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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD if you found high heels in your husband's car?

374 replies

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 13/10/2023 17:51

If your husband told you he was going to a work related black tie ball with colleagues (happens a few times a year) and the following morning you found a pair of ladies high heels in a bag on the ground in the back of his car how would you react/what would you think?

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 14/10/2023 03:24

I consider going and wearing the fabulous shoes in question or asking one of the others to tell him in front of his wife that I'm sorry I couldn't make it but will catch up with him privately soon.

You sound very resentful given that this was five years ago. Nasty.

user1492757084 · 14/10/2023 03:27

They were in a bag - so owner had taken them off in readiness for travelling home. He either gave her a lift or said he would bring her shoes to work so shedidn't needto carry bag on the bus or something like that. Or maybe a friend thought you would like them because they bought the wrong size.

hellohellothere · 14/10/2023 03:36

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 14/10/2023 01:53

She's either batshit or he has form for cheating.

Yes I thought that maybe he cheated in the past. Even if he seems "lovely" you won't know the full back story.

Mothership4two · 14/10/2023 04:11

I don't think OP was being serious @SparklingLime! It was five years ago but she has just found out the wife contacted her boss to stop them working together

DreamTheMoors · 14/10/2023 04:13

I dated a guy and finally after a few months went to his place. It was very neat & tidy.
In the corner was a pair of women’s heels - I was suspicious and asked him about them.
THEY WERE HIS!!!
He put them on and modeled them for me.
I made a hasty exit - I just couldn’t handle it.

Original poster
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/10/2023 06:38

It was a picture of shoes only. It wasn't even a full picture of her. For all I know it's not even her, it's just someone with boring shoes.

OP posts:
Sayitaintso33 · 14/10/2023 06:50

Any one who has to ask their husband about this needs to have the courage to leave the marriage because the trust has gone.

Original poster
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/10/2023 06:51

SparklingLime · 14/10/2023 03:24

I consider going and wearing the fabulous shoes in question or asking one of the others to tell him in front of his wife that I'm sorry I couldn't make it but will catch up with him privately soon.

You sound very resentful given that this was five years ago. Nasty.

I was obviously joking! I didn't even attend so as not to cause him potential embarrassment in case his wife kicked off..hardly resentful or nasty.

His wife contacted my boss with allegations of an affair on the basis that my shoes in a bag on the floor of his car. There were two witnesses who confirmed the story. Details of the event were also online. He was wearing a tux. There are so many things that confirmed it was all in her head & he was exactly where he said he was etc.

I wasn't even ever alone in the car with him. I'm at least 20 years younger than him and zero interest. One on MN could I be the one in the wrong.

OP posts:
Weedoormatnomore · 14/10/2023 06:57

Straight away I thought a lift was given and shoes left in the car. They both sound nuts him for telling you off for leaving shoes in the car her for phoning up boss etc. Guessing story only been told by boss now as the guy is leaving.

SparklingLime · 14/10/2023 07:26

Mothership4two · 14/10/2023 04:11

I don't think OP was being serious @SparklingLime! It was five years ago but she has just found out the wife contacted her boss to stop them working together

Ah, OK. Sorry, @ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees, I'd missed that you'd just found that out.

I just felt sorry for her being mocked all this time later - sounds like she had some kind of breakdown.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 14/10/2023 07:28

You are unreasonable for not posting a photo of the shoes.

TravelInHope · 14/10/2023 07:40

He is having an affair. Seems pretty obvious to me.

malificent7 · 14/10/2023 07:53

Sayitaintso33 · 14/10/2023 06:50

Any one who has to ask their husband about this needs to have the courage to leave the marriage because the trust has gone.

I don't agree with Sayitaintso. You should be able to ask your anything. It's not even aboit trust...it is a weird thing to have in a car.
Also...never trust ANYONE 100%

Countryliving0180 · 14/10/2023 07:53

Depends on why you didn't go. In my experience those balls are usually attended by the wives/husband's of he employees.

I've never been to one where it's been colleagues only, so for me it would depend on whether you would have been invited if so or not.

Susieb2023 · 14/10/2023 08:15

This thread just feels mean. You have no idea what a trigger your shoes may have been for her. You have no idea whether he has form and she’s dealing with some trauma/PTSD from it all. Your whole thread just feels like some younger woman rolling her eyes at an older woman’s anxieties and worries.

As someone who has been cheated on, my reaction would be utter anxiety, fear and I’d go into fight, flight or freeze, I’d probably react similarly to the wife in this scenario.

Maybe develop some empathy and let this go.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 14/10/2023 08:15

I like how some people don’t read the OPs posts and still are saying he’s having an affair 😂

I think both were harsh on you. It’s not like you left shoes on purpose and surely being in a bag shows it was because they were changed out of for comfort. A lift is the obvious answer for someone who isn’t paranoid.

Passepartoute · 14/10/2023 08:17

TravelInHope · 14/10/2023 07:40

He is having an affair. Seems pretty obvious to me.

Try reading all the OP's posts before you decide what's obvious?

Augustus40 · 14/10/2023 08:21

Quite a few men crossdress on the quiet.

ThreeRingCircus · 14/10/2023 08:26

She sounds absolutely mental OP. The fact they were in a bag and in the back of the car makes it pretty bloody obvious that it was a changing into comfy shoes/giving a lift situation.

He was probably just really embarrassed that everyone at work knows he has a crazy wife.

kokotheguerilla · 14/10/2023 08:37

Susieb2023 · 14/10/2023 08:15

This thread just feels mean. You have no idea what a trigger your shoes may have been for her. You have no idea whether he has form and she’s dealing with some trauma/PTSD from it all. Your whole thread just feels like some younger woman rolling her eyes at an older woman’s anxieties and worries.

As someone who has been cheated on, my reaction would be utter anxiety, fear and I’d go into fight, flight or freeze, I’d probably react similarly to the wife in this scenario.

Maybe develop some empathy and let this go.

Edited

You would have reacted similarly? By calling your husbands colleagues and extracting from them their version of events, then calling your husbands boss and demanding he never allow your husband to work with a particular female colleague again?

If my DP gave a tipsy (sorry OP making an assumption there) female colleague a lift home late at night with other colleagues in the car, I’d just be pleased he hadn’t left her to make her own vulnerable way home in the dark.

MrMucker · 14/10/2023 08:40

Maybe he gave two people a lift, maybe a couple. She was in the back and left the shoes there.
If it was just her she'd get in the front and more likely to have the shoes in bag in the front.

Susieb2023 · 14/10/2023 08:45

@kokotheguerilla I’m saying I’m not sure that my mind may have gone straight to ‘oh how lovely, he’s taking care of another woman’ because I’ve thought that before and been utterly destroyed by my blind faith.

I wouldn’t have gone to these extremes (I don’t believe) but I know I would have been triggered, and that leads to irrational behaviour in women who have been traumatised by this and not healed.

It’s frustrating that this woman (who we know nothing about and have no background story for) is being labelled as crazy and laughed at.

I have no time for a lack of empathy.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2023 08:52

Sayitaintso33 · 14/10/2023 06:50

Any one who has to ask their husband about this needs to have the courage to leave the marriage because the trust has gone.

So if you found something like this in your partners’ car, you wouldn’t feel the need to ask any questions at all ? By your logic every marriage in the world is in trouble then.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2023 09:00

kokotheguerilla · 14/10/2023 08:37

You would have reacted similarly? By calling your husbands colleagues and extracting from them their version of events, then calling your husbands boss and demanding he never allow your husband to work with a particular female colleague again?

If my DP gave a tipsy (sorry OP making an assumption there) female colleague a lift home late at night with other colleagues in the car, I’d just be pleased he hadn’t left her to make her own vulnerable way home in the dark.

Show quote history

If my DP gave a tipsy (sorry OP making an assumption there) female colleague a lift home late at night with other colleagues in the car, I’d just be pleased he hadn’t left her to make her own vulnerable way home in the dark.

Has you DP got form for cheating ? I suspect not, because if he had you wouldn’t be pleased at all. At the very least you’d want to know who was the last to be dropped off. Maybe the wife’s actions were extreme, but the people calling her batshit have no idea of the circumstances. Sounds to me as though she’s been badly let down by infidelity. And more than once.

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 09:11

Unless they have severe OCD, most people don't place their shoes neatly in a bag before they start having sex.

More likely gave his female colleague a lift home and she swapped to flat shoes in the car

(Edit: typed this before seeing OP's updates)