To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

I’m sorry but I really don’t think that Mumsnetters are just piling on to be mean to the Op.

A few months ago someone posted about how their husband wanted them to get their tubes tied because he didn’t want any more children. People voted that she wasn’t being unreasonable to have doubts or second thoughts about actually going through with it. Most posters said that if he was certain that if he didn’t want more children then the onus was on him to get a vasectomy.

In this case the Op is a woman who doesn’t want more children and the sentiment is the same: if she doesn’t want more children then the onus is on her to get her tubes tied.

It is a reasonable response to both threads that doesn’t take sides with male or female.

Any other relationship issues can be addressed as highlighted by the Op. However, despite any other issues it is the vasectomy that she has highlighted and that is what pp have responded to. Him changing his mind about having a vasectomy or the fact that it may or may not point to his commitment to her is a side issue and can only be addressed by the Op clarifying with her fiancé. It is not something that random strangers on the internet can determine.

For all those suggesting OP gets her tubes tied-do you know how hard that is to get approval from a doctor on the NHS?

Women who are child-free by choice in their thirties struggle to get approval for it and it's a well-documented thing. Many women aren't taken seriously when they request-for any reason.

Women are always assumed to eventually change their minds and want children/more children.

It's just not as simple as walking into your GP surgery, request the procedure, GP fills out forms and voila-booked in. That doesn't happen typically.

Err I am sorry but if YOU don't want to get pregnant then YOU don't rely on someone else to stop that happening. It's YOUR fertility. Take control of it.

Exactly what I tell my 16 year old daughter.

This. Don't be dishing it out then moan when your target kicks back.

She hasnt tried, nor is she willing. So your point is moot.

His body, his choice.

He's changing as his brain develops. He knows know what it's like to have a child and he has the right to change his mind.

And touch wood, if something were to happen to you and your child, making himself infertile might be something he would live to regret.

'if you don't do as I say I'm calling off the wedding ' is emotional blackmail.

So YABU.

I wouldn't say he's planning a future without you, he wants to marry you, so clearly loves you but it sounds like the decision to have one child is more for your benefit due to risks and he respects that.

What if you were to leave him 5 years down the line? Makes perfect sense to me that he wouldn't want something so permanent at 27. It seems to make more sense for you to have the op, as in your heart it's what you want regardless.

He sounds like a good man tbh but he shouldn't permanently alter his body to keep another person happy.

He forced you to have unprotected sex against your will thus risking your health and breaching god knows how many boundaries. You are now in a sexless relationship, but can you even trust him to abide by your wishes there?

This relationship is toxic and going nowhere. A vasectomy is the very, very least of your problems.

Except it isn't remotely moot. You just can't argue against it.

At their ages, the same would apply to both of them. They would have to go private for either procedure.

@Welcome2thecircus well he made it out as if he didn't want kids for himself not for me. If it is for me then he needs to be honest about that because that's not true to what he actually wants and will mean he will either resent me or end up leaving

So then, surely people should stop suggesting OP gets her tubes tied as if it is that simple?

I think this is the issue. Vasectomy is a red herring. You need to work through your PTSD before you get married or make permanent decisions on body operations.

I had ptsd from birth, swore no more, then broodiness hit so flipping hard 6 years later.

@CleverLilViper that's what I thought and why I keep ignoring it. Telling me to do it like it's even a possibility for me as woman at my age

It is moot when she is refusing to have it done herself. They can refuse her all they like, shes not even asking, so its irrelevant. Would you like me to make it simpler?

You talked about it properly and you agreed not to have further children because of serious medical concerns over your health.
You also talked about marriage. Was it clear to him at that stage, from your point of view, that marriage was dependent on him having a vasectomy?

Seems your DP has thought about it more since you first discussed it which is completely normal. Maybe he has talked to other friends and family about it and has considered the wider implications he didn’t see or didn’t want to face before. So that is very positive.

He has changed his mind OP. And if he were my son, I would be happier if he took a good few more years to really consider this drastic step. It isn’t something to be rushed into. Nor something demanded of you by your partner.

In the meantime, it’s best for you take responsibility for your own body. I understand that means either remaining relationship-free in order not to risk pregnancy …. Or taking steps surgically to ensure no more children for you.

I do think it’s very unreasonable to try to coerce him to have a vasectomy. Or to threaten to call off the wedding. No good will come of that at all. It blocks moving forward with thoughtful and understanding
discussions.
I know you don’t want to hear this again but you both ARE very young to be making this decision for now. And your DP IS allowed to change his mind about this important issue (maybe more than once) without any judgement. It really is more than OK for him to change his mind.

As to your AIBU, only you can really answer that. If marriage was conditional on vasectomy, then I guess YANBU. But how will you know if this relationship has legs if you decide to end it prematurely.
I think you need to take more time to think this through, especially if he’s a good partner and a good father. He’s not done anything wrong by changing his mind, disappointing as that is for you right now.

Hope you can work it out together OP.

No, you shouldn't be getting married. You're absolutely adamant about a fundamental life choice that he's not sure about, so you're not on the same page.
I'd call off the wedding and tell him he needs to be 100% certain about no more children before revisiting the idea.
Avoid criticism, pressure or recriminations. It's a very serious choice you're both making and he has as much right to decide not to close down his fertility as you have to have no more children. The important thing is to respect your views conflict here, and understand and accept what that means for your future. Don't fall into the trap of extracting or accepting false promises or steamrollering him into something that has to be his free choice.

Not true, at 27 he would be strongly discouraged from something that is very permanent, he may even have to jump through hoops unless you go private and then at 27 would be discouraged, there are many reasons for men and woman to not take such permeant choices, it can also cause major problems ED etc etc.
There will be contraceptive choices that you both use/have as you are both responsible for your own fertility.
It is also his body so his choice, you then choose what you do with your body.

Surely it depends on your specific medical history. I agree that it wouldn't even be worth mentioning to an average twenty-something woman, even one who'd had a pretty traumatic birth.

But if your medical history points to Do Not Get Pregnant! red flags then sterilisation becomes a potential option, even at your age, even on the NHS.

Would you like me to make it simple for you?

If you know, given how hard it is, to get sterilised on the NHS, that you're incredibly likely to get rejected for it, why would you waste time attempting to kick down a triple-locked door?

People are not being arseholes to her!

The OP has responded quite aggressively in tone to responses that don't match her views.

People are pointing out the unreasonableness of her demands! I'm assuming that's why she posted in the first place, which is to get people's opinions on whether she is justified and calling off her wedding.

What would you have done if you'd married him before you had your child? You'd have no leverage to refuse to marry. Would you threaten divorce?

Without using any contraception? Knowing what pregnancy could do to you?

In answer to your original question, yes you should at least postpone the wedding.

People on MN have a funny definition of not being arseholes to someone.

I don't know about you but calling someone a "controlling madam," calling them immature, patronising them because of their age, saying their partner should leave them-is the very definition of being arseholes.

OP I am hearing a lot of defence from you, which indicates you might be in a permanent fight or flight state, a sign of cPTSD. You have been through so much for something that wasn't in your plans and you now feel your body is 'used goods'. To use such a derogatory term for yourself shows low self worth and I wonder if your fears of OH leaving run deeper than all of this - although I do understand your exact logic where that is concerned. You're met with a lot of animosity here and that's because I feel you're coming across as quite abrasive and people usually, unknowingly, behave like this to keep others away. To prevent anyone getting close. I wonder if your partner does have more to say but there isn't a safe space for honest communication?

I'm a counsellor and I can't recommend enough for you to go and have counselling. You won't find the answers you seek here, it will just be exasperating. You've been through a very traumatic event that has changed who you are and that's a lot to process, but it does need processing. Undiagnosed cPTSD can really degrade all quality of life and cause lifelong affects. Work on yourself and your trauma, then enter as a couple so that you have that safe space to communicate with someone present to hear and communicate your fears in a way DP will understand.

Good luck.