To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

She's being unpleasant to everyone who doesn't agree with her regardless of whether they've been rude or not.

@SoupDragon that is not true in the slightest but okay justify being a needless horrible person if it makes you feel better

I have responded to opposing advice very mutually thanks

Why wont you answer the question.

Why dont you protect yourself and get sterilized or a coil if it means that much to you.

Instead of trying to force someone to do it.

It's also the fastest way of ensuring that you won't get married!
Just get yourself sterilised, problems solved.
You can have sex without worrying about pregnancy, your partner will be happy, win/ win.

@Abitslow I've answered the reason why I won't get sterilised multiple times. I'm not repeating myself

From one messy person to another:

This has nothing to do with his commitment. People who take out life insurance do not do this because they are planning on dying. It is to be protected if circumstances change. The younger you are, the more time there is for stuff to go wrong by circumstances beyond your control.

If anyone, ANYONE decides to be sterilised then they have to be sure that no matter what they don't want children or don't want more children. That means if their partner dies, or they get divorced and remarry , or { heaven forbid} their child/ren die. You have to be 100% sure that you want no more no matter what. It's fine to be undecided, it's OK if you have different opinions. And he has the right to say no, just as you have the right to say no to sex.

@TurquoiseJasper haha okay. If someone won't get married to me because I'm protecting and having my health's best interest they know where the door is. Just as dp can CHOOSE not to get a vasectomy I can choose not to have sex with him

What happened to my body my choice

In all honesty, you'd be hard pushed to find a doctor who would be willing to do a vasectomy on someone under the age of 30 anyway, my partner looked into it and now he is 30 it is something we are genuinely considering, but when he originally queried it with the doctor, I believe it was suggested that under 30 you are very unlikely to have it done.

I don't think this is grounds to question the marriage though, as many have commented, it is his body and it is a procedure that will give him a fair amount of discomfort to go through.

Likewise, I also appreciate that contraception may not be the best option or a permanent option you want to go ahead with, especially hormonal. Personally my partner and I are in the same position, in that neither of us want kids, and so he's looked into a vasectomy and I'm all for it. However, if he turned around and said he couldn't go through with it, I wouldn't question that either. It's his body, his choice. As women, I'm sure we would be upset if someone was trying to tell us what they wanted us to do with our bodies, it's no different for men.

Either way, perhaps bring it up again and mention that you appreciate it may be uncomfortable to go through with, is that why he's on the fence about it? Men tend to not want to look scared of pain so that may be why he brought up the permanence of the procedure.

In fairness, the OP has answered that question already.

It's not her responsibility to keep repeating herself because you can't be bothered to read through the full thread.

Use comdoms then but you cant force anyone.
I think its best the wedding gets called off because you clearly dont want to respect his choice.
But you still have sex knowing what could happen.
🙄

@CleverLilViper thank you because I'm tired of people pulling me up on the same thing like they have a point to make against me when all its doing is just showing up their incompetence and laziness!

Well said, @CleverLilViper

Reading all your posts, there’s obviously more going on in this relationship and you really should not into marriage with all that baggage.
That said, with regards to the question, I think you’re being unreasonable on the face of it.
Him choosing not to have the snip does not mean he plans to go and have kids with someone else in future, it’s just that people generally really put much thought into making permanent decisions to their body.
He could also argue that you’re keeping your options open as you don’t want sterilisation as well so the argument can go both ways.
I have 3 children and I know i absolutely will never have any more kids but I didn’t even consider getting sterilised, not because I plan that I may want one in future but just because it’s permanent. There’s just a way I feel about it being permanent especially as there are temporary ones I could get.

I'm a pragmatist. Whatever's morally wrong or right, you might be happily together forever. Or you might not. He might not want more kids, or he might. He just wants to leave his options open. Lots of men fear vasectomy, for lots of reasons. As you don't want to leave your options re future pregnancy open, why not just take control of your own fertility? If you think he might leave in future because he wants more kids he could do that anyway and try and get his vasectomy reversed, use a donor, whatever. In reality I think relationships mostly break down over multiple issues and no-one can predict the future.
I understand you feel thrown by this but if he's not going to do it happily, why risk him lying about it & putting you at risk of pregnancy or doing it, and resenting you because he doesn't really want to? One thing I've learned is you can't make people do things and if they do things they don't want to in order to please you, it won't please them and it leaves shadows. True happiness comes from genuinely wanting the same things and being able to express wants and needs openly to reach consensus - even if the other person finds your viewpoint a bit uncomfortable.

I don't think that's true.

Incredible how so many PP's think they can be as rude to people as they like but that person isn't allowed to respond in kind.

Thanks point that finger back at yourself .
Call the wedding off cause you both clearly want different things.

This. Its a huge decision. Yes tubes tied is a bit more invasive but it's best way to go. Iv had my tubes tied after 3 children. Was with my other half 13.5 years. I didn't want to put my body through the horrendous pregnancies and near death experiences iv had. Would've been wrong of me to pressure my then hubby into a vasectomy ( even though he wanted no more children) we are no longer together after 13.5 years. He can have more of he so chooses with whomever he chooses.

There is a certain irony in saying 'my body my choice', while wishing remove that option from the potential husband!!

@Tryingtokeepgoing no there is a certain irony that it only seems to apply to the man in the situation but for me I should have sex with him regardless right. Just as I should risk having another baby and my life right.

Everyone telling the OP she's wrong and that it is "YOUR responsibility if you don't want to get pregnant again!"

would be the fucking first in line to say "what about the MAN'S responsibility?? Women don't get pregnant on their own" if anyone tries to pull up a woman for irresponsible reproduction, having umpteen kids with multiple partners, having kids they can't afford, etc. It's never just HER choices and actions leading to the shit reproductive situations.

So which is it, people? Hmm?

Hi OP

To be fair, I went back and read all your posts looking for the answe to this question wondering if I'd missed something.

As I read it, your reason is "because he should do it instead", is that correct?

Anyway, having reread the whole thread I think you're both right. He shouldn't get a vasectomy and you shouldn't marry him. This is not a relationship where either of you should expect permanent wedded bliss unless therapy and time manage to heal you both, and you should make your short term choices accordingly. I'm sorry, and hope that you manage to either mend your relationship or coparent your child amicably.