Idiot colleague

[Mumof118]

I have an 18 year old son who suffers with IBS or IBD. We aren’t sure yet. He’s under the care of a dietitian and is awaiting more tests following a colonoscopy.

It’s affected his life significantly over the past 3 years. He doesn’t go out with friends. He’s too self conscious to date. He couldn’t go off to uni this year and he struggles working.

He’s recently gone onto the carnivore diet which is helping to control his symptoms better than the medications he’s so far been prescribed.

At work he sometimes needs to use the loo. If he’s gone 15 minutes, he makes the time up at the end. It’s not ideal, but fortunately his manager has been this far understanding.

Last week a colleague in front of customers and colleagues commented on my DS’s toilet habits. She (age around 50) commented on him using the toilet for 20 minutes despite him being ok during that shift.

Today he has called me from work panicking because she did it again today, and a number of colleagues laughed at her ‘joke’.

I’ve told him to ignore her, work hard and perhaps mention it to the manager later. I’m trying to build his resilience. He really doesn’t want to be there now, but he needs to have a job or he’ll just sit in his room on his PS.

But despite being a non confrontational person, I want to go to that shop and see that bloody woman myself. He’s already suffering with depression and anxiety due to this illness and was just getting back on track a bit with this job.

Would I be unreasonable to intervene, or do I keep out of it and let him, as an adult, deal with this and learn how to manage such situations himself. Sigh.

raise not race

she probably thinks he's a slacker and wants to shape him up a bit. he should talk with her in private. she might be mortified. or, she's a cow. the only way is to find out.

He should say something to her or to his boss.
I have had similar comments (we have one toilet at work) and I would advise embarrassing the commentator. I had a birth injury which meant I’d be in the toilet a while.

Because it shows she’s a grown woman who should know better.

Exactly @BravoMyDear It's not being ageist. It's just pointing out this is not an 18yo colleague that maybe might not know better.

It literally isn't her business though, so her behaviour is inappropriate and unprofessional. She needs to raise it with management, not make jokes in front of colleagues and customers

I will never understand how some people can get to the age of 50 and not understand the concept of chronic illness or serious illness. How can people have such little life experience? While it’s true that anyone of any age can get a serious illness or disability, including children and babies, it’s also the case that these things tend to accumulate over time. Anyone aged 50 will surely have met people with chronic illnesses of some description? I really wonder about some people.

Hello @Mumof118

I just wanted to give you some words of hope.

My DS began to suffer with 'stomach issues' when he was 14. Very similar to your DS, he could not have a social life as he needed to spend significant time on the toilet. To cope through exams he just wouldn't eat (to avoid aggravating his stomach) and he lost weight, even though he was already very slim.

He chose a (very good) uni that was commutable, mostly because he didn't want to go into halls or a house-share. Lockdown actually worked out ok for him as all his lectures switched to being online. He made some good friends and I encouraged him to tell them what he was going through.

I started to have similar stomach issues when my DS was 21. As the parent of an adult child, we can't force them to do anything, but I did strongly encourage him to seek a diagnosis and treatment at the same time as me.

My DS had a significant worsening and was admitted to hospital via A&E. Long story short, he has crohn's (IBD). He was initially treated with a high dose of steroids and now has a monthly iv infusion. The difference in his health is wonderful to see; he's 6kg heavier but at 6ft tall he could do with an extra couple of kilos on him. He still has very occasional flare ups, but a single dose of the steroid sorts it out. Also turned out that I have colitis, another IBD.

My DS is now working part-time while doing his Masters. I encouraged him to be open with HR when he applied, then with his colleagues when he got the job. (He will probably always need the loo more than an average person, and always needs to go after eating). His colleagues have so far been fabulous and very understanding.

I would also encourage your DS to share the fact he has a medical condition with his colleagues. I'd also be pushing for an official diagnosis and treatment plan. If your DS has an IBD, this is a disability. The horrible colleague could be guilty of disability discrimination, for which he could raise an official grievance.

All the best to your son. I hope he has a happy & successful future once he's on the correct treatment

She very well may not know and assume he is on the loo scrolling tiktok, vaping etc which many Gen Z do tbf. Unless he actually speaks up either directly or to the manager to pass on that it’s not acceptable/appropriate how are they to know?

Utter tripe.

You spend A LOT of time justifying being a bitch.

Hi all and thank you again.

Just to clarify, I am not going to go to his workplace and I knew I shouldn’t anyway and that I was being unreasonable even suggesting this. (As much as I’d like to go give her a piece of my mind).

But, I also know my son can and will deal with this. He hasn’t raced home upset and he’s text to say he’ll be staying on a couple of extra hours today as they’ve asked him to do overtime, so I’m leaving him to it and I’m feeling quite proud of him, which has replaced my anger.

I’ve been doing some reading up on the issue and I’m just going to help him by advising and supporting from a distance.

Thank you again for all of your kind words and support, the advice and the signposting to more info regarding the workplace obligations to him. It’s been extremely helpful.

1. your son needs to ask for Reasonable Adjustments to be put in place by his employer for toilet breaks, relating to his disability. If necessary get his GP to write a letter that can be provided to evidence his disability. The toilet breaks can be set for certain times and any additional ones within reason according to his need, due to the unpredictability of his disability
2. his employer needs to accept that he has a disability, put in place the RA and also talk to Idiot Colleague in terms of her ceasing immediately from harassing him, as he has a disability in law and her actions breach the Equality Act (2010).

your son is protected from Day 1 so there is no need to worry about him not having worked there for 2 years. Get everything in writing and ensure it is confirmed by them in writing for his protection.

She’s an absolute bastard but unfortunately your son will have to deal with her. I don’t think a mum can turn up at a workplace on behalf of her son but I’d feel the same as you

@goldierocks

💜 Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s such a horrible condition and we are pushing for diagnosis of some sort. It’s just been so slow.

Hugs to you and your son. You must be super proud. A lot of what you said resonates. The weight loss especially, and DS is 6’1” so like your son, it’s very noticeable. He’s also often tired. He’s just miserable for him. But we’ll get there!

Thays horrible and upsetting. My daughter has a bowel condition, and she needs to spend 20 minutes to empty her bowel. I actually think he should put a nice email together and sendnit to his boss. He needs to explain that the colleague is doing it daily and others are joining in laughing.balso how it's making him feel stressed and embarrassed. I'm hope the boss will have a word, and nip it in the bud.

That's basically akin to saying that anyone with a hidden health condition/disability should have to out themselves for the benefit of others. They shouldn't. Some people just need to learn to keep their mouths shut and mind their own bloody business. If she has an issue with the time he's taking, she should escalate to her manager in privately.

Some lovely supportive posts, thank you so much. DS will enjoy reading them later. And some good advice too, regarding speaking to the colleague.

DS made work aware of his condition on the application form and in person at interview. All managers know. But, he has not spoken to individual colleagues as he is still at a stage where this is embarrassing for him.
It is also true though, that he will have to live with this, so I guess he needs to start to speak up a little and understand it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

Thank you.

He should also state to his employer how this person's action makes him feel, as that's part of the protocol for anyone with a protected characteristic under the Equality Act (2010)

"when Mrs Idiot talks openly and jokes with other staff about my need for the toilet, it humiliated me in front of my work colleagues and made me feel ashamed, so I now feel embarrassed whenever I need the toilet".

it shows them the negative impact of her behaviour on his mental health.

It's not tripe - if someone keeps disappearing for long periods of time without saying anything as to why then people are going to assume he's a slacker, especially if it is happening all the time and the other workers are doing his work and feeling resentful, thats probably why they're making a point of saying something.

It's not up to the manager to 'pass on', his condition is no one's business. HTH.

He needs to put some syrup of figs in her coffee🤣.
Seriously though he should tell his manager, its horrible when your out in the great wide world how truly horrible some people are.
I would want to confront her but you cant as your son has to fight his own battles. It is also a shame that this women will have to be told your son has an illness when it is none of her buisness.

Pissed off with him or not, you do NOT EVER approach an issue like this direct with a colleague. For these exact reasons . Jeez, how do people get to this age with not realising these sort of comments and banter land them in a lot of trouble and amount to disability discrimination

if you’re pissed off with a colleagues behaviour you take it to your line manager. You tell them how it’s affecting you. You ask them to resolve. You don’t have to know reasons why , that is irrelevant to you. The ONLY relevant facts to raise is about you. How it impacts you. If the manager is not managing to adjust work to accommodate long loo breaks and it’s impacting others work load that’s a management issue to resolve. Not the employee

why is this so difficult for people to understand

She doesn't need to know about ANY health issues for anyone

She needs to keep her trap shut. If she had any genuine concerns she could have spoken to the manager (who could have told her to mind her own business)

Definitely get your son to speak to the manager and she needs a verbal warning

It's a common stereotype that is laughed about all over the internet.

Your ds is the victim of a sex based "shirker" stereotype unfortunately.

He shouldn't have to tell anyone about his disability, but it would be a good idea to let his manager know about this as hopefully they can have a general staff training about not making personal comments about colleagues and remembering that not all disabilities are visible.

He needs to go through the correct channels really. If I turned up at his work my DS would be furious.