To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

Well I can see both sides. I get it that it feels to you like he's "hedging his bets" in case your marriage flounders, and that feels like he's not 100% committed.

BUT no-one knows what the future holds.
You may die next year and after grieving he may find another love who desperately wants children.

At the end of the day the health risk is to you so you should seek sterilisation.

YANBU to feel blindsided he's changed the goalposts but YABU to think he's not allowed to change his mind. It's his body. The way you are describing you struggles post pregnancy you should understand that it's an important decision to subject yourself to an operation.

Also what's saying you might not cheat and/or leave him in the future?

I wouldn't get married to him either he clearly isn't on the same page as you about further children and the risk to your health

It’s definitely too young for him to have a vasectomy for your sake. If you are positive you never want to conceive again, you should be the one getting sterilised. If your relationship ends, you still won’t want another pregnancy. He might not be so sure.

He hasn't agreed though, has he? Otherwise he would be proactive in making an appointment to discuss with the relevant medical professional.

He agreed with a decision of hers out of sympathy for her health when it was fresh in both their minds.

It's a permanent decision for his body out of sympathy for her.

I don't see why getting tubes tied or using an IUD isn't even a consideration for the OP rather than having control over a permanent decision on her partners body who clearly does not want the procedure done.

I don’t blame him. Nearly half of marriages end in divorce so although you go into it thinking it’s a lifelong commitment it really isn’t. He’s only 27 and you’re asking him to give up his chance of having more children in the future. I think if on the balance of things it’s you who can’t have more children due to your health then you should be the one having your tubes tied/hysterectomy or look into something less permanent like a coil or implant.

Yes... I know...?

which makes me feel he is being untruthful with me and himself
He isn't untruthful. His first feelings were that he would indeed be with you forever and doesn't want more children, so was ok with it.

Since then, he had time to think and realise that it is not a wise decision on his part because events and feelings do change and you have to be prepared for that eventuality.

He is showing maturity by not rushing into it and you seem to want to punish him for it.

Sounds like you are set on ending the relationship on the basis of this. I think you should go ahead and do it. I am not sure where it leaves you with your future relationships but you have the right to terminate your wedding for any reason whatsoever and even without one.
Personally, I wouldn't do it. I look at it as any other decision as a couple. I am with my partner now and while I reasonably expect to be with him for the rest of my life, I will no under any circumstances sell my flat because shit happens. He could die, I could fall in love with someone else, and so can he. Shit happens and I am old enough to know that one should never make permanent decisions on the basis of "happily ever after".

I’ve read all of your posts @Messymaker

No. 1. Yes, actually some people do think of all the variables before making big decisions. It’s not exhausting, it’s being a responsible adult.

No. 2. People change their minds. It’s part of life.

No.3. If you don’t want to fall pregnant again, take personal responsibility for it. It’s not a woman vs man thing. It is personal responsibility. So, grow up and take personal responsibility.

No. 4 You are right that people take risks in life. So, follow your own advice, get sterilised and take the risk that he will still want to be with you despite the fact that you actually can not have more children.

No. 5 Figure out how to respect other people’s boundaries, decisions and changes. It’s the mature thing to do.

You have been unreasonable and none of your counter arguments prove otherwise.

I'm leaving this thread now as I've been told ahundred times I can die tomorrow or my partner can divorce me. Therefore everything in life is meaningless. I might as well not even buy a place with this man incase we hypothetical divorce in the future, got to protect myself and think of my best interest incase we aren together.

OP, I think the issue that people are missing is that this isn't about whether or not he gets a vasectomy. It's about how he isn't communicating clearly with you.

From what you've said I think his position is that he doesn't want any more kids for your health and financial reasons, but isn't ready to close that door yet since none of us knows what the future holds. It doesn't mean he wants to leave you in 5 years to have more kids. I am 30 with 2 kids and absolutely do not want more, but I don't feel emotionally ready for that door to be permanently closed either. My DH actually mentioned getting a vasectomy and even though I'm certain we won't have more, I asked him to wait a few more years because from an emotional perspective it's hard for me to let go of our fertility.

Have an honest chat with him without making accusations that he wants more kids with someone else in the future if he doesn't get a vasectomy. That's a very immature perspective and invalidates any very valid feelings he may have about a permanent end to fertility.

By your updates it's blatantly clear you only posted because you're so sure you're right and people would agree with you, maybe so you could show your dp how wrong he is and how right you are?
What it comes down to is it's his body and his choice and yes, he is allowed to change his mind.
He actually has the right not to have a vasectomy.
You talk about how at 27 you both have so much life experience that you KNOW this is the right thing to do.
The right thing for HIM to do, the thing that you are absolutely not prepared to do, have your tubes tied for your own health, not his, yours.
Call off the wedding, give him a chance of a happy life away from a woman who is basically abusing him, as other pps stated, if a man was forcing a woman into having her tubes tied because he didn't want anymore DC and threatening with calling off the wedding until she complied, this site would be up in arms, calling out the abuse.
You are in the wrong

I think you re missing the point. He is 27 and hopefully has a lifetime ahead of him. Your marriage may not last or you may die and he may want to start another family with someone else. Taking that option away so young is foolish.

Given that he would probably want to have another if something were to happen to you, God forbid, I think you should be the one to get sterilised. It sucks but it's a you thing and there's nothing to say you'll always be together.

I agree with pp that if you want to end the relationship then you should. But, don’t blame him. Take personal responsibility and own it.

I don't think he should do it!

My husband wanted to do it, in his 40s and I said it's probably not a good idea. What if a terrible accident happens and we're all wiped out, he should be able to start again if at all possible x

Op he is allowed to change his mind about the vasectomy.

and on that basis because your health Is dictated by pregnancy you have the right to change your mind about marrying a man who is on the fence and end the relationship.

i am very much like you. I’m open and honest with every man about my contraceptive issues - I can’t use hormonal forms, I’ve tried coils and they left me in horrendous pain so my only option is condoms (DRs won’t tie my tubes and that does come with more risks than a vasectomy and it’s not easy to test if it has worked) - the number of men who won’t date long term because they have to use a condom every time but also don’t want any more kids and have told me I must get an abortion if I get pregnant yet won’t get a vasectomy staggers me.

it seems like men have this collective belief that contraception lays on the woman’s shoulders because she can ‘choose’ abortion. Your health, your problem, your womb not my problem.

abortion must always remain a last resort.

I would be concerned about marrying a man who changed his mind without even saying anything.

id be concerned that he wants more kids and will resent you if you have to have an abortion for health reasons. Or will pressure you to continue pregnancy to your own detriment and you’ll be left disabled. You will resent him if you have to go through an abortion.

in a relationship contraception is both partner’s responsibility and it’s unfair that everything is on your shoulders be it the pill or abortion or tracking your natural fertility etc

this really is a dealbreaker imo.

The difficulty is if her criteria are "have a vasectomy" she's going to be compatible with very few men indeed. Divorcees who already have children?

Not wanting to have a vasectomy does not indicate substantial wavering or uncertainty on the decision to not have further children, in the way that is being implied. It's a very reasonable thing to not want to permanently alter your reproductive function, even if you have no desire or plans for further children. I have 3 children and I don't want any more.. Nevertheless, I would not choose sterilisation at my age because I know that there are some remotely possible circumstances in which I might change my mind. Considering remote possibilities doesn't mean that my husband and I aren't on the same page about not having more children.

Bizarre thought. Not everyone has to have children no matter the circumstances. Perhaps he would want to start again raising kids.

I think you are wrong here, he may be worried about the effect of his sex drive etc, it may have nothing to do with future children. My OH wouldnt want one. If its a concern for you, I dont understand why you dont have the operation yourself? Why does it need to be him? You're the one, whether you are with your DP or not in the future, who absolutely does not want more children so I think you need to take ownership of it.

27 is young and anything could happen. What if you fell out of love in 10 years time and decided to split up? He might end up in another relationship and want to have children with that person. I recognise that you think you are marrying for life, but let’s be honest, a lot of marriages end in divorce eventually. There’s no reason not to do it, if it’s right at the time, but it’s no guarantee you will be together forever.

If it’s so important to you, get your tubes tied.

You’re leaving the thread because you don’t want to acknowledge the fact that you think it’s okay for you not to want to be sterilised yet still not want children, but you don’t think it’s the same for him.

You need to ask him to be honest about whether he wants more children. If he was just saying he doesn’t want surgery, that would be a different matter, but if he’s concerned about it being so permanent then that sounds more like he would potentially consider more children in the future. If he definitely doesn’t want more then go ahead and get married but you’ve got to have a proper conversation about double contraception methods to really minimise your chance of falling pregnant if you don’t want to fall pregnant again.

I’m 27 too, married with my first (and only) child. I have also got long lasting effects from my birth that the NHS won’t fix so seems like we have some things in common. I love my child so much but I wish things had been different during my labour. I also don’t want anymore children and my husband doesn’t like condoms. I don’t feel like I am comfortable with using just one method of contraception so we just don’t have sex anymore (although I struggle to physically anyway). As much as a man can choose to not have a vasectomy or wear condoms, a woman can choose to be abstinent to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and having to choose between going through it all again or having an abortion.

If he wants more children, you’ve got to be realistic about marriage because it probably isn’t going to work out but I guess you know that already.

@Messymaker I had a horrible birth and was told I could have my tubes tied, no worries. Also that DP could have a vasectomy but that I should be aware the NHS would NOT under any circumstances reverse the ops.

We’re 35 with 1 child

there’s an aspect of not taking no as an answer from doctors and keep pushing it. Either go to a different doctor or be so persistent about it (really press all angles, MH, etc) that they’ll refer you/do it just to get you off their face