To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

He isn't unreasonable to not want a vasectomy.

He clearly doesn't agree on no more kids. He may agree with no more kids ever with you but isn't ready to say no more kids ever. That's not unreasonable.

You can end a relationship for any reason that you want but if you pressure a clearly reluctant person into getting a procedure that they don't want then yabu and it will be used against you forever. He has to want to do it and he's not ready and may never be.

If he wants to save the relationship then he needs to look into his feelings about vasectomy and decide whether or not he is willing to get it done. Neither choice is wrong (his body his choice) but pretending that he doesn't have to decide and marrying you anyway is not fair on you either.

Is he doing anything to help him decide one way or another? Eg talking to men who have had it done or reversed

If you died unexpectedly, in say 5 years and your partner met someone else, he’d still be young enough to have more children.

You need to get your tubes tied.

Well half of all marriage end in divorce don't they, so at 27 yes consciously or not he wants to keep his options open. If that is a dealbreaker for you then perhaps you should call it off now. At the end of of the day pregnancy is dangerous for you so in your shoes I would be getting your tubes tied either way.

If he is unsure whether or not he wants more kids in future, would he still want to marry you if you got your tubes tied? Knowing that he could never have kids with you? (Hypothetical qu I'm not suggesting you do it if you don't want to)

My DH promised to have the snip after two traumatic births as more children weren't a good idea. But that promise came after the fear of nearly losing our child etc. After speaking to people and researching it, he decided he didn't want to have one. I was upset at first because I felt like I'd been through so much, it was the least he could do. But I had to respect his decision as it was his body. He has never wanted more children, and 14 yrs later we're still married and should we split up, he doesn't want more. I do totally understand how you feel though. I hope you find a way to make peace with it.

OP, I understand going through a bad pregnancy is very scary but let's assume you don't get married to your current partner because of this issue and move on. At 27 do you think you will never have sex with another guy till he has a procedure?

Also, just because he doesn't want the procedure done doesn't mean that he is going back on ' I dont want to have any children'. He didn't say that he doesnt want the ability to not have children. It is an academic point but important.

I think, even if your DP did decide to have a vasectomy, you would find it very difficult to get any doctor to agree to perform the operation on someone as young as 27.

I looked into it and it's rarely done on the NHS unless there's a very good medical reason. I'd have no chance being accepted because I have no biological children. My DH is on the waiting list for a vasectomy which is currently 16 months. We looked at going private and it was £2500. Female sterilisation was more expensive and there are more risks.

I thought the NHS was very reluctant carry out vasectomies for anyone under 30 precisely because many subsequently regret it. So while I agree its completely unreasonable to effectively blackmail him into having one, the reality is the NHS probably won't do it anyway. So where does that leave you OP?

As for age - well, while I had already met my husband at 27, our lives were very different at 37, and by 47 he'd died. So you might be certain now about the future, but life has a habit of not panning out the way you expect

I think you are all missing the point here. We agreed we don't want children. But as pp just mentioned he clearly is "keeping his options open" which makes me feel he is being untruthful with me and himself.

I don't think that's necessarily true. Me and DH are in a similar position. We had DD when I was 27 and he was 23 (she's 5 now). I had a terrible pregnancy and we just don't want anymore children anyway. We joke about him having a vasectomy and he says "always tomorrow". I would never try to pressure him into it.

Even if having my tubes tied wasn't so invasive I don't think I could do it so I understand. Even though I'd be horrified if I got pregnant again the thought of deliberately making myself infertile during my fertile years freaks me out.

I think fertility can often be tied into feelings of masculinity/felinity too and there's also the natural biological desire to be fertile. Not everyone is aware of this or able to express it properly. It doesn't mean he's lying to you.

Your title should have read "AIBU to call the wedding off because we do not share the same long term views".

You definitely do not want any more children.
He definitely doesn't want to get a vasectomy.

You are not compatible. It's upsetting for you because you understood that him agreeing on not having another child meant that he would have a vasectomy.

From his perspective what if you leave him? I was sterilised and unbeknown to me my exDH was having an affair. I also thought we were on the same page and I just feel a sense of regret now. Contraception isn’t foolproof but it is very good. In the meantime get yourself on the waiting list for your tubes tied.

Lots and lots of women want more children than their husband does but stay in their marriages because their love for their husband and not wanting to break up their existing family outweighs any desire they have for a second/third/fourth baby.

Where would they be if their husbands all took the OP's approach?

You are being massively unreasonable. Whilst uncommon vasectomies carry risk of life long pain and dysfunction. He has to make that decision himself with our being coerced by you. It's his body. Also you are young. It is a sad fact many relationships don't last. I understand why he wouldn't want to permanently sterilise himself now, that doesn't mean he wants more kids, but not wanting more kids and making it impossible are two different things.

I also do not think you are considering your child here when you talk about ending the relationship over this. Divorce is a damaging life experience for children, and yes sometimes that is absolutely necessary but collapsing your kids family because your partner is hesitant about having a permanent procedure with potential risks is a bit messed up tbh.

I know female sterilisation is a more complex operation but in your situation I would get myself sterilised. It is your life that would be at risk from pregnancy and you are young so you can't guarantee that you will be with this man forever and so you need life long protection for yourself not dependent on a man.

Based on the updates here is what I would suggest.

All conversations around anyone being sterilised on hold.
I think you have some trauma relating to your pregnancy/birth that you need to work through for yourself. Pregnancy and birth is hard and it does take its toll, but it sounds like you need to unpick some of your feelings here.
Wedding on hold whilst you work on the above, and at a later stage, you can decide if you would both like to get married but I don't think now sounds like the right time.

I think the nhs doesn’t even do them before 30??? At least that’s what my friend told me as her husband turned 30 this year and they couldn’t wait because they already have three kids!

He is still so young so I do get it, and he may just be trying to please you atm or he may be confused if he wants more. And it’s not wrong at all for him to feel this way.

He’s obviously got concerns that he isn’t discussing with you yet OP, but flying off the handle isn’t going to help you understand what these concerns are! It sounds like you both really need some support - COUNSELLING to help you both after your traumatic birth, and to help him understand your fears and you to understand his.

I don't understand why most people are being so mean and rude (well I do because it's mumsnet and I had similar treatment on my post the other day).

I totally understand why you feel the way you do. I thought vasectomies could be reversed?

I think you need to have a calm clear conversation with DP. It's quite a big thing to do so he might be wavering because he's scared (I the procedure is small bit the consequences).

I think it’s clear you’re on different pages on this issue so YANBU to call off the wedding.

YABU to force the vasectomy though although I understand it’s frustrating that he has changed his mind.

Truthfully, at your ages I wouldn’t consider any permanent form of contraception as you yourself may reconsider when time has passed.

@Messymaker Then don’t marry him. I kinda get what you’re saying you don’t want him to one day turn round and leave because he wants another child and you don’t. But for me I’d leave now knowing what I know rather than guilt trip anyone into this surgery.

I had my son after multiple losses and can’t imagine being able to do this again. But I would never ever push my DH into a vasectomy at 33. Let alone 27. I love him so much that I just want him to be happy and If I was to ever die and he met someone else in 5 years who he wants a child with I couldn’t bare the thought of him not being able to because I said “get it done or I won’t marry you”

I just think you need to calm down a bit and think about this properly. You could die, you could divorce him etc. he’s 27 for Christ sake. Please do not force him into this x

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

This is such a profoundly important thing to backtrack on I'd be way too unnerved to go through with a wedding.

As you say OP, it's totally fine for him to change his mind about such a big step. But to not communicate any of his doubts along the way and just blindside you with this 180° shift on something you have both wanted.... it would make me feel like I didn't really know him at all.

It's not even about the vasectomy to me, it's about having the rug pulled on something that is built into the foundation of the relationship.

I think calling off the wedding is wise, as well as taking your own steps to ensure you will never have more children.

You can call off the wedding for any reason. So can he.

Keeping his options opens imo means, should I not be with you in the future I can have a child with someone else.

Is he thinking that, god forbid, should something happen to you and then years down the line he met someone else who wanted children that he might want that too. I wouldn't go straight to he might change his mind in the future and they'll be divorce on the cards.
You do both need a sit down chat about this before you make a big decision that could change your relationship.
One thing, and I am an advocate of men having the snip when a woman has spent her lifetime taking meds and other things to stop pregnancy, but if it were the case getting pregnant again could seriously damage my health, I would consider getting sterilised myself.
I hope your conversation goes well and you come to an amicable decision.

Him not having a vasectomy isn't her making a sacrifice. It's not. Him having a vasectomy is him making a massive, irreversible potential sacrifice (of never having another child, if he should find that he wants one for any reason). Vasectomy is for those who are certain they do not want any children under any circumstances, or who are happy that the benefits outweigh the downsides for them. It is not something to be coerced into. And I would say absolutely the same thing about a woman being coerced into sterilisation or alternately a pregnancy.

Is post separation life so hypothetical when OP is willing to separate over this disagreement? What about the next disagreement? What else will he have to do to show his commitment to her or she ends the relationship/marriage? He can't take the vasectomy back. Many people who don't want or plan to have further children would still not be comfortable being sterilised and that is absolutely their decision.