Idiot colleague

[Mumof118]

I have an 18 year old son who suffers with IBS or IBD. We aren’t sure yet. He’s under the care of a dietitian and is awaiting more tests following a colonoscopy.

It’s affected his life significantly over the past 3 years. He doesn’t go out with friends. He’s too self conscious to date. He couldn’t go off to uni this year and he struggles working.

He’s recently gone onto the carnivore diet which is helping to control his symptoms better than the medications he’s so far been prescribed.

At work he sometimes needs to use the loo. If he’s gone 15 minutes, he makes the time up at the end. It’s not ideal, but fortunately his manager has been this far understanding.

Last week a colleague in front of customers and colleagues commented on my DS’s toilet habits. She (age around 50) commented on him using the toilet for 20 minutes despite him being ok during that shift.

Today he has called me from work panicking because she did it again today, and a number of colleagues laughed at her ‘joke’.

I’ve told him to ignore her, work hard and perhaps mention it to the manager later. I’m trying to build his resilience. He really doesn’t want to be there now, but he needs to have a job or he’ll just sit in his room on his PS.

But despite being a non confrontational person, I want to go to that shop and see that bloody woman myself. He’s already suffering with depression and anxiety due to this illness and was just getting back on track a bit with this job.

Would I be unreasonable to intervene, or do I keep out of it and let him, as an adult, deal with this and learn how to manage such situations himself. Sigh.

He needs to go to the boss every time it happens. She needs to be spoken to, as she's affecting his self-esteem and mental wellbeing. She's not much better than a bully, in my book.
YANBU to want to have a word, but of course YWBU to actually do it, OP. You would hugely embarrass your ds by this. Just keep encouraging him to speak to the boss and let them handle it.

Just popped back to say thank you again to everyone new who has posted. I promise I’m not going to intervene myself, other than to just give Ds some of the advice I’ve gotten here. I wanted to in the moment! But now I’ve calmed down, I realise what a terrible idea that would have been.

I also wanted to thank all of the managers here who have given me a lot to think about and some excellent advice. I really appreciate your time and I am taking onboard everything that’s being said by all.

Line manager here

I ‘d advise him to go to his manager and ask him to speak to her ; he doesn’t need to speak to HR or make formal complaints just yet. He first escalation is his own manager who seems to be understanding anyway; he must ask him him to sort it asap, ideally by Monday end of day

good luck, there are always idiots out in the work place so he must be confident to utilise his boss (that’s what they’re there for)

X

if she's too thick to realise he might have a health problem.....jeez.

and he shouldn't have to disclose it to her. She's not 15, to be that unaware. Does she live under a rock?

ETA the one time I saw this happen at work, the woman was dismissed for bullying.

Absolutely, at her age she should know better than to embarrass a teenager, I’d be livid. I would really want to phone his manager myself but understand everyone saying don’t. However I know my ds couldn’t possibly have dealt with this himself at 18. Perhaps as a compromise you could help him draft a letter explaining something of his health situation, and making it clear it’s private information, is not to be shared with staff, and that horrible woman has to shut up or face a warning etc. Then he doesn’t have to actually have a conversation and there is a paper trail which may useful. I wish your lad well.

He must report it immediately to his manager. Give manager a chance to do something. Then to HR if necessary. But He needs to report it to manager first. He needs to give the manager the opportunity to address it, ie talk to this women and warn her nothing more is to ever be said and how inappropriate this is. Get the 2 instances where she's already said something logged.

Why do so many people on here think that a shy, embarrassed teenage boy should be telling an older woman about his health issues?

That's really going to help him - not!

His manager needs to deal with her

I completely feel for him. I had IBS as a big influence of my 20s and whilst it’s obviously not as bad as IBD I can appreciate how difficult things can be for him.
Definitely involve the manager/HR.
Another thing - if she’s not an absolute funt and is just thinking he’s shirking. If he feels like he can’t confront it could be to pass her an info sheet on Crohns Disease - it’s doesn’t really matter if he’s not sure that’s what it is yet. Something like on https://crohnsandcolitis.org.uk/info-support/information-about-crohns-and-colitis/all-information-about-crohns-and-colitis/understanding-crohns-and-colitis/crohns-disease

When I was my first job, I don't think I'd have the confidence to tell the manager, either. A simple 'manager and I have discussed this, I'm allowed to take breaks and make up time btw' still works

could you imagine the outcry if your ds said something about a female and their toilet habits or menopause brain....

Agree with all of this.

It’s one of those grown up situations where he has to either address the woman head on or learn to ignore her.

I reckon she’ll feel awful if he told her the extent it affects him.

I was so badly affected by IBS that, at one point, I couldn't have worked. The FODMAP diet (recommended by NHS dietician) was a game changer for me. You can get a lanyard saying 'Not all disabilities are visible'. I suggest your son gets one and wears it over his clothes. He doesn't need to explain his problem, but it will show everyone that he has a health problem.

If she's not happy with the way the OPs ds is performing his duties and it's impacting her, then she can have a discrete word with his manager. You don't get to mock people from a place of ignorance.

DH has ulcerative colitis and is really saddened by this post. Definitely needs to be reported to HR. Your poor son. It’s such a cruel disease x

I would feel exactly as you do. In my more insane thoughts I would imagine following the woman home and tripping her up or some other daft idea.

But... he needs to build these skills. He needs to learn how to deal with this and what procedures to follow.

Your role now is to empathise, watch (worrying and stressing) and be there for him to vent/offload to.

I used to think the teenager/young adult bit would be easy - fool that I was. It is agony watching your young adult being unhappy and not being able to fix it for them.

She should be sent for disability awareness training. I hope your son can get past this.

He'd get a bigger slagging over his mammy phoning than he ever would for his toilet time.

Hope he's ok.

If its a place that has customers and this has been mentioned in front of customers - then you could write a letter into the manager

Dear Manager of

I would just like to bring it to your attention that whilst in your place, there was a female worker who was making rather crude jokes about another members toilet habits - this is totally inappropriate regardless of whether in public or private amongst staff. It would be appreciated if you could prevent this from happening in future.

kind regards

Mr disgusted customer

'If she doesn't know he has a health condition she might be annoyed thinking he is shirking and disappearing to the loo to go on his phone etc.'

Well then if she feels annoyed she needs to take it up with her manager. Anyone who hasn't been living under a rock should know about invisible disabilities and so she should not just be assuming that he is shirking.

'you have no idea what the manager will actually say to her and that in itself could piss he's off and make her pick on your son more.'

Well then she will be making more trouble for herself won't she?

'It’s one of those grown up situations where he has to either address the woman head on or learn to ignore her.'

No, the grown up thing to do is to use the appropriate workplace channels to ensure this is dealt with. It is also grown up to refuse to accept unfair and discriminatory treatment in the workplace and deal with it professionally. This is not like a social situation where you can just ignore people you don't like, at work people are forced to interact - so it is up to the employer to put a stop to this.

Hi all,

DS has come home from work and seemed quite cheerful. His manager said he did a great job today and was really pleased with him, which made DS feel good.

The lady apparently said ‘where are you going? To sit on the toilet for 20 minutes?’ To him, as he left an aisle to get tape. The people in the aisle laughed at this.

DS mentioned it to his manager at the end. ‘He doesn’t want anyone to get into trouble, but he’d rather his toilet use wasn’t mentioned aloud as he’s embarrassed about it’ was the gist of it. The manager understood and said he’d speak to the lady.

I think he struggled with today even more as he hasn’t used the toilet in work for longer than a few minutes since starting his new diet a few weeks ago - so he thought he was doing well. Clearly though his colleagues haven’t noticed the change in him yet.

The main thing is that DS coped and didn’t need me after all. He wants to leave it now and I feel proud. He is going to keep a log as recommended here, and is going to make sure he knows his rights at work. He’s seeing it all as a learning curve.

Thank you 😊

Well done him, I think she does need to be told.

OP "The lady apparently said ‘where are you going? To sit on the toilet for 20 minutes?’ To him, as he left an aisle to get tape. The people in the aisle laughed at this."

this isn't someone being foolish. I doubt she'd choose a 40 year old man to bully.

Good for your son speaking up. I hope his manager gets things sorted out.

I have severe bile acid malabsorption and IBS and I spend much longer in the loo than your average person, and need to visit more frequently too. My employer is aware of my conditions and is very good but I do wonder if my colleagues who don't know think I am skiving off! However I would happily explain exactly what I am doing and why if challenged (well, not exactly, but you know what I mean) because I think it's important people come to understand that not all disabilities are obvious and to show more sensitivity in their speech. I'm a lot older than your son though, I can well imagine he might feel awkward speaking up at that age.

Just to add, if he's diagnosed, he can get an access card which will say he needs the loo. I also need it when I take my kids to the theme park as I am able to get call back times for rides rather than wait in the queue.
I've had IBD for over thirty years and only found out about this a few mths ago.

I work in retail. And seeing the work ethic of the young one's... I'd also assume he is skiving off work.
We have those between ages of 18-25 going on phones in the loos, they vape and even smoke skunk in there and sit through hangovers in the cubicles (on the phones of course) , maybe coming out for 30mins of the whole shift whilst getting paid for the days work.

I wouldn't say anything out loud though (apart from voicing a certain amount of outrage behind the back). At some point I'd speak to the management and be set right. Which is fine. I'd be glad there's one young un' who's not deliberately making everyone else do their job. It's a rare and beautiful thing.