I made a bit of a silly mistake and shouldn’t have mentioned anything till I knew numbers! I feel so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Bluetrue · 15/10/2023 00:26

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:48

I be also thinking it’s maybe her personality, which is nothing wrong but I find it hard to interact with her as she’s very serious. Another person would just have said of course wait to see how many RSVP then we’ll take it from there.

I don't understand why you would talk about your child's party whilst she's dealing with hers?!

You should have let her deal with her child's party and she kindly invited your older child whilst your own husband wants to exclude her from his own child's party

You then tell her that her child's siblings might not be invited

I would be very annoyed too if i was her.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 05:18

@Bluetrue can you not read? It was NOT her child’s party! We were at ANOTHER child party. She invited my other child LAST NIGHT in a TEXT. I had to reply to her so did it in person! Omg.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 05:19

Her child’s party is next month and my child’s party is 3 weeks later. Is that clear enough for you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 05:22

@Bluetrue that’s really dramatic to say you would be “annoyed” if someone responds to an invite you sent out. Again it was not her child party. The conversation came up naturally asked whose taking care of older DD and then she said my DD is welcome to come to her kids party and I said only if she’s sure as I know numbers are limited.

I wish people would read before responding

**

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 15/10/2023 05:25

Just allow your children to attend the party and to behave with grace.

Have your child's party, as planned.
If there are any kids who respond "no" then include the extra children of your friend. Make up a party bag for their younger sibling to take home for them.

Catch up with a play date for the older children.
There will be other years.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 05:26

The more I’m thinking the more I’m realising Why I’m stressing. I do not know this woman hardly. We say hello at drop off and met accidentally in the park one day after school. She put me in an awkward situation by inviting my child’s sibling. We do live in the real world where people do expect reciprocation. It’s just basic manners, if someone invites your child you invite theirs. Had I known her a little better I would not be concerned with having “manners” but truth is I don’t know her and it’s an awkward position that she’s invited my whole family (also said DH is welcome to join as will be drinks after)

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 05:29

it’s an awkward position that she’s invited my whole family (also extended invite to DH)

She put me in an awkward situation by inviting my child’s sibling.

this thread has even got crazier. This woman has done NOTHING wrong. In fact quite the opposite.

if you are not careful, you will get quite a name for yourself amongst this year group of you continue in this vein OP. And not in a good back. Take a huge leap back. And in the words of my 13 year old…. “Chillax”

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 05:29

@user1492757084 thank you. The problem is she’s not my friend. I’ve maybe had 3 conversations with her including yesterday. I take a long time to process things and I realise now why I’m stressing over it! But thank you good advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 05:31

@Barrowgirl im responding to previous person who said she should be annoyed so I’m responding to her. I’m actually over it and can’t think about it but I was responding to blue tree

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 05:32

Yes but fact remains you believe she is put you in an “awkward” position by inviting your family

when to most of us - she seems bloomin friendly and welcoming by doing that.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 05:36

@Barrowgirl i know I said I’m over it but have to respond to you! She is putting me in an awkward position because she is being very friendly and welcoming. You can’t explain this over an Anonymous forum very well but if she’s being very welcoming I feel I have to include her family too.

think this way in real life if someone you hardly know buys your DC an Xmas present wouldn’t you feel obliged to buy their kid one? I’m sure we would say the person is a CF for not buying their child a present if every year they do - it’s an actual thread sbout it a few days ago!

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 05:38

She is putting me in an awkward position because she is being very friendly and welcoming

you see I would see it as

She is being really welcoming and friendly by inviting the entire family

you see the difference

RosesAndGin · 15/10/2023 06:59

Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 05:26

The more I’m thinking the more I’m realising Why I’m stressing. I do not know this woman hardly. We say hello at drop off and met accidentally in the park one day after school. She put me in an awkward situation by inviting my child’s sibling. We do live in the real world where people do expect reciprocation. It’s just basic manners, if someone invites your child you invite theirs. Had I known her a little better I would not be concerned with having “manners” but truth is I don’t know her and it’s an awkward position that she’s invited my whole family (also said DH is welcome to join as will be drinks after)

Edited

You need to stop it now. The poor woman is being accused of putting you in an awkward position because she has invited your husband as there will be drinks after, really?
What should she have done?

Feelinglow27 · 15/10/2023 07:10

Jfc imagine children's parties taking up this much headspace

Seriously OP forget about it and move on with your life

PandoraBox2 · 15/10/2023 07:19

So you feel under pressure to invite the family of this mum just because she invited yours? In that scenario I do kind of get it. My advice would be see both scenarios as 2 separate issues. Issue 1: it’s lovely and not really an issue. Take your DD and remember to take extra gift if you can make it. Issue 2: if there is a space at your party then invite the siblings and DH of the mum, if not then don’t and just explain sorry there’s no spaces. I do get why you feeling anxiety about this but see it as 2 separate things not one whole issue. By looking at both separate issues as one it’s spiralling out of control.

another thing is really think about do you dislike this mum for some reason? Only saying this as when I have extreme reactions it’s not usually about the situation but hidden reasons as that person really annoys me then anything they say or do winds me up! but another person I like does same thing and I don’t react the same way. Is it actually the situation or deeper than that?

RedHelenB · 15/10/2023 07:23

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:47

So she didn’t get really angry at all

she expressed what can only be described as very low level offence taken

This. She was just making it clear to you not to assume that she expected to bring all her kids just because she said all yours were invited. Take older dc as planned.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 07:51

Think there’s some truth in that.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 15/10/2023 08:13

Frankly if I were her and saw this on MN and recognises herself I would uninvite all of you. You have completely taken what she said out of context. She was never expecting you to invite her other kids. And now apparently she is the terrible person. Jeez

Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 08:21

You obviously very much think in transactional terms OP

Which unfortunately means that presumably if you ever do something first ie you were the one that had invited this woman plus her entire family to your child’s party, you would then expect her to do exactly the same for you and would be most offended if she didn’t.

CurlewKate · 15/10/2023 08:25

@PandoraBox2 "So you feel under pressure to invite the family of this mum just because she invited yours?"
Well-if the OP has been on Mumsnet for more than a week yes, this is what she will think. You're supposed never to accept a playdate for your child if your circumstances mean you can't have the child back to yours and walk 4 miles in the rain when a neighbour is going to the same place and has offered you a lift because you haven't got a car. It's insane. And for people who are a little uncertain about how social interactions work, like so many of us, it must be so worrying.

If people offer you a kindness, it's fine to take it. They're not doing it for payback. I have never met this tally chart mentality in real life.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 08:27

@Barrowgirl i really wouldn’t! I hsve invited the same people every year for older DD which is not reciprocated. I understand not everyone can afford to have parties or even the need to. Some families are not big on parties.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 15/10/2023 08:28

Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 08:27

@Barrowgirl i really wouldn’t! I hsve invited the same people every year for older DD which is not reciprocated. I understand not everyone can afford to have parties or even the need to. Some families are not big on parties.

So why have you got yourself in to such a twist about this poor woman having put you in such an “awkward” position?

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 08:29

Because I feel guilty I can’t have all her kids there. I have a higher expectation of myself than I have if others. It’s called a guilt complex I think!

OP posts:
DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 15/10/2023 08:30

YANBU. You may be reading into it a little too much though.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 15/10/2023 08:31

I even considered putting my DD as a sibling than guest so I could accommodate hers but thinking like this is ridiculous as I only think of others before my own! My mum did the same btw. We never had parties but she would lend her friends money as she felt guilty even though that would mean her own kids go without

OP posts: