To feel upset about my husband’s reaction to Israel/Palestine

[Tiredboymum22]

I’m a British Ashkenazi jew with family in Israel. I feel broken. Firstly, I don’t support the Netanyahu government or the ever expanding settlements in the West Bank. But obviously I support Israel’s right to exist. I feel devastated for innocent civilians on both sides.

DH is very left wing/was pro Corbyn. I always knew he supported Palestine but, so far, he has said that the BBC are right NOT to call Hamas terrorists. Asked what Israel did to trigger the attacks on Saturday. Then questioned whether the images were staged/Israeli propaganda. Also commented on a Palestinian having a “jewish nose”. Hasn’t asked about my family but has told me I’m up Israel’s arse. My mum’s friend also compared Hamas to Nelson Mandela and told her she’s shocked at her support for Israel (this was the day after the attacks).

AIBU to feel completely betrayed, depressed and alone? I feel guilty for feeling this way as I genuinely sympathise with the Palestinians and obviously I’m safe in my bed whilst many have nowhere to go, have lost loved ones, etc.

Sorry to start another thread. Just needed to vent.

I can understand why you'd feel upset but I don't understand how you got so far along the line with someone who holds such wildly different views.
Politics and religions are fundamental make or breaks.

You can feel sad but he is also entitled to his views. I don't know how you married him.

YANBU.

Different political opinion is one thing, but the Jewish nose thing and the Nelson Mandela comments and not calling Hama's terrorists is anti-Semitism that you absolutely should be having to put up with in your own personal relationship.

This absolutely should be a subject that he should grace you with the respect of sensitivity about.

Is your husband a Jew?

My first response when reading your post is why are you married to him? I, personally, couldn’t be under the same roof as someone that held such opposing views to my own especially when it’s very personal to you,

I‘m also surprised that you’ve got so far in a marriage without realising what your husbands opinions are. It sounds incredibly difficult for you. Like being black and suddenly realising you’re married to an ‘All Lives Matter’ idiot. Sort of.

I can’t deal with my left wing friends at the moment - and I’m a leftie! I just don’t want to hear their defence of Hamas and hatred of Israel.

Ridiculous thing to say.

YANBU OP, so sorry you are going through this.

This is what the BBC said about why they don’t use the word “terrorists”.

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-67083432

I was unsure which to choose because of course its not unreasonable to feel upset about the situation however I think you are letting that kinda cloud your reaction to your DH. It doesn't sound like his view is a personal attack on you... and you know yourself it IS difficult. You yourself have sympathy for Palestine so why are you so offended by it in your husband? Obviously the horrific thing is that innocent people both Israeli and Palestinian are dying because of the actions of of the Israeli government and also hammas. I do agree its not quite right to call hammas terrorists (altho I do think hammas are horrific) because this is essentially a war... they ARE under attack. It doesn't quite fit the bill of terrorism altho it does pf war crimes but you can also say that of the Israeli government.
I do feel for you because it's so hard. I have a bunch of very pro Palestine friends but I also have friends living in Israel, one of whom is very pro Israel. And they've all been at each others throats. The pro Palestine people not aware how painful it is for someone to hear that whose essentially living in a war zone.. it's hard to hear 'think about the palestinians' when you are living in a nightmare under attack. But the thing is you do know what's happening in Palestine is awful. Its not as clear cut as 'poor Israel under attack by terrirists' but nor is it as simple as 'poor hammas'
Your husband has been a bit insensitive to how this is effecting you personally but also I do think you've been slightly oversensitive to his sympathy to Palestinians. Because I'm sure neither of u want innocent people to die.
I think maybe just try and have a conversation without getting defensive or completely trashing each others views and just say that you find this personally emotionally difficult and that it's not something you should argue about right now.
Hopefully your husband isn't a complete dick and will have more sympathy and understanding for your position if its not coming across like you trying to convince him to change his views.. rather just you trying to express the reasons you find it painful. I can see it might be easy to get locked in a fierce battle over this but there are ways in which your views are both valid and actually similar. The problem is you are both feeling under attack by each other and reacting badly

Yanbu

The stereotype of ‘Jewish noses’ came from people already living in Palestine at the time of WW2 (it was an Arab stereotype) and it went far, far beyond the Nazis. This is well documented so I won’t go into details. But it was partly what the Allies used to dehumanise Palestine / Palestinians so that Israel could be formed for the mainly white Jews from Europe. (The Brits didn’t want to give up Uganda as it was an important seaport to India).

At the time of Israel’s formation many Syrian and Palestinian Jews fled to East Africa and India (and SE Asia) out of fear because of racism where they hid their identities, converted to Islam, or joined Hindu ‘castes’ (through women being married to Hindu men). It’s why Sri Lanka and Burma had such a high Jewish population until relatively recently.

So it depends what context the comment was made. If he was explaining the Arab nose stereotype to you then fair enough. If he was being racist you definitely need to break up with him but I agree with others - how on earth have you been married so long without realising he’s racist?

It's not unreasonable. A lot of people, me included, aren't supportive of Israel's behaviour in this conflict but I get that there are different perspectives and a lot of nuance most of us will never be able to fully understand who aren't there.

The issue here isn't who's views are right or wrong it's about how strong the difference is. Your husband seems quite extreme, even aggressive in his views. the jew-nose comment is just flat out disgusting. Your family are still your family, they're not individually responsible for this so his lack of empathy is worrying.

Same as others, I'm not sure how you got this far without this being a problem before.

I had to deal with this at a point with my DH. He had very similar attitude/beliefs to your DH. It drive me mad and I found it amazing how he could be callous in the name of supporting the "right" side.

Mine grew out of it and is normal now, thank fudge. YANBU. I hope you can move forward and I know how infuriating it is.

he has said that the BBC are right NOT to call Hamas terrorists.

On this point specifically, rightly or wrongly, the BBC don't use that word themselves (they do when quoting others). It's not a Hamas-specific policy.

As an example, here's bbc articles the Bataclan attack. They use the words "gunmen" "attackers" "bombers" "jihadists" "militants" and "extremists" but don't call them "terrorists"
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-54924051

What a deeply insensitive and utterly stupid response

He's gone beyond very insensitive into conspiracy territory with the questions about "staging"

How is it not about her too.
She has family in Israel. I'm pretty sure you'd be upset and worried if it were your family caught up in something like this.
I'm amazed this marriage has lasted.

You need to jog off with this stupid comment or are you looking to start a bunfight?

Your antisemitism is showing, not an appropriate response to a Jewish poster right now.

He doesn't care about your family, doesn't care that you are worried about them and on top of that, makes vile comments stereotyping Jewish people. People can be in happy relationships but have different political views, but this is more than that, it's disrespect to you and your family.

Why did he marry a Jewish woman when he's an antisemite?

Can you not just agree that it's awful all round, respect that each others views don't exactly align and leave it to that? If you are Jewish and he has always supported Palestine then there must be a lot of other things that make this a really good relationship to have overcome those differences. He needs to stop being so disrespectful though in the way he speaks to you no matter what his views are - or is this just the tip of the iceberg and it's making you realise actually he's a bit of an all round arse hole?

It's awful that over 20% of people who responded to this are terrorist supporters. Hamas are a terrorist group that want an Islamic state and eradication of the Jews. You should divorce your husband considering he has zero compassion for those who were murdered and raped by Hamas.

But hasn't he always held these views? So surely its no surprise?

Hes being particularly insensitive atm by talking about how he feels but he is definitely entitled to his opinions as are you

I'm sorry you're in this situation on all fronts- at home and in the wider world.
I think it's mean of your husband to try the "fake news" line when there's infinite sources of evidence from The festival attacks.
However the govt response to purposely retaliate against thousands innocent civilians is equally abhorrent- I'm gobsmacked that Sunak and Biden are labelling this as self defence, and amazed any govt would do this to create targets out of its own citizens all round the world. I don't fully understand the history but it seems that Hamas are taking advantage of a very desperate situation that Israel has created- I think they are both hugely wrong in their actions and the only innocents are those caught in the crossfire.
I hope you and your husband could at least agree on that and feel at least some relief that we are lucky to live in peace here where a marriage can be built and can last between two contrasting viewpoints

I don’t see why you can’t hold different views about it? You are both adults with your own histories and thinking.