Idiot colleague

[Mumof118]

I have an 18 year old son who suffers with IBS or IBD. We aren’t sure yet. He’s under the care of a dietitian and is awaiting more tests following a colonoscopy.

It’s affected his life significantly over the past 3 years. He doesn’t go out with friends. He’s too self conscious to date. He couldn’t go off to uni this year and he struggles working.

He’s recently gone onto the carnivore diet which is helping to control his symptoms better than the medications he’s so far been prescribed.

At work he sometimes needs to use the loo. If he’s gone 15 minutes, he makes the time up at the end. It’s not ideal, but fortunately his manager has been this far understanding.

Last week a colleague in front of customers and colleagues commented on my DS’s toilet habits. She (age around 50) commented on him using the toilet for 20 minutes despite him being ok during that shift.

Today he has called me from work panicking because she did it again today, and a number of colleagues laughed at her ‘joke’.

I’ve told him to ignore her, work hard and perhaps mention it to the manager later. I’m trying to build his resilience. He really doesn’t want to be there now, but he needs to have a job or he’ll just sit in his room on his PS.

But despite being a non confrontational person, I want to go to that shop and see that bloody woman myself. He’s already suffering with depression and anxiety due to this illness and was just getting back on track a bit with this job.

Would I be unreasonable to intervene, or do I keep out of it and let him, as an adult, deal with this and learn how to manage such situations himself. Sigh.

I'm sorry your son is experiencing this. From what you've said, his employer is aware of his condition/situation and is being flexible re bathroom breaks (ie reasonable adjustment) - and it sounds like your son is being responsible in terms of making up time so he is pulling his weight at work - all sounds entirely fair and reasonable.

In terms of the colleague, I would advise your son to do as follows:

1. Pull colleague aside and ask for a word;
2. Say to said colleague that he appreciates that it may look like he's slacking - however, he has a medical condition (he does not have to provide more details as to what it is), the employer is completely aware and is making allowances for extended bathroom breaks - he is making up the time and the employer is fine with it. He appreciates that the colleague may not have known this, but he is letting her know and would ask that she stops making comments about it. Doesn't need to be angry or aggressive - just a reasonable conversation that allows for the colleague perhaps not realising the situation - but also asks her to stop her behaviour. He needs to be polite - but firm. Basically "I want us to all get along - so I've told you of the situation - now stop your behaviour and lets be cool".
3. If she continues the behaviour - THEN - report to HR/manager - because he can then say he tried to resolve the issue directly and respectfully - but the behaviour has continued. This shows professionalism on his part and that he has taken reasonable steps to resolve the situation before going to HR/management - they should respect that.

The colleague should not be making the comments at all - regardless of her feelings - and if she has concerns about your son slacking then there are more appropriate ways to deal with it. I have to be clear - I do not think her conduct is acceptable at all.

HOWEVER - I would recommend the above approach in the first instance - it shows maturity and professionalism on his part. If she wants to act unprofessional then she will show herself up in due course. The above approach does, however, avoid her being able to say she didn't know about his condition/situation if he makes a complaint to HR/management and gives her an opportunity to correct her behaviour (and hopefully apologise!).

Your son puts her on notice in a polite, calm, respectful way - then the ball is in her court. She can either stop her behaviour - in which case, job done - or she will continue it, in which case your son can reasonably escalate the issue and the colleague cannot claim she didn't know about his condition and the reasonable adjustments in place by his employer.

I hope this helps and your son manages to resolve the situation.

This. He needs to learn to talk to people, before going to HR.

You say that 'fortunately his manager has been this far understanding' about his needing to take longer toilet breaks. Just to point out that more than just understanding is required of your DS employer, it is their specific duty under the EA 2010 to make reasonable adjustments to accommodate his disability. And a 15-20 minute toilet break - with time made up afterwards - sounds reasonable to me.

So your DS should not be the least bit embarrassed or worried about this situation, on the contrary he should feel very proud of himself that he is managing his condition and enabling himself to work. People like this woman should be regarded with the contempt they deserve.

I would advise him to tell her he has a condition and to mind her beak. Getting managers or HR involved won't have the same impact as him shaming her into shutting up.

I agree with this. At 18 years old you don’t want to rock the boat so this maybe doable for him rather than giving up the job out of awkwardness.

OP, he meets the definition of disability for his IBS as well as his anxiety. You may not want to speak for him, but you could help him draft a grievance letter to HR. Make sure it references the Equality Act and the duty to make reasonable adjustments so that he is taken much more seriously.

So sorry to hear this is happening to your son. There is a great resource on this website... It's not for people with ibs or ibd but I think it could still be helpful. You can download the reasonable adjustments at work full pack and it will tell you his rights and what he can do. It's absolutely unacceptable for his colleagues to be treating him this way. https://www.mastcellaction.org/resources

As a fellow IBS sufferer I would advise him to toot in her handbag, or perhaps in a lift with her in it 💨

Surely the best thing to do would for him to just politely say to the lady “I have a medical condition and it makes me really uncomfortable when you make jokes about it. Could you please stop.” Chance are she will be mortified and will. Why the need to go in guns blazing to immediately raise it with a manager or confront her angrily. Sure - if he asks her not to and she does it again, then it’s an issue to raise with management. But most issues in life can be solved by having a calm adult conversation.

Please don't intervene OP, it wouldn't be appropriate and might prevent him from getting a desirable outcome. I worked in retail management for years and parents ringing up about their (adult)DC is not perceived at all favourably, for obvious reasons. You do not work for the company and weren't there so your testimony and opinion on the matter isn't relevant for the purpose of any investigation into events. He can speak to his line manager to understand the process of raising a grievance, if he wants to do this and feels it cannot be otherwise resolved and then can put it in writing and follow the pricess. After this an investigating manager will establish the facts of the event by hearing the grievance at a meeting, speaking to witnesses who were there and the other party accused of making the comments and will either conclude the complain upheld or not. DS will have the opportunity to say what outcome he wants in the circumstance and the investigating manager will decide what happens next, consulting with HR in so doing.

As this is an isolated incident and comment and not a sustained and deliberate campaign against him, ultimately I would manage expectations here. The most likely outcome is that his line manager will speak to the woman involved, ask her not to do this again, re-explain the appropriate behaviours and she and DS will agree to move forward, she can be asked to apologise but is not obliged to. If he is unhappy with the outcome he can appeal or request to work a different shift to her but again, is not entitled to this if it cannot be reasonably accommodated.

This is a place of work and ultimately private property, you don't have the reasonable right to go there to have a conversation, polite or otherwise with your DS colleague, and that is before considering how embarrassing it would be for all involved. I'd support him at home, remain calm and encourage him as an adult to put this into writing rather than risk being banned from the store or said colleague raising her own complaint that involves your son (have seen both happen many times).

It is also worth him speaking to his line manager about the reasonable adjustments he requires, whether a different shift pattern or shorter shifts might help if there is a time of day things are worse and so on. He can submit a doctors note in support of this.

this

Tell him to say

“Cheers for your input Brenda (this is what she’s called in my imagination). If you’d like to provide me with a list of your medical conditions so I can take the piss out of you I’m happy to oblige”.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to intervene - but only via the manager.

Ideally he’ll talk to the manager himself, so support him to do that in the first instance. His colleagues don’t need to know details just that he has a medical condition.

The women is either thick or a bitch or both, but charging in to speak to her would be the worst idea.

This is HR's job.
If she has a problem with him - a quiet word with HR.
If he has a medical condition-none of her business-get support from HR.

It's their job

If this was a situation with a colleague speaking a little bit out of turn, then would agree that having a quiet word with the woman might be the best way to resolve it. But I think the situation is beyond this for 2 reasons:

Firstly, my concern with approaching the woman directly is that she is potentially not a person who would respond positively to being politely asked to stop. The op reports that she has commented and joked about her DS toilet habits on 2 occasions in front of colleagues and customers. What if she isn't motified as she should be and doesn't respond positively? What if it makes matters worse and even rebounds on her DS?

Secondly, this isn't a social situation but a workplace, and her behaviour at work is potentially harassment which has serious implications of that workplace.

I don't think this is on Op's DS at all to resolve, so think the best way forward is to approach management and require them to resolve it as they should.

He needs to get his manager to tell her that he has a disability, that her comments are designed to humiliate him and are therefore discriminatory, so if she does it again she will be disciplined.

What is it with people 45 to 60 who are so vile to most people, but especially to teens?

Speak for yourself. I don't know anybody this age who is rude to people!!

Sick of the ageist bullshit on here.

You're mixing with the wrong crowds.

I don't have anything to suggest about the workplace stuff, but just wanted to offer my sympathies.

My sister had a similar medical history, spending several years through A-levels and GCSE quite ill, and eventually being diagnosed with IBD, and then having to navigate it through university and her first job away from home.

I also had a boyfriend who was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in his final year of university. I met him shortly after he came off of sick leave, we became friends and eventually started a romantic relationship. I was already aware of what the condition entailed due to family history, and was aware of his recent sick leave, and he was able to talk quite frankly with me about it. However, it was very brave of him to do so and I always admired how brave he had been to start a romantic relationship and navigate a young adult sexuality under those circumstances.

Hopefully your son will get some answers, some treatment that helps and meet some people who are understanding of the situation and he can live life to the fullest. It is a tough hand to be dealt.

I don't see why Op's DS should talk to the woman as proposed, and wait with baited breath to see whether or not she does it again. Even once is unacceptable. And her manager needs to tell her that.

I am a manager. If one of my team reported to me that they no longer wanted to work there because of how unhappy they had been made by a colleague's disability-related harassment! - well let's just say that colleague would be potentially facing serious consequences.

Your poor son 🙁 This should be recorded as a disability and his manager is no better than this vile woman if they are letting it continue.
As others have said. Get him to contact HR or ACAS if he isn’t confident enough/HR are crap.
I hope HR give him the support he needs. Keep telling him that she/manager is the problem, not him ❤️

Actually yes, she is horrible. It does not matter what she thinks. It is inappropriate to make such comments to colleagues and/or customers, and any idiot knows that. If she has concerns that someone is shirking the correct action is to speak to the manager - not bully someone.

OP, don't wait - it has happened twice and he needs to go to his manager and tell them what happened.

Hi I'm a retired HR Manager. The female colleague mocking your son sounds rather immature. I wish people would stop and think whether someone might have a hidden disability. Would your son consider wearing a sunflower lanyard (they signify disability including hidden disability) - this is of course a personal choice. I wear one as I'm Asperger. Definitely advise your son to tell manager, in confidence, the nature of his condition and any reasonable adjustments that would help him. I wouldn't advise your son confronting the colleague & definitely not yourself confronting her. A good manager should be able to close down this person's behaviour. I hope your son feels more settled :)

I too suffer from IBD. People can be cruel as it's an invisible disability.
I was early 20s when I was diagnosed.
He really needs to have a word with his boss.

agree 😉

I voted that you would be unreasonable to intervene here. It has to be your son that raises a grievance with his manager that a medical condition is being commented on and being joked about.

His colleagues need to be spoken to by their manager about what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and acceptable to discuss.

Best of luck to your son here.