Party etiquette- think I made a silly mistake!

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DD aged 4 started reception this year. Been getting whole class invites. Very small class with only 22 kids. One mum whose child’s birthday is 3 weeks before mine has invited us as usual for the class but also extended the invite to my older DD (she seen her at school drop offs plus we’ve had a playdate with youngest DD’s).

I’m happy she invited older DD as if I’m being honest my eldest hasn’t had many invites. She never had whole class due to being in reception during covid then parties fizzled out. Last year for example she only went to one party, other kids in class even though she has many friends they all seem to not have parties or have them but just invite one or 2 kids. She’s got lots of friends but that’s just how things are.

SORRY THIS IS THE AIBU - I said to the mother today thank you for inviting older DD but I completely understand if there’s not any spaces as I know most places have 20/25 kids max. she said it was fine and the venue she’s booked has no limit. I explained DD’s birthday 3 weeks later does have a limit of 20 kids but they’ve agreed to having 23 kids (my older DD plus 22 kids in class). I explained I’m really sorry but can’t confirm if there’s a place for her child siblings until the RSVP come (she’s got 3 kids). She got really angry with this and I feel I made a bit of a silly mistake and shouldn’t have mentioned anything till I knew numbers! I feel so embarrassed.

No I’m not saying it’s okay @Barrowgirl the previous person I replied to said I should phone her up and smooth things. My point was we did speak afterwards so no need for phone call. Gosh!

This isn't worth worrying about op. You haven't done anything wrong and I doubt she's given it another thought.

@DisappearingGirl thank you so much! She seemed to be Okay-ish after but I’m embarrassed she must have give home and said to her DH thought how rude I was but I didn’t mean to be rude! I am suffering from ADD so I get overwhelmed very easily, I’m sure she’s forgotten but I don’t lol!

I wish I could be more relaxed. I know my sister would not have even thought about inviting her kids. I just get overwhelmed with social rules. In my mind she invited mine do I must invite hers

You said she seemed “okay”

It is okay

Good grief Op

You are at the start of your school journey - On the basis of this… I foresee hundreds of mumsnet threads. Both started by you and about you

make the change. Now

@Barrowgirl if you are annoyed with someone I’m sure in social setting you seem to be okay for a while after I’m sure you don’t act annoyed for rest of the evening? Or I may be wrong lol. Certainly most people even if annoyed seem to calm down and hide it in a social scene

Ignore the nitpicking OP, normal to sometimes overthink things, but rest assured it's not an issue and you've definitely not committed a social faux pas!

@Barrowgirl lol! You’re right. Thanks x

@ChickHenLittle thank you that’s what I was actually trying to ask if I committed a faux pas

I would wager this woman is at home kicking back with a glass of wine and looking forward to kicking back in front of the TV having given this zero thought.

OP - no one can be this anxious about this without being anxious about so so so much in life

I agree with your DH. I think it’s slightly odd to bring your older child along unless you have no childcare. I get that she hasn’t had many big class parties due to Covid but I’m not sure attending a younger age group party really helps with that. Maybe I’m the odd one out for thinking that though.

You are overthinking this. Take your DD if she has been invited. Stop worrying.

But why would you bring up the subject of the siblings of her DD? The fact that she invited your DD’s sibling does not at all indicate that you need to invite her DD’s siblings, or even mention it.

I don’t know why you would have mentioned her other kids at all tbh. I think it’s exceptionally weird for siblings to attend parties of kids they don’t know, and I’ve only ever seen this happen when the mum is a single mum and has no other option tbh. I would never think to even ask if the kids have other siblings (my kid is also reception and also having a party in 3 weeks, we have invited the whole class because we are doing it joint with another child, if it was just out
party it would have been 5 friends attending soft play with us! I don’t care for etiquette and rules!) and then invite them to my child’s party!

I felt really red and silly

Maybe you're a red hot silly pepper?!

But you didn't? You told the mum that you probably couldn't invite other siblings

But it’s common human courtesy if someone extended the invite to your child surely you would return the favour and invite them?

It really isn’t.

The parties would then have to include all family, friends, friends children, whole class, and on it goes!!

Get an invite, accept or decline. Have a party - send invites.

They are kids parties, not summons! Plus my teens rarely speak to people they have childhood parties with - they soon fizzle out - and smaller parties begin.

I wish people would actually stop with the whole class parties - mine never had them, they aren’t friends with the whole class, nor would they have wanted to be.

It sounds like she's assumed you're telling her as you think she's a CF who assumes you'll invite all her kids now

This

With kindness OP you might want to toughen up

You aren’t a kid. Fussing and flapping like this as an adult isn’t cute.

You want to be an example to your kids of a capable women don’t you? Not taking on other people’s stress is a key skill. It’s simply not your problem, forget it.

It's not really about party etiquette, it's just that you made it all more confusing than it has to be. You want your older DD to go but acted as though you weren't sure and queried whether she knew her own numbers - instead of just saying 'thank you - that was kind and I appreciate it'. Then she might have thought you were warning her not to bring all her DCs to your DD's party.

Don't worry so much. You should have just thanked her for inviting both your children and said they were looking forward to it. She doesn't need to know why your elder DD hasn't had many parties and she wouldn't have been invited if there wasn't space. Then, to compound things, you tied yourself in knots about the numbers for your party. Although it's nice to invite siblings if the other person has done so, everyone knows that many venues have limits and would not expect you to leave out classmates to accommodate siblings.

But, I really doubt she has been as bothered as you. Embarrassment always feels much worse than it looks.

So relax and enjoy the parties. In future, maybe think how much you need to say and don't worry about sharing all your thought processes

She probably thought you were hinting that she couldn’t bring all 3 - and was annoyed because she never intended to.
i’d find the extra space and then invite all 3, do it by text so you don’t get misunderstood - “I’m so pleased I can have all 3 of yours, I really wanted to as it was so kind of you to invite dd2, I really appreciate it”

You're getting some unnecessarily harsh comments here I think. You sound a bit socially anxious (as am I) and it's horrible when someone takes something the wrong way and you don't know how to put it right. I would just try to carry on being friendly and hope it came up again naturally so I could explain...but I'm crap at this stuff! I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset, though.

Please don’t do this.