Page 10 | WWYD if you found high heels in your husband's car?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 2023-10-13T16:51:24+00:00

If your husband told you he was going to a work related black tie ball with colleagues (happens a few times a year) and the following morning you found a pair of ladies high heels in a bag on the ground in the back of his car how would you react/what would you think?

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 09:18

Susieb2023 · 14/10/2023 08:15

This thread just feels mean. You have no idea what a trigger your shoes may have been for her. You have no idea whether he has form and she’s dealing with some trauma/PTSD from it all. Your whole thread just feels like some younger woman rolling her eyes at an older woman’s anxieties and worries.

As someone who has been cheated on, my reaction would be utter anxiety, fear and I’d go into fight, flight or freeze, I’d probably react similarly to the wife in this scenario.

Maybe develop some empathy and let this go.

Edited

I promise I'm not trying to be mean, but surely that's to the point of bullying (a younger woman at that)?

It's OK to hash your trauma and suspicions out with your husband, but you can't just randomly go about contacting the bosses of and trying to sabotage the career of any woman who comes in contact with your husband. Again, that's insecurity driven bullying!

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 14/10/2023 09:20

Lol. I think often it spells paranoid wife or a husband with history.
I once mistyped a new friends number into my phone. We were meeting up at a Zoo.
My messages. "Really looking forward to our meet up" " Nearly there". "Waiting by the entrance" "Where are you/what you wearing?" .
May well have been the end of someone's marriage judging by the call I had. I did explain that I had clearly just got the wrong number but well.

Susieb2023 · 14/10/2023 09:31

@blanketnugget it was five years ago and involved the wife calling two colleagues to check the story (fair response if she’d known them a long time), and calling the boss to request they don’t work together (arguable unfair but not unknown when dealing with previous cheating). I cannot see this as ‘bullying’ her directly. Her friends at the retirement do taking secret photos five years later of the wife’s shoes and laughing about her seems bullying. But each to their own, I’m not going to call a woman crazy, laugh at her or describe her as batshit as some posters have done here when I do not know her story. Men love this kind of thing.

BluebellsForest · 14/10/2023 09:39

Susieb2023 · 14/10/2023 08:15

This thread just feels mean. You have no idea what a trigger your shoes may have been for her. You have no idea whether he has form and she’s dealing with some trauma/PTSD from it all. Your whole thread just feels like some younger woman rolling her eyes at an older woman’s anxieties and worries.

As someone who has been cheated on, my reaction would be utter anxiety, fear and I’d go into fight, flight or freeze, I’d probably react similarly to the wife in this scenario.

Maybe develop some empathy and let this go.

Edited

Agree.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2023 09:43

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 09:18

I promise I'm not trying to be mean, but surely that's to the point of bullying (a younger woman at that)?

It's OK to hash your trauma and suspicions out with your husband, but you can't just randomly go about contacting the bosses of and trying to sabotage the career of any woman who comes in contact with your husband. Again, that's insecurity driven bullying!

Show quote history

Depends on how many times he’s cheated and whether he has form for doing it with work colleagues.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2023 09:46

TravelInHope · 14/10/2023 07:40

He is having an affair. Seems pretty obvious to me.

It won’t be so obvious when you catch up with the latest OP posts.

GCSister · 14/10/2023 09:48

So if you found something like this in your partners’ car, you wouldn’t feel the need to ask any questions at all ? By your logic every marriage in the world is in trouble then.

Me and my husband communicate. If he'd given people a lift home I would have already known about it and therefore the shoes in a bag would make complete sense and questioning wouldn't be required.

GCSister · 14/10/2023 09:49

TravelInHope · 14/10/2023 07:40

He is having an affair. Seems pretty obvious to me.

Except it's not that obvious 🤷🏼‍♀️

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 09:51

Susieb2023 · 14/10/2023 09:31

@blanketnugget it was five years ago and involved the wife calling two colleagues to check the story (fair response if she’d known them a long time), and calling the boss to request they don’t work together (arguable unfair but not unknown when dealing with previous cheating). I cannot see this as ‘bullying’ her directly. Her friends at the retirement do taking secret photos five years later of the wife’s shoes and laughing about her seems bullying. But each to their own, I’m not going to call a woman crazy, laugh at her or describe her as batshit as some posters have done here when I do not know her story. Men love this kind of thing.

Edited

calling the boss to request they don’t work together (arguable unfair but not unknown when dealing with previous cheating)

I guess we just have really different views of what boundaries are appropriate and what aren't.

The previous cheating is between her and her husband. This is also my response to @Rosscameasdoody. You can't just take it out on random younger women.

Imo, you aren't a mother calling the school teacher to request your child doesn't sit with another child.

What you're doing here could slander and professionally jeopardise another woman, based on pure unfounded jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness. As you've said yourself, it's very much an irrational emotional trigger rather than logical certainty.

You shouldn't fuck with another woman's career or perceived professionalism – just because you dislike your own life, and because the poor woman had the bad luck of happening to breathe in the same air as your husband.

Go to therapy or get a divorce or have a family meeting or something instead. Don't try to drag unrelated women down in their careers for no reason other than spite and possessiveness.

2Rebecca · 14/10/2023 09:53

I rarely wear heels and if I do they are carried in a bag to the event and put on at the last minute so a pair of shoes in a bag wouldn't bother me. It's just like leaving an umbrella or pair of gloves.
I think you did the right thing not going to the retirement do though.

MargotBamborough · 14/10/2023 10:01

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 09:51

calling the boss to request they don’t work together (arguable unfair but not unknown when dealing with previous cheating)

I guess we just have really different views of what boundaries are appropriate and what aren't.

The previous cheating is between her and her husband. This is also my response to @Rosscameasdoody. You can't just take it out on random younger women.

Imo, you aren't a mother calling the school teacher to request your child doesn't sit with another child.

What you're doing here could slander and professionally jeopardise another woman, based on pure unfounded jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness. As you've said yourself, it's very much an irrational emotional trigger rather than logical certainty.

You shouldn't fuck with another woman's career or perceived professionalism – just because you dislike your own life, and because the poor woman had the bad luck of happening to breathe in the same air as your husband.

Go to therapy or get a divorce or have a family meeting or something instead. Don't try to drag unrelated women down in their careers for no reason other than spite and possessiveness.

Edited

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

I would be fuming if a woman I didn't even know called my boss to complain about me and meddle in my career just because I accepted a lift home from her husband. The woman is a nutter.

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 10:02

calling the boss to request they don’t work together (arguable unfair but not unknown when dealing with previous cheating)

Also just want to say this reminds me of US Vice President Pence's / Billy Graham's rule. Women in their offices aren't allowed to be alone with married men, for the poor men's safety. So women are effectively excluded from many roles and meetings.

I know this is just one man, but it still strikes me as really infantilising / exonerating your husband (like you're his mummy calling in to his school) and sabotaging random innocent woman.

If your own husband can't keep it in his pants, I genuinely don't see why that should affect an innocent woman's career, workplace opportunities (eg she's banned from working on whatever he's directly in charge of) and even reputation.

@Rosscameasdoody @Susieb2023

Lemonyfuckit · 14/10/2023 10:10

Mycatshandbag · 13/10/2023 17:53

That he dropped off a female colleague who swapped into comfie shoes and left her heels in the car by mistake.

Honestly that would be my first thought too.

ThreeRingCircus · 14/10/2023 10:12

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 09:51

calling the boss to request they don’t work together (arguable unfair but not unknown when dealing with previous cheating)

I guess we just have really different views of what boundaries are appropriate and what aren't.

The previous cheating is between her and her husband. This is also my response to @Rosscameasdoody. You can't just take it out on random younger women.

Imo, you aren't a mother calling the school teacher to request your child doesn't sit with another child.

What you're doing here could slander and professionally jeopardise another woman, based on pure unfounded jealousy, insecurity and possessiveness. As you've said yourself, it's very much an irrational emotional trigger rather than logical certainty.

You shouldn't fuck with another woman's career or perceived professionalism – just because you dislike your own life, and because the poor woman had the bad luck of happening to breathe in the same air as your husband.

Go to therapy or get a divorce or have a family meeting or something instead. Don't try to drag unrelated women down in their careers for no reason other than spite and possessiveness.

Edited

Show quote history

Absolutely this. The wife's behaviour is batshit. I don't care about her insecurities when she's potentially sabotaging the career of a totally innocent women that has done absolutely nothing wrong.

That sort of behaviour is not normal. It's irrational and damaging and it needs calling out.

Susieb2023 · 14/10/2023 11:12

@blanketnugget The extrapolation of the idea that this could potentially have ruined her career in this case is hyperbole, she had done nothing wrong, that was quickly established. It was also quickly sorted and the wife was quickly demonised and put across as unhinged to the point it became a joke at the retirement do.

I have not condoned the wife’s behaviour. My argument is that ‘it was arguably unfair but not uncommon’ in the light of triggers, trauma and the PTSD response.

My point is that this thread has been deliberately started to rehash an event from FIVE YEARS AGO and paint an older woman as unhinged, batshit, crazy when we know nothing about her story.

There are posters on here laughing at her and throwing down their judgements but the only winners in these sorts of situations are cheating men, who love the crazy, bat shit wife narrative. We’re both trying to support women here, just from two different perspectives.

I really am out of this thread because we won’t see eye to eye and I need to crack on and enjoy my weekend. Happy weekend.

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 11:29

@Susieb2023 if today I called in to your workplace (or your family member's workplace) with a fictitious reputation-ruining complaint impossible to either disprove or verify totally, and a request that you not be allowed to work with certain people, I assume you wouldn't mind at all!

Nanaof1 · 14/10/2023 12:21

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 13/10/2023 22:18

@Nanaof1 😂🤣🤣🤣No, she's wearing normal standard shoes. Mine were a very dressy pair of high heels - everyone has a pair of really lovely heels that make their legs look great- that type- my special occassion/dressy shoes.

By pissed I mean drunk. I'm Irish 😂

@Debini I had kind of forgotten about it but it's his retirement party tonight! Not even sure I was on MN 5 years ago.

Thank you to a PP and yourself for explaining it all to me.

I dated myself by thinking "pissed" meant angry. LOL! 😳

As for the shoes...no heels here but I do have a pair of Skecher's Go Walks that make my feet look smaller. Does that count? 😆😉

teraculum29 · 14/10/2023 12:42

Mycatshandbag · 13/10/2023 17:53

That he dropped off a female colleague who swapped into comfie shoes and left her heels in the car by mistake.

I would have thought exactly the same. but maybe I am naive...

Blueink · 14/10/2023 13:17

blanketnugget · 14/10/2023 11:29

@Susieb2023 if today I called in to your workplace (or your family member's workplace) with a fictitious reputation-ruining complaint impossible to either disprove or verify totally, and a request that you not be allowed to work with certain people, I assume you wouldn't mind at all!

Blanket, I agree with you…

It undermined and singled out OP as a woman in a male dominated workplace.

To add, OP was affected in her career as the professional relationship with the colleague was damaged by this and “never recovered” in 5 years! That is quite significant IMO.

I also never picked up the age of the wife, I was picturing her being a contemporary of OP.

I don’t agree though with having photographed the wife in her shoes. Presumably it was to cheer up OP who was sitting at home and find a way to include in a work event but a message would’ve been ok. No right to photograph someone without their consent.

Darkmode2 · 14/10/2023 17:56

Any sane person would assume he'd given a female colleague a lift home and she'd left her shoes by mistake

The wife was completely bonkers involving his boss in all that

Peardrops101 · 14/10/2023 18:05

The sensible side of me would ask straight out “whose are these shoes in the back of your car?” He might not even know they were there if he gave someone a lift. But the childish side of me says to keep them or hide them and see what happens 😂

PUGMEISTER21 · 14/10/2023 18:09

Knowing how often women remove their high heels at these kind of do's i would assume someone has put them in a bag in his car. I doubt if she was in his car with her legs round her ears she would bother to place them carefully in a bag first.

ToStayOrNotToStay · 14/10/2023 18:11

So I had this, not exactly the same scenario but it turned out he was on Grindr and was posing as a no strings attached crossed dresser and he called himself Cute Toes Sarah! 😬 🤦🏼‍♀️ 🙈

MyMiniMetro · 14/10/2023 18:12

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 13/10/2023 19:33

They were my shoes and yes, changed into flats after the event.

A colleague had given me and 2 others a lift home. The following day he plonked them down on my desk and crossly told me to never leave my shoes in his car again. I completely forgot about them until then. Seemed really annoyed and working relationship never recovered.

Turns our his wife went mental rang the two other colleagues to check his story and called my boss at the time to say she didn't want me to work with him anymore.

Obviously I think she was crazy and was over reacting but a minority of others said they wouldn't blame her and of course she would think they worst and I should have called her to apologise.

I can have some sympathy with the wife's concerns up to the point where she calls the boss to say her husband can't work with you; that's mad. TBF I wonder if husband mentioned giving you a lift. If I know my husband is giving people lifts, I'm not going to raise an eyebrow at finding a bag with shoes. If I didn't know he had given someone a lift I might have questions but I wouldn't jump to 'affairs' unless their was history. (which in our case there isn't.)

JustAnotherManicMomday · 14/10/2023 18:13

I'd casually ask about his night and if he had to give anyone a lift home that may of had too much to drink to drive themselves. If he said no I would then ask him to explain who the heels belong to in the back as I know they are not mine.