To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

Are you not even slightly realising that you may be being unreasonable with so many people telling you so?

None of us know what is round the corner…you could get cancer or die in a car crash any day and you’d be leaving your partner in his 20’s (who doesn’t have as strong a reason or urge to not have more children as you do) unable to have more children with anyone else. I would want for my partner to move on and be happy with someone nice, and for my child to have future half siblings if that were the case.

You sound like you completely resent him for what you went through during pregnancy… blackmailing him to go through a drastic procedure at such a young age to effectively get back at him for what you went through is extremely toxic and selfish.

I would strongly recommend the coil tbh, never got pregnant in the 5 years I had it and it gives you time to both reassess the situation in 5/10 years time.

So once upon a time - in your own words you were adamant you wanted to get married because you thought it was forever yet here you are having a change of heart

Funny that? Y’know how people change their minds about babies/marriage etc

What a load of utter drivel.

I can understand why you would that hesitation OP but unless there are other reasons I wouldn't call the wedding off for that, and I wouldn't be trying to force him to have a vasectomy either if he doesn't want one, as 27 is indeed incredibly young to make such a permanent decision, whilst at the same time it's absolutely fine for you to be sure that YOU don't want to become pregnant again.

To look at it from his perspective - let's just say, playing devil's advocate - you get married, and then in 5 years time you decide for whatever reason you don't want to stay in the marriage and you leave him. So potentially not something of his choosing / doing. What if then, he met someone else and did want more children?

I know it's difficult and no one should be getting married if you actively go into it thinking 'this won't last', obviously at that point in time hopefully you both a fully on board with the idea of 'til death do us part'. But, at the same time, life is unpredictable. So I don't think it means 'he's already planning on leaving you to have children with another woman', I think it just means he feels too young to take such a permanent step.

Good luck to you in any case OP.

So basically, marriage for you is conditional upon him doing what you tell him to. It isn't about whether he has changed his mind, or whether he will ever change his mind. It is about you are acting in a controlling way that, in his shoes, would make me question whether marriage was a good idea. It's "your way or the highway", and anyone, male or female, who conducts themselves in such a manner, on any subject, is not wanting to be in a relationship - they want to control that relationship.

But buying a house isn't a permanent decision is it. Sure, it's a big step, and selling a house is complicated and takes time and you might lose money. But it's not permanent. It doesn't mean you are duty bound to spend the entire rest of your life living in that house.

A person is allowed to sincerely never want to have more children in future and to not want to have surgery on an intimate body part, all at the same time.

OP, you don't trust him and you don't love him.

I'm not sure he is the one for you.

My dad died when I was four. I think he'd have felt even more rubbish on his deathbed knowing he had pressured my mother into an operation that ruled out her meeting someone else and having kids with them. Would you like to be in that position if something awful happens to you? Because unfortunately, these things do happen.

Given there is an option on the table that gives you both the outcome you want, and which protects you from future pregnancies as is right and necessary for you, without making a lifelong decision for him, why is that not a better option?

Perhaps it scares you to imagine your marriage ending, or the possibility of him being widowed young, and him having another life after you for whatever reason. That's totally fair enough, those things scare us all: they're horrible to contemplate. But they do happen, and considering them as possible helps to mitigate the worst elements of them. Imagine how bitter a divorce could be if he got sterilised against his will, because of you. You don't need to set yourself up for that to achieve everything you want.

If you feel that getting sterilised yourself doesn't achieve everything you want, despite on the surface that being no more kids, then it seems that what you want is actually more about control, or about trying to pretend that there isn't the scary possibility that there might be a life after this marriage, for both or one of you.

@laclochette I mean who goes into a marriage with the mentality that there could be a life without it? Maybe five ten years down the line if things started rusting but I haven't even got married yet so i want to be blissful ignorant to it whether it's a possibility or not

YANBU, because supposedly he is in complete agreement that you won't have any more children. Even if you get sterilised I can understand that you will have that lingering doubt that he might be unhappy later on about not expanding the family.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I can’t understand why anyone does frankly. Yes it’s his body, his choice, but equally, it’s your life your choice. If you don’t want to marry him because of this, that is 100% your right.

I've been with DH for six years and married for three. We're very happy and he's my best friend but I'm very aware things might change further down the line. It doesn't mean I love him any less or that I'm less committed to our relationship, it's just being realistic. To be honest I don't think humans are biologically suited to long monogamous relationships but that's a whole other discussion.

Wow - based on updates it sounds like you shouldn't marry this person for other reasons. Lack of respect and consent for one! I wonder if you know this, on some level, and are subconsciously trying to find a reason to leave, hence this focus on the vasectomy.

I married with every expectation that my marriage would last and we would both be committed to that

But, it's naive for anyone to be in denial that sometimes marriages do end, despite their best efforts. That's just a fact of life

@Messymaker well, I would, for one. Because I saw my dad die when I was 4. I don't think it makes me doomy. It gave me a massive appreciation of how precious life and love are. I don't think wishing to preserve a feeling of blissful ignorance is enough reason to ask someone to make themselves infertile. You should go into marriage with eyes wide to life, not trying to squash them shut against reality.

But you’re also being ignorant to the fact something could happen to you and you’ve forced him into not having the option to meet someone else and have children in his 30’s. You can have your blissful ignorance but you can’t force him to not be practical and share your ‘blissful ignorance’/naivety too when it’s affecting his body and future prospects more.

Bloody hell!! That's awful.

A person is also allowed to realise that they have to choose between the partner they love and the number of children they ideally want (or might possibly want in the future), and choose the partner while still acknowledging that if the relationship ended they'd prioritise children in a future relationship.

Women do that all the time. If a woman who realistically acknowledged that she had to give up her dream of another child in order to keep her marriage was pressured to have her tubes tied to prove that she was totally committed to the marriage and hadn't left herself an out then that would be grotesque.

I think yabu. You're both still very young and it's a permanent decision. There's loads of roads your lives could go down that might lead to him one day wanting another child. For example what if God forbid you passed away young and he wanted to have another chance with someone else who did want more kids.

I personally think if you personally are definitely really done with babies then you get your tubes tied or continue with doubled up contraception. He clearly fully supports that. I don't think this needs to ruin your relationship, he seems clear that you won't be having any more babies but I don't think you can force him to make this decision either since its a call essentially you are making that he is fully supporting you with.

I also wonder whether, due to the terrible trauma of your pregnancy which is clearly affecting you so badly and for which my heart goes out to you, you are banking on the vasectomy as something that will take that trauma away from you and for example allow you to have sex again without it being triggered and reliving it. I don't mean to say it won't help at all (I can't possibly know), but that trauma is in YOU, and may well continue to surface even if all rational possibilities of pregnancy are removed. Trauma responses are not rational.

I know you said you are on a waiting list for therapy for that trauma and I hope you get help with it soon.

Honestly is there any more over used phrase on mumsnet than 'red flag'

It's a very big decision for anyone. You are 1 million percent clear that you don't want any more children , he is marrying you knowing that. Is that not commitment enough. What he is not saying is that in the even the marriage ended prematurely that he might be open to having more kids with a new partner if you got hit by a bus.

You demanding that he make a permanent decision that will affect him for eve whether he is still with you or not or you call off the wedding is shitty shitty thing to do.

The only person here raising red flags is you

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof.

Hi OP,

I'm not going to slaughter you, that's not fair. However, you're saying you would rather your OH get a vasectomy because it's easier for him than it is for you...

I'm a firm believer in you proctect your own fertility. If you don't want to risk another pregnancy, your reasons for which are perfectly reasonable, unfortunately, you need to be the one to enquire about sterilisation. I know it seems unfair OP. Believe me, Its normal to feel as though as a woman, we have to take all the responsibility, thats because we are the ones who get pregnant. What we can't do is demand someone else take the responsibility for what we want. Particularly with something such as a vasectomy. Yes. Up to 95% of vasectomies are reversible but you need to keep in mind that statistic is the reversal of the procedure itself, not the statistic for pregnancy after reversal. And the more years that pass between the procedure and the reversal the less liklihood of being able to conceive.

It's a big decision for someone of 27.

You both need to weigh up all the outcomes, even more obscure ones. It's not ridiculous to do that, OP, it's actually very smart. As PP's have said you and your child could (God forbid) die, it's drastic, but a possibility all the same, either one of you could cheat, grow apart and decide to split up, work can get in the way all sorts of things can happen. Forever doesn't exist. OP, its a nice notion but unrealistic.

There's always the flip side, if you get sterilised it's good night nurse to your fertility for good.

In regards to the abstinence, I get why, he absolutely should NOT have finished within you without your permission. That is an issue all on it's own, however it depends on whether it was an accident and he didn't pull out in time, whether this particular no-no was communicated clearly between you before sex or he just took the piss. And really, if you don't want to be getting pregnant why be having unsafe sex in the first place... surely your aware your chances of getting pregnant on the pull out method are 100% higher than him fully finishing in you whilst your protected?

I'm not trying to be an asshole, surely this is common sense.

All the best OP.

She’s not forcing him, don’t be dramatic, she’s simply stating she’s not sure if she wants to marry him. He however did force a huge risk on her when he decided to ejaculate inside her without her consent though, didn’t he? Any concerns around that?

If you're that sure you don't want another child, then have your tubes tied!!
Do not lay it on your DP.
Things could change in the future, both of you may decide to have another child - I've seen this happen!
You don't want to go through pregnancy again because you MIGHT have another bad one, but there's no guarantee you will.
DP might feel that having a vasectomy takes away some of his manliness!