Idiot colleague

[Mumof118]

I have an 18 year old son who suffers with IBS or IBD. We aren’t sure yet. He’s under the care of a dietitian and is awaiting more tests following a colonoscopy.

It’s affected his life significantly over the past 3 years. He doesn’t go out with friends. He’s too self conscious to date. He couldn’t go off to uni this year and he struggles working.

He’s recently gone onto the carnivore diet which is helping to control his symptoms better than the medications he’s so far been prescribed.

At work he sometimes needs to use the loo. If he’s gone 15 minutes, he makes the time up at the end. It’s not ideal, but fortunately his manager has been this far understanding.

Last week a colleague in front of customers and colleagues commented on my DS’s toilet habits. She (age around 50) commented on him using the toilet for 20 minutes despite him being ok during that shift.

Today he has called me from work panicking because she did it again today, and a number of colleagues laughed at her ‘joke’.

I’ve told him to ignore her, work hard and perhaps mention it to the manager later. I’m trying to build his resilience. He really doesn’t want to be there now, but he needs to have a job or he’ll just sit in his room on his PS.

But despite being a non confrontational person, I want to go to that shop and see that bloody woman myself. He’s already suffering with depression and anxiety due to this illness and was just getting back on track a bit with this job.

Would I be unreasonable to intervene, or do I keep out of it and let him, as an adult, deal with this and learn how to manage such situations himself. Sigh.

It isn't anything to be embarrassed about but it's still none of her bloody business!

As long as his manager is aware that's all that needs to be done (by your son) he absolutely shouldn't talk to the woman because she's probably still not going to be kind about it

Management need to deal with workplace attitudes and behaviour

That's basically akin to saying that anyone with a hidden health condition/disability should have to out themselves for the benefit of others.

Completely sympathise with OP's son, but he doesn't have to disclose anything. "I've so spoken to (manager) about this, Eleanor, she has no issue" is enough.

It's difficult to know if she is a raging cow or just having banter without relaxing she's being a cow. Regardless, it is upsetting to ds, so something needs to be done certainly

It sounds as if your son needs to take this woman aside and let her know that he has a medical condition that necessitates long visits to the toilet. If she won't take it seriously, he can let her know that the managers know about it and that if necessary he will report her. Bullying someone for disability is a very serious matter.

"I have health condition that is considered a disability. Management and HR are aware of it, and if you continue to make jokes about it, they will also be made of of your discriminatory behaviour."
Take her out!

By pass on I do not expect it literally but could very well be told that there are reasons why it is the case and that the lad makes up extra time at the end of the shift so stop the comments.

People have no business 'assuming' anything about their colleagues and need to accept that some people may have personal issues going on that others are not privy to. If other workers feel overworked they need to discuss it confidentially with their managers rather than taking it out on their colleague, which constitutes bullying.

So yes what you are saying is tripe.

I would get your son to start to keep a diary and log any and all comments like this. Get him to record what’s already been said

also, get him to record his hours worked carefully, in this record. He can do this by logging into a work device or just taking a selfie with him ready to work and to leave.

secondly make sure he is ALWAYS in a union to protect his rights against stuff like this where management may not be as supportive as he thinks. If he has long term issues then this is vital forever. You don’t know you need union legal advice until it’s too late and issue is ongoing and unions won’t pick up case.

then he should go to his line manager. State that he is feeling unhappy as a result of these comments. Say clearly he doesn’t want his medical information shared in any way. Ask his boss to explain what he ( ds) should do in this situation. In effect ask for “ help”. Don’t let him say “ she made me feel”, “she is “ etc, always phrase as “ I” statements. Don’t say to boss “ you should/ must” etc. Phrase it like he’s asking for help to solve the situation himself and take ownership - that’ll come across much better to any boss. but really any decent line manager will know they’re facing a discrimination issue and will head it off immediately with the women and say to your son that he’ll take care of the issue.

id also explore what options there are to have his condition recognised as a disability if it effects him that much - again to get full force of law on his side.

long loo breaks are a minor thing to “ adjustment” to manage if you can flex people’s working hours. Frankly it’s a none issue for management n this case. It affects so many people : women with heavy periods, people with UTIs, IBS, and god knows who else.

Ditto this

The woman is a twat. This may be part of how DS needs to approach his manager but I don’t think he necessarily needs to tell the woman herself how she makes him feel, should he choose to confront her. Her reaction is unpredictable.

Safest route to quashing her unacceptable behaviour is through management or HR, whichever DS is more comfortable with. Best wishes to him

Your DS shouldn't need to speak to colleagues about this, but he needs to report it to his manager. He should not be subjected to this in the workplace, it is unacceptable.

Legal definition of disability re Equality Act 2010: "a physical or mental impairment that has a ‘substantial’ and ‘long-term’ negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities". From what you have described it is highly likely that your DS is covered by this; which means this woman's actions could constitute harassment which is specifically illegal. So a responsible employer will deal with this.

I wish your DS and you all the very best. He sounds great and an asset to his employer, it is such a shame he has been subjected to this at the start of his working life

I have IBD. While it was being diagnosed anf at various periods since, I was very very poorly, but still had to go to work, because I like to be able to live in a building and eat food.

He needs to speak to the manager and say he's upset by her comments, and that other people are now joining in and he's feeling bullied because of his disability. And directly ask the manager to speak with her about it. He shouldn't let them fob him off with 'I'll monitor it' or anything like that.

I was relentlessly bullied for 'skiving' and tried to ignore until unfortunately one day I exploded and ended up yelling at a group of people bitching at me about going the the "toilet" (their air quotes) a graphic and expletive littered description of my symptoms.

They did fuck off after that to be fair, but I wouldn't recommend it - far better to get the manager to resolve it before he cracks from the stress (which will make the symptoms worse btw).

YABU in that I don’t think you should get involved directly but that doesn’t mean you can’t advise him.

You need to get your son to speak to the manager who should then speak to the colleague. It’s wrong what she is saying and at her age should know not to joke about it!

@Redsippycup

I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and it’s exactly what I don’t want for my son. Thank you for sharing 💐

He should also ask for an occupational health assessment if he hasn't had one already, so it's properly documented. They will advise the employer on whether it meets the legal definititon of a disability, which it very much sounds like it does. (important to note the impairment is assessed as it would be with no medication, not how he is when medicated)

This.

You don’t joke about. If she’s noticed he spends a long time in the loo a colleague who isn’t a complete cow would either show concern toward the colleague or if the resented speak to their manager. It is not appropriate to make jokes.

Get your son to give her some literature on bowel disorders, tell him to tell his manager what’s she’s saying and ask if any accessibility training can be provided for her. Frankly it’s disgusting she’s been allowed to do this more than once. It’s non of her business and she needs to be made aware that her actions can be classed as bullying.

It’s hard enough coping with bowel issues without someone making things worse unnecessarily. Hope your son is OK.

If she doesn't know he has a health condition she might be annoyed thinking he is shirking and disappearing to the loo to go on his phone etc.

your son need to discuss this with Manager/HR - I assume they know about his medical condition - however because of GPDR, they cannot discuss his medical condition with colleagues - unless presumably he consents to it.

I think her behaviour is abhorrent. If she thought he was shirking she should approach him and have a word with him in private not belittle him in front of customers. It doesn’t take much to undermine the confidence of young people. For a 50 year old to do that is gross.

Sorry your son is experiencing this. It’s bullying.

There is no need nor should there be any expectation that your son ‘explains’ to the colleague, gives her leaflets, or in any other way discloses his medical condition to her.
It’s totally inappropriate for HR or their manager to disclose also.

It is entirely appropriate for your son to report her bullying and he should expect that to be dealt with.

The colleague sounds dense .

American friend with same condition printed small cards with words similar to “ I have a serious health condition which necessitates me using the restroom more frequently and possibly for a longer time than you might see as normal. “
She also had a card from her hospital or health insurance ( can’t remember, 20 years ago) which she flashed at airline staff as she flew a lot for work so she got to use the toilet in business class if it was the closest and she knew she had to get in quick.

if your son doesn’t want to talk to this woman you could devise a similar card and he could hand it to her.
Manager should be making reasonable adjustments for his condition. Yoyr ds can always contact ACAS to intervene on his behalf.

I don't think it is up to your DS to educate this woman or talk about his condition, he should just confidentially approach his manager or HR who will then need to decide the appropriate way to deal with her.

There is no need for anyone to know about DS condition if he doesn't wish it. This woman and other colleagues just need to be educated about appropriate behaviour in the workplace.

It's important to make the distinction between bullying and harassment as in strictly legal terms they are not the same. I have posted the definition of a disability above, it is highly likely that this covers the Op's DS.

It should be enough for the employer to know he may be covered. Believe me, any decent HR professional will understand the implications of this and ensure that action is taken.

He needs to log all instances of this and inform HR. IBD is classed as a disability, a protected characteristic. And yes, the woman is a nasty cow.
I have a chronic bowel condition, and in flare ups I would be in the toilet for lengthy amounts of time, multiple times per day. I would also have to queue jump as the urgency was so bad. Thankfully I had very understanding colleagues and managers.
What this woman is doing is bullying of a protected characteristic. Management should come down on her like a ton of bricks.

'It's important to make the distinction between bullying and harassment as in strictly legal terms they are not the same', ie harassment is even more serious than bullying as it relates to a protected characteristic (in this case disability) under the Equality Act 2010. So harassment is specifically unlawful.

Whilst she should not be making comments, I do think this is the sort of job where a very basic its a medical condition talk is needed. In an office situation you can just get up and leave but you may not have that option in a shop. You obviously need someone to jump on the till and carry on serving your customers, or know they have to keep an eye on the self scans you were monitoring for example.

@FloppyelfI suggest your son simply tells this woman - most disabilities are not visible please respect my privacy.