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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party etiquette- think I made a silly mistake!

131 replies

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:41

DD aged 4 started reception this year. Been getting whole class invites. Very small class with only 22 kids. One mum whose child’s birthday is 3 weeks before mine has invited us as usual for the class but also extended the invite to my older DD (she seen her at school drop offs plus we’ve had a playdate with youngest DD’s).

I’m happy she invited older DD as if I’m being honest my eldest hasn’t had many invites. She never had whole class due to being in reception during covid then parties fizzled out. Last year for example she only went to one party, other kids in class even though she has many friends they all seem to not have parties or have them but just invite one or 2 kids. She’s got lots of friends but that’s just how things are.

SORRY THIS IS THE AIBU - I said to the mother today thank you for inviting older DD but I completely understand if there’s not any spaces as I know most places have 20/25 kids max. she said it was fine and the venue she’s booked has no limit. I explained DD’s birthday 3 weeks later does have a limit of 20 kids but they’ve agreed to having 23 kids (my older DD plus 22 kids in class). I explained I’m really sorry but can’t confirm if there’s a place for her child siblings until the RSVP come (she’s got 3 kids). She got really angry with this and I feel I made a bit of a silly mistake and shouldn’t have mentioned anything till I knew numbers! I feel so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 14/10/2023 20:29

Yeah, you did make a mistake. There was no need to say anything at all. Anyway it's done now. Try to move on.

Gymmum82 · 14/10/2023 20:32

You’re massively overthinking. Sometimes my other kids get invited to siblings parties. Sometimes they don’t. I can honestly say I’ve never offered to invite additional siblings to any of mine in reciprocation. It’s not expected. She reacted because it wasn’t what she expected. Just move on

daisychain01 · 14/10/2023 20:39

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 18:58

No I said it in a way that I’ll find out once RSVP’s come back how much spaces we have and I’d love to have her kids if there are spaces. But I’m trying to remember if I said word “all” as she emphasised it! I really didn’t mean it in that way.

OP you're analysing this to within an inch of its life.

Have you heard of the expression "ruminating" where you churn and churn a social situation in your head and it gets blown up out of proportion.

Unfortunately that's what you're doing here and it isn't health or good for your MH. Give yourself a break, you're not a bad person, she's not a bad person. Try to stop thinking about it any more.

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 20:44

Life would be so much easier if nobody ever thought about reciprocation. Invite the children your child wants, you can afford and you have space for. Don't even think about who has/hasn't/will/won't invited your child. You can't possibly know anyone else's circumstances. The same applies to play dates and lifts.Don't over complicate things.

Isitautumnyet23 · 14/10/2023 20:51

I’ve only occasionally taken a sibling to a party, when its a big hall party for example and the parent organising the party has offered, rather than something they have paid per child for.

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong saying no (I wouldn’t have anyone’s siblings unless you get cancellations on the day and need to fill spaces) and you dont have to match what she offered. Every party is different so dont feel guilty at all.

LusaBatoosa · 14/10/2023 21:01

angelikacpickles · 14/10/2023 19:02

I think you were a bit odd. She invited your older DD as a nice thing to do and you tied yourself up in knots explaining why you might or might not be able to invite her child's siblings to your child's party. Why mention it until you knew whether you could or couldn't? At least then you could just extend the invitation, or explain that there was no space without the drama.

Edited

This. Calm down, OP. You must exhaust yourself.

Haffiana · 14/10/2023 21:05

I think OP has trouble understanding and interpreting social rules and interactions. Some people will always find it hard.

OP, it is OK to ask here if you are unsure.

greenbeansnspinach · 14/10/2023 21:13

Don’t worry, you were being straightforward about the situation. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Spirallingdownwards · 14/10/2023 21:17

She literally told you she didn't expect you to invite all her kids (ie just invite the classmate) , you are way overthinking this.

LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 21:36

I think it was weird to bring it up. Why borrow trouble? You don't know how many RSVPs you will get to your family's party.

Call her and say you feel awkward, what you meant to say was that you would love to welcome all her DC but because you need to invite the whole class, as is custom, the venue may not allow other siblings.

In future just don't bring up unnecessary topics.

LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 21:37

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 20:44

Life would be so much easier if nobody ever thought about reciprocation. Invite the children your child wants, you can afford and you have space for. Don't even think about who has/hasn't/will/won't invited your child. You can't possibly know anyone else's circumstances. The same applies to play dates and lifts.Don't over complicate things.

Social life is all about reciprocation!

Imagine never thinking about anything but what one wants!

iovebread · 14/10/2023 21:38

I'm just going to be honest. I think it was bad timing. You should have just mentioned it later or something and just said you're still arranging things and waiting to hear back from the venue blah blah. I don't think she invited your other daughter just because she had unlimited numbers etc. I think she likes your family. Yeh, she could have handled it better but I think it was more like a friend got hurt realising she didn't stand in that friendship the same way. I dunno, but I think it was just bad timing.

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 21:46

@LaurieStrode "Social life is all about reciprocation!"

My child wants to invite Fred to his party. If I have the space and the money Fred gets invited, whether or not my child was invited to Fred's last month. That's not important. It's also not important whether Fred invites my child to his party next month. Life is not a succession of tally charts.

Screamingabdabz · 14/10/2023 21:46

I think the key thing here op is that you’ve tried to be as kind as you can, given the resources you have. That’s all anyone can do.

You have no obligation to provide anything extra for anyone else. If you can’t do it, you can’t do it. It’s a shame, but tough. It’s a 5 year old’s party ffs.

And please, please, please 🙏🏻 don’t think that because people get arsey annoyed or angry that you have to obey their demands. This is how dictators and bullies thrive. Save your people pleasing for people who’ve earned it.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 14/10/2023 21:50

Sumtimesiamgreen · 14/10/2023 18:48

She’s being defensive because she assumed you had assumed she would want to bring all her children in return. She is insecure and you’ve done nothing wrong. I think you’ve triggered her insecurities inadvertently.

Ok Dr Phil 😂

Cornishclio · 14/10/2023 21:53

I would not worry about it. If you are ND you may be overthinking and focusing on this whereas the other mum has probably forgotten about it. Personally I would not mention siblings when issuing invites.

Titchyfeep · 14/10/2023 21:55

I was going to ask if you had ADHD or RSD as it sounds like you are overthinking the situation and worrying over nothing. I see you confirmed ADD. Try and let this go and move on.

JanglingJack · 14/10/2023 22:00

She didn't get angry. You are massively over thinking this.

Carry on as you were. Take your daughter and her sister. Expect one child to yours.

I don't understand how these things become such hard work.

TheCunctator · 14/10/2023 22:17

OP, I have a reasonable idea of how these thought processes work, as one of my DC would be having exactly the same thoughts as you are now.

I say to her, regularly, "forget about it and move on". Along with "you're giving it far more headspace than the other person is". I'm trying to get her to see a kind of STOP sign in her head when her thoughts start spiralling down unhelpful routes.

The other woman isn't thinking about you at all (and I mean that in a good way). From what I remember of hosting children's parties, she's probably drinking wine and thinking "thank God that's over for another year."

TheCunctator · 14/10/2023 22:20

Sorry OP - when you said you were "really dizzy in the party", I assumed you meant her DD's party, but you clearly meant another event. The rest of my comment still stands, though!

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 22:29

@TheCunctator thank you the stop sign analogy is a good idea. How old is your dc?

OP posts:
GirlOfTudor · 14/10/2023 23:10

I don't think you should've mentioned it before giving invites out tbh. Deal with it then once the decision is more final.

TheCunctator · 14/10/2023 23:28

Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 22:29

@TheCunctator thank you the stop sign analogy is a good idea. How old is your dc?

This DC is 19. She is an over-thinker and an over-sharer who digs herself holes and then keeps digging, and then becomes anxious about the depth of the hole when everyone else has long since walked past it and is thinking about other things. She's been like this since she could talk!

She's also a lovely, kind human being and quite often gets in a muddle because she's trying to do the right thing without quite reading the social cues and knowing what the 'right thing' might be.

I can't always stop her spiralling, but if I can intercept a spiral, I try to do the STOP thing, and then try to get her to break down what she's worried about into manageable chunks. I also try to get her to tell me what's the worst thing that could happen in a particular scenario.

In the scenario you outlined, what's the worst thing that could happen? Is that 'worst thing' really going to be that bad? Is anyone going to die or be made homeless or lose their job? The realistic worst thing is that Other Mother feels put out for a couple of minutes. What's the most likely outcome of this worst thing? It's that Other Mother forgets about it because not many people with three children have got the headspace to dwell on anything.

My DD is at university a long way from home but Face Times me when she's going down an overthinking rabbit hole and I can normally talk some sense into her.

Original poster
Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 23:28

Invites are sent via class WhatsApp. I RSVP’d and she privately messaged me yesterday that my older DD can come too. I sent out an invite last week which she RSVPd to already. Most have RSVP’s just waiting for a few more so I will then know how many spaces are free. I would like to invite cousins too tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookies5543 · 14/10/2023 23:32

@TheCunctator thank you so much. You’re daughter is very lucky to have you as a mum! x

OP posts:
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