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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Idiot colleague

145 replies

Mumof118 · 14/10/2023 09:20

I have an 18 year old son who suffers with IBS or IBD. We aren’t sure yet. He’s under the care of a dietitian and is awaiting more tests following a colonoscopy.

It’s affected his life significantly over the past 3 years. He doesn’t go out with friends. He’s too self conscious to date. He couldn’t go off to uni this year and he struggles working.

He’s recently gone onto the carnivore diet which is helping to control his symptoms better than the medications he’s so far been prescribed.

At work he sometimes needs to use the loo. If he’s gone 15 minutes, he makes the time up at the end. It’s not ideal, but fortunately his manager has been this far understanding.

Last week a colleague in front of customers and colleagues commented on my DS’s toilet habits. She (age around 50) commented on him using the toilet for 20 minutes despite him being ok during that shift.

Today he has called me from work panicking because she did it again today, and a number of colleagues laughed at her ‘joke’.

I’ve told him to ignore her, work hard and perhaps mention it to the manager later. I’m trying to build his resilience. He really doesn’t want to be there now, but he needs to have a job or he’ll just sit in his room on his PS.

But despite being a non confrontational person, I want to go to that shop and see that bloody woman myself. He’s already suffering with depression and anxiety due to this illness and was just getting back on track a bit with this job.

Would I be unreasonable to intervene, or do I keep out of it and let him, as an adult, deal with this and learn how to manage such situations himself. Sigh.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 14/10/2023 09:22

He needs to log this and speak to HR
it is 1000% not acceptable
he has a health condition - work should be legally making reasonable adjustments not laughing at him
his colleague sounds horrible
he needs to tackle this - the law and right is on his side

Original poster

Mumof118 · 14/10/2023 09:25

Thank you. I’m so upset for him right now, I’m shaking, even though I won’t show this to him. I want him to bounce back again.
I’ll get him to log every incident and speak to HR.

OP posts:

Lorelaigilmore88 · 14/10/2023 09:26

What a horrible cow.
I would suggest he speaks to his manager about this. I don't think you should be getting involved, hes an adult and i dont think it would help the situation.
If his manager is aware of his underlying health condition, and the situation with time being made back up for lengthy toilet breaks has been agreed as a reasonable adjustment, its absolutely nothing to do with his colleague. She has no right to make any comments, 'joking' or otherwise. I would say he needs to speak to his manager about it.
Stuff like this is considered workplace bullying.

Jewelspun · 14/10/2023 09:28

If she doesn't know he has a health condition she might be annoyed thinking he is shirking and disappearing to the loo to go on his phone etc.

Either he tells her that he has a health problem, he can decide whether or not say what it is or he tells the manager and the manager has a quiet word with her although of course you have no idea what the manager will actually say to her and that in itself could piss he's off and make her pick on your son more.

I don't think you should interfere as he needs to be able to cope with situations and having mum turn up is just going to undermine his confidence and make him a target of ridicule at work.

Original poster

Mumof118 · 14/10/2023 09:32

I do know it’s best for me to stay out of this. I will just be on his side when he gets home.

Thank you

OP posts:

BettyBallerina · 14/10/2023 09:36

Oh, what a vile woman. In the first instance, I would probably advise my son to take her aside quietly and explain his medical condition and how her ‘jokes’ made him feel. If she were to continue then hopefully the manager will take action. I can completely understand you wanting to go there yourself, I’d be the same! But I think it will be better to encourage your ds to try to nip this in the bud calmly at first. If she were to continue to do this then she deserves to lose her job.

23Oct · 14/10/2023 09:37

If she doesn't know he has a health condition she might be annoyed thinking he is shirking and disappearing to the loo to go on his phone etc.

Exactly, she's not a 'horrible cow' she's just putting her foot in it!

Op he needs to have a word with her or the manager, or just call her out for it.

AgnesX · 14/10/2023 09:37

Presumably she doesn't know, not that it's any excuse.

He, not you, needs to speak to his line manager or other sympathetic team member who then needs to tell her that her behaviour is not on.

Just as an aside if he works with a decent bunch of people they'll be nothing but sympathetic.

10HailMarys · 14/10/2023 09:38

His boss needs to have a word with his colleague. If she doesn’t know he has a health issue, then obviously it will look like he’s slacking if he regularly disappears for 15-20 minutes during his shifts - that’s a significant amount of time for a shift worker paid by the hour. So either your son or his boss needs to explain the situation.

But it’s your son, not you, who needs to address this with his colleagues. He’s at work, not school, and it’s not a parent’s place to get involved. He’s legally an adult and from an employer’s perspective, what happens at his place of work is none of your business. Your son needs to manage this stuff himself.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 14/10/2023 09:40

23Oct · 14/10/2023 09:37

If she doesn't know he has a health condition she might be annoyed thinking he is shirking and disappearing to the loo to go on his phone etc.

Exactly, she's not a 'horrible cow' she's just putting her foot in it!

Op he needs to have a word with her or the manager, or just call her out for it.

She is a cow though. You don't repeatedly make jokes, at someone's expense, about something so personal in the workplace in front of colleagues and customers. Shes 50 not 5.

Original poster

Mumof118 · 14/10/2023 09:43

Lorelaigilmore88 · 14/10/2023 09:40

She is a cow though. You don't repeatedly make jokes, at someone's expense, about something so personal in the workplace in front of colleagues and customers. Shes 50 not 5.

Show quote history

This was my sentiment. It’s cruel. I wouldn’t joke about a colleague using the toilet.

OP posts:

ColleenDonaghy · 14/10/2023 09:48

She's awful, but no you can't get involved.

Agree the best course of action would be for him to take her to one side and explain that he has a medical condition and he doesn't appreciate her remarks as he finds them embarrassing when he's already struggling.

If he's not able for that (and fair enough), then speak to his manager who sounds understanding.

Can't believe they make him make up the time though! That's a bit mean.

MrsPinkCock · 14/10/2023 09:50

Well if his IBS/IBD amounts to a legal disability, which it might, then her comments/actions could constitute disability related harassment and a failure to make reasonable adjustments…

He really needs to speak to HR, explain his medical condition, it’s impact and ongoing investigations and tell them that his manager has been making inappropriate comments…

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 14/10/2023 09:50

I just knew it would be someone that age. My age. What is it with people 45 to 60 who are so vile to most people, but especially to teens?

I know it is becoming a bugbear of mine, but it is like the Covid denier "rallies" that attracted pot-bellied, balding, white men aged around 50 -60. Well, about a dozen of the sad things who are looking for a cause and found one. So many of my generation have very little respect for anyone. HUGE generalisation I know, but it is something I have observed over the last few years.

I am so sorry for your son OP, mine is about the same age and I would be wanting to rip her ruddy head off. They are still young enough to need our protection, but classed as adults so we can't storm go in and sort it.

It is an HR problem, but it sadly wont stop the rude, unkind under the breath remarks and pointed looks she gives her colleagues.

EvilElsa · 14/10/2023 09:52

I'd be tempted to say loudly "I'VE GOT A MEDICAL CONDITION SANDRA" and make her feel like a bullying twat, but i understand this is tough for an anxious 18 year old. Tell him to speak to the manager who can address it with her directly.

ClairDeLaLune · 14/10/2023 10:05

Oh OP I’m almost in tears for your poor son. What an awful thing to deal with at this age. And what a bullying cow his colleague is. I think he needs to have a word with his boss who sounds very understanding, and hopefully the boss will enlighten the ignorant bitch. Pretty sure this would class as a protected characteristic so this situation is breaching employment law.

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2023 10:15

He will take his cue from you. Show him how to deal with it. Help him email his boss. Tell him why it’s unacceptable and empower him to deal with it.

My mum showed me her strength and ability to challenge incorrect behaviour from young and it means I’m not scared of doing so now as an adult.

You have to show your son and give him the tools.

LlynTegid · 14/10/2023 10:24

Definitely HR.

Comments about colleagues should not be made in front of customers.

INeedAnotherName · 14/10/2023 10:26

I agree with PP. If she doesn't know he has a medical condition she'll be thinking he's trying to hide from working. It's surprising how many men do that in the home to avoid taking care of children.

His best course of action is to pull her to one side, tell her that the comments upset him a lot and that he has a medical condition that sometimes requires him to go for a while. Add that the line manager is aware of it all. Once he sees her reaction to that he can decide whether to notify his line manager of her comments. Unfortunately I think he needs to learn how to deal with these comments head on, he's going to have a lifetime of them.

CurlewKate · 14/10/2023 10:27

Her age is relevant exactly why?

He needs to talk to HR. She needs to be told to stop.

melj1213 · 14/10/2023 10:29

YABU - your son is 18, he needs to deal with it himself as an adult.

Either he needs to tell the woman he has a medical condition or have a word with his manager so they can speak to her but if mummy comes in, all guns blazing, then that is not going to help the situation. He doesn't have to tell her, or any of his colleagues, about his medical issues but in cases like this it's often better to give a little bit of information up front to explain rather than end up in a situation where other people assume he's a pisstaker. A simple "Marjorie, I have a medical condition which management knows about, hence the longer break, can you please stop talking about my break schedule?"

TBF to the woman, whilst this was not kind of her, it does depend on what she said as to whether it was just an unkind and unprofessional comment Vs a targeted comment meant to humiliate him.

"Oh Jimmy's off to the loo again? Hope nobody needs him for anything urgent, he's usually gone a while" Vs "FFS Jimmy, what the hell are you eating that means you are in the toilet for 20 mins every time? Eat some more roughage, lad!"

The first is unkind and unprofessional, but I could see being said on a jokey way and not intended to upset but just highlight the time he goes off to the toilet, whereas the second is targeted and intended to humiliate him as it puts him on the spot in front of everyone.

I work in retail and I'll be honest the younger staff do tend to disappear "to the loo" for excessive periods more than the older staff as they're checking their phone or sometimes just skiving off for 5 minutes etc. Equally if they're working in retail, whilst he may not be able to control when he has to go, if it happens when they're busy/there's lots to do then the other staff may be frustrated that he's always disappearing for ages (everyone else might nip to the loo and be gone longer than expected occasionally but he's gone for a while every time) leaving them with all the work, as even if he stays late to make up the time that doesn't help them when they're busy now.

If someone young started in my workplace and kept disappearing for long periods without explanation then I'd probably think the same - that they were skiving off. I wouldn't say something in front of everyone I'd just mutter under my breath in the moment until but I would be having a word with my manager (if there was no information provided) to ensure they were aware of the extent of the disappearance/let them know how it was affecting my work but as soon as they said they were aware and there was a reason for it then I'd drop it.

Readingineading · 14/10/2023 10:32

She sounds horrible. Nasty , bullying behaviour. I bet she is one of those " I say it as I see it " twats. Your son shouldn't have to put up with this .

Malarandras · 14/10/2023 10:33

You absolutely should not intervene. He’s 18 and at work, he isn’t at school anymore. He needs to speak to his boss and they need to deal with the situation. Tough though it may be your son needs to learn how to handle things on his own.

willWillSmithsmith · 14/10/2023 10:34

I don’t blame you OP, I’d be furious too and chomping at the bit to confront her/them. Realistically though I think he needs it to be officially recorded that he has a health issue and that management need to make it clear to colleagues that mocking/bullying someone’s health issue won’t be tolerated.

DinnaeFashYersel · 14/10/2023 10:38

He needs to race so it with his manager or HR.

But you absolutely need to stay out of it.

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