To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

You don't sound like a peach yourself.

YABU sounds like emotional blackmail to me.

I'm sorry he did that to you.
it sounds as if there is a lot more to this than the vasectomy issue.
would you consider starting a new thread in Relationships to get advice on the whole thing??

A very good point you want it that bad why dont you go do the above to your self.

would you consider starting a new thread in Relationships to get advice on the whole thing??

Second this. You'll continue to get people piling in here due to the first post but it seems like there's much more to this than just the vasectomy and you'll get some fresh responses in relationships.

This in spades.

I don't think you should marry someone you obviously do not trust. This is a recipe for disaster. Are you saying he deliberately ignored your wishes or did you consent to the unprotected sex?

If he knew you didn't want him to do that and he went ahead anyway, that's really not ok of him.

It's sounding like there is an awful lot more to this. Based on the limited information we have, I would definitely think calling off the wedding - at least for now - is the right plan. You and he have lots to work through, separately and together.

She’s refusing to answer that

And I think because she won’t do it that MUST mean she wants more children.

@LadybirdLover are you still here....gosh

See that isn't OK at all. Was he sorry? Did you discuss it since? You didn't consent to that, your issues are much bigger than stated in your OP. How old is your DC? In all honesty in your position with everything going on (homelessness, waiting for therapy, sex, your health) I would postpone the wedding for now. You have alot going on.

The ageism on here is rife today.

How utterly patronising.

You are free to end the relationship for any reason you want of course.
However, I think YABU for assuming that him not wanting to get this permanent change means he is not committed to you and/ or that he secretly wants another child. Life (and human psychology) are both so much more complex than that. I think your thinking is a little bit black and white and (forgive me for saying so) a little immature. Yes you can both be committed to the marriage, but things happen in life. What if you died? What if something happened to your child? What if you left him? Perhaps he’s not even thinking about any of these things, but he just isn’t emotionally , psychologically or physically comfortable with doing this to his body for all kinds of possible reasons (these things are never strictly rational). I understand it’s difficult to accept but it’s the reality of life.
There are other methods of contraception. Of course,
you may equally feel these other options don’t work for you and your body, for reasons that are just as valid. In this case unfortunately it does seem like the relationship is over.
good luck OP x

OP, i think unless someone has been in a position of having a pregnancy cause major health conditions, they just won't get it! My dh got one not long ago as I was NEVER going to put myself through another pregnancy ever again due to the health conditions I got from it and still have years later. Posters saying, oh i changed my mind etc, well I'm betting they didn't suffer anything that would cause lasting issues in pregnancy, so that example is irrelevant.

Do I think your dp should get a vasectomy? Yes and No. If he isn't 100% in his decision then he needs to have had that conversation with you. To me it would be a deal breaker personally, as it would show we weren't on the same page about kids. And I agree that a hysterectomy is major surgery that comes with many risks and side effects versus a vasectomy. My dh vasectomy wasn't a smooth ride, but compared to if I got sterilised, it was a breeze!!

Deal breaker.
Sorry op but he's thinking about having children in the future.
End this doomed relationship now tell him the only way he has back into your heart and your knickers is via the vasectomy he has refused.

He has ended your relationship, you heed to take control for the sake of your health.

As hypocritical as it may seem given what you’ve been through, is it possible he just does not want his bits messing with?

All our friends are done having kids but none of the husbands have been for the snip. As far as I know they love and are committed to their families 100%.

My DH and I are not having any. I decided I wanted to come off the pill this year so I queried if he would consider the snip when discussing our options and it was a clear no from him! Not because he might change his mind or leave me, he just doesn’t want it done.

Now we use condoms. Not his favourite way to have sex but that’s the compromise we reached.

Give yourself some time and don’t panic. You can double or even triple up on contraception and monitor your cycle to avoid your fertile periods first without blowing up your family and see how you feel.

But you’re keeping your options open by not getting your tubes tied. You sound inflexible and hypocritical. There’s lots of options beyond insisting he gets sterilised in his 30s (without looking at you getting sterilised).

🍿🍿🍿🍿😆😆

Well then, DON'T get pregnant again.

YOU be responsible for making sure it doesn't happen.

Do you make a habit of insisting people to do things they don't want to? Or aren't 100% sure about?

I have to say, you come across as a highly unpleasant person.

This thread is so classically MN it's insane.

OP posts a question in good faith, seeking advice and guidance.

Posters respond and aren't exactly nice about their opinions and how they tell the OP they think they're massively unreasonable.

OP responds in kind and doesn't just swallow everything the posters are saying.

Posters respond by calling the OP names, suggesting she's aggressive, immature and that her partner should leave her as she's (and I quote) a "controlling madam" (who even calls people madam nowadays?).

But whatever makes the sad bun-fighters on MN happy, I guess. Then they can swan around, in their alleged righteousness, after having slain another OP in AIBU who was just seeking help.

@TurquoiseJasper I have to say, I Reay don't care!

Please tell me-why should the OP be pleasant to people who are being arseholes to her?

I third this. I'm disgusted reading this thread at the way some pps have jumped on you. I hope they haven't obscured the other balanced and reasonable responses. Your last post makes it very clear that there are other layers to this, and that your concerns are valid. I'm sorry you have been through so much. You need to work out how much you trust this man before you marry him. A new thread in relationships will bring much more good advice and support, and less playground bullying. Good luck.

@TurquoiseJasper and I am making sure I don't get pregnant by not sleeping with my partner. The best contraception is abstinence