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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

574 replies

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 10:48

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

OP posts:
Duckingella · 13/10/2023 11:44

If your UK based then you'd have a job convincing a NHS doctor to give the go ahead for a 27 year old with one child to have said vasectomy.

mikulkin · 13/10/2023 11:44

Sorry, but you are missing point here which people make. Yes, you jointly agreed not to have more children and for him to have vasectomy but 1) you underestimate how easy it is for someone to go through the surgery and the one changing you forever. Yes, he agreed, but does it cross your mind, that he might have a fear of the whole change at 27 not because he plans for more children, but because it is surgery and the one changing your life forever. 2) Just because you are very mentally strong doesn't mean he should be and should be the one going through surgery. If it is a joint decision not to have kids no matter how hard it is, get your tubes tied, you don't want to have more children anyway, why do you want to leave him? 3) even though nobody goes to marriage planning for divorce, given your both ages, just put yourself in his shoes for a second - imagine, him thinking, what if she falls out of love with me, denies me seeing my child and I can never have another one 4) you want to throw away your relationship (assuming it is good) at the off chance that he might be keeping his options open

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/10/2023 11:45

@Messymaker

there can be some judgement on here against women who purposefully and deliberately decide to prioritise their own life physical and/or mental health needs and just stick with having the one child

LaurieStrode · 13/10/2023 11:45

writteninthewater · 13/10/2023 11:34

You could fall out of love with him. Have an affair. You could die. Sorry to be blunt but it's completely fair enough that he doesn't want a vasectomy as he doesn't know what the future will bring, it doesn't mean he's not committed to you.

But even if their relationship doesn't last, he already is a father. He has a child!

KimberleyClark · 13/10/2023 11:45

LemonLight · 13/10/2023 11:40

If he is unsure whether or not he wants more kids in future, would he still want to marry you if you got your tubes tied? Knowing that he could never have kids with you? (Hypothetical qu I'm not suggesting you do it if you don't want to)

He already has a child with OP.

Seas164 · 13/10/2023 11:46

If my partner was presenting me with the choice that I be sterlised at 27 or they'd call off the marriage it would do nothing but convince me that getting married to that person would be a very bad idea indeed.

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:46

But even if their relationship doesn't last, he already is a father. He has a child!

Should he for any reason end up in a new relationship, he is well within his rights to want to father more children. This is such an immature response.

ActDottie · 13/10/2023 11:47

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:04

@ShellySarah and how many women suffer long term physical repercussions because of pregnancy and birth. Come off it.

It’s not a competition…

silverbubbles · 13/10/2023 11:47

What would happen if you passed away next year and he found someone else to be happy with and together they wanted a child.......

Pugdays · 13/10/2023 11:47

I'd be horrified if that was my son ,being forced in to a vasectomy.id definitely be advising him to not have one ..he can use condoms and you can have a coil fitted , easily be just as good

crumblylancs · 13/10/2023 11:48

Fucking hell, if you don't want kids get your tubes tied- you shouldn't be giving ultimatums for someone else to have medical procedures.

It's absolutely fine for him to think I'm the here and now "I don't want anymore kids" but still understand that life can change in the blink of an eye and that might not always be his stance if you split up for any reason.

Defo YABU

Tlolljs · 13/10/2023 11:48

Being sterilised isn’t that intrusive. Least ways mine wasn’t. Day surgery two stitches and just take it easy for a few days. Can’t remember how old I was now under 30 though.
I knew I was done having children so I made the decision for me nobody else just me. Didn’t ask my then dh to have a vasectomy, didn’t occur to me it was all my choice nothing to with him.

XMissPlacedX · 13/10/2023 11:48

Op I don't know why you bothered to post on here. It's basically unanimous that your being unreasonable but you obviously won't accept that.

At 27 a lot can happen in the future. As pp's have said if something happened to you a few years down the line and he met someone else who didn't already have children then he might change his mind and want more.

When I met my dp he didn't want anymore kids, after 2 years he changed his mind and asked if we could have one together (which we did).

It's quite controlling to give an ultimatum like that, whether you admit it or not. You can't force someone to have an operation they don't want. That isn't a good set up for marriage.

I would not want to marry a man that told me I had to have an operation in order to marry him.

BerriesNutsConkers · 13/10/2023 11:48

My dh had a vasectomy after I had two terrible pregnancies and we were clear that at 40 we didn't want any more children.
At 27 I can understand why your dp isn't sure!
If you want to be sure of no future pregnancies because of your health I think you need to be the one to take permanent action.
Only you know if you feel this is a deal breaker to marriage. I wouldn't necessarily see his doubts about vasectomy as doubts about his commitment to you. He is being sensible to realise at 27 that life can take unexpected turns. My life at 40 was nothing I could have anticipated at the age of 27.

LadybirdLover · 13/10/2023 11:48

HE ISN’T CHANGING HIS MIND!

He just said he wasn’t sure about making such a permanent change to his body so young.

Just like you haven’t changed your mind even though you don’t want to get sterilised.

LaurieStrode · 13/10/2023 11:48

Ohyournotwearingadress · 13/10/2023 11:43

Keeping his options opens imo means, should I not be with you in the future I can have a child with someone else.

Why would he need to? He already has a child.

In 2023 on a dying overheated, overpopulated planet, no one should be producing more than one offspring.

What we "want" and what is the mature, responsible choice, may be two different things. All of our wants need not be gratified.

Ribena20 · 13/10/2023 11:49

I can't see that you have answered - why don't YOU get sterilised. I don't think he would be able to get a vasectomy on the NHS at 27 anyways, would he? He's not necessarily keeping his options open for another woman, but circumstances DO change. What if you leave him and he meets someone else? What if you die? Sorry if that's blunt but you're being very unreasonable.

Mamatolittleboy · 13/10/2023 11:50

@Pugdays Same here. I’d definitely be telling my son not to marry her.

LaurieStrode · 13/10/2023 11:50

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:46

But even if their relationship doesn't last, he already is a father. He has a child!

Should he for any reason end up in a new relationship, he is well within his rights to want to father more children. This is such an immature response.

Nonsense.

One litter per person, and the world would be much better off.

CleverLilViper · 13/10/2023 11:50

You're getting a hard time here, OP.

Honestly-with these sorts of topics, I would avoid posting in AIBU as a lot of people just come out for a bunfight.

It's not a matter of if you're being reasonable or unreasonable. It's a matter of if you're compatible enough with your DP to commit to spending a future together.

It doesn't sound like you are, not if you're going to be fearing that in a few years down the line, he's going to change his mind and decide that he does, in fact, want more children and leaves you to pursue that with another woman.

Yes, divorce is a thing (but get real all PP's saying this so casually) it's fucking complicated and if people can avoid that by doing everything they can to ensure they're right for each other and want the same things before getting married-they'd have a better chance.

No one wants to go into a marriage, thinking you're fundamentally incompatible with each other, because one is keeping his options open when the other has closed the door, and fearing that a divorce will happen in the future.

Yes, no one knows what the future will hold-people can and do change their minds, situations change, and for all the will in the world that can't always be avoided-but if you can avoid, you do.

I honestly just see the OP as a woman who is desperately seeking confirmation that they're both right for each other and want the same things and doesn't want to go into something knowing a divorce may be on the cards in the future.

That's not unreasonable. It's unreasonable to want to force/pressure someone into getting a medical procedure done-but not unreasonable to want certainty or as much as you can have-that you're on the same page.

Mamatolittleboy · 13/10/2023 11:50

@LaurieStrode Assuming you only have one child?

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 11:51

Surely the onus is on him here to communicate his feelings and fears with OP. I think he is very much in the wrong for letting OP believe they are on the same page when they, in fact, are not.

I also don't think OP is unreasonable to not want to marry someone who has essentially lied to her about something very important to her.

However, he may have felt pressured to agree to no more kids and for him to get the snip. If he does then that's not okay. It should be a decision reached by both of them together but ultimately him. His wrong doing here was failing to tell OP or open the conversation.

You cannot say "if you don't get the snip, then the wedding is off" but you can have an open and honest discussion about it all, and decide together if getting married is the right idea.

SoupDragon · 13/10/2023 11:51

...pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again

Then you are the one who should be sterilised. (And if it were the man who absolutely didn't want children I would say he should be the one to get sterilised)

Why must I make all the bloody sacrifices and major changes for our family unit? Hasn't my body been through enough.

This is for the good of your health.

You only get to make decisions for your own body, no one else's. You keep saying marriage is permanent but you are already thinking of throwing the relationship away over this disagreement. The reality is that early death and divorce happen. No one thinks it will be them when they start out but there are no guarantees.

SecondUsername4me · 13/10/2023 11:51

My dh and I have been together 18 years. We have two kids and don't want any more. He refuses to get a vasectomy because he doesn't want one. As is his right.

It doesn't mean he isn't committed to this family, or making plans to leave, or even that he wants more dc (he doesnt). He just doesn't want the vasectomy.

I have the same choice- to get my tubes tied or not. I'm equally at liberty to choose, as is my husband. I also don't want more dc or am planning to leave and have more dc.

ShellySarah · 13/10/2023 11:52

ActDottie · 13/10/2023 11:47

It’s not a competition…

Show quote history

Quite. I knew someone would say something that daft.

So @Messymaker what do you suggest? Women go through pregnancy and birth because if a couple want a child that is what has to happen. Or are you suggesting the man can decide to be pregnant to make it equal?

Women have to go through pregnancy and birth it's biology.

But the Op still has no right saying he should be sterilised.

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