To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

@Messymaker I will suggest it again...I think it sounds like you could use some support working through your pregnancy and birth experience, which have clearly been traumatic. Are you getting this help?
If not, can you postpone all conversations around sterilisation, the wedding, and focus on this for a while instead?

Why can’t you go on the coil / pill and double up on condoms? Or you get sterilised as it’s you who wants it most

@Sunnymummy8 thank you, it really does suck. They do say your second pregnancy can be easier but for many reasons it also could not.

@Redcargidan I'm on a waiting list to get ptsd therapy. Not just for my pregnancy but a lot of other things that have happened in the relationship

OP lots of people are suggesting counselling before EITHER of you make any life altering changes (including your marriage) and you’re not answering them, is this an option for you?

Messymaker is there more to this than just the vasectomy if other stuff has happened in the relationship?

I think you should put your wedding on hold.

I think you need to grow up.
Everyone enters into marriage thinking it's forever. Otherwise quite rightly they wouldn't bother.
Might be, might not be. Shit happens, take my word for it.

Absolutely nothing is forever, except death.

Based on this I'd definitely postpone the wedding if you are waiting for ptsd therapy for things that have happened in this relationship. You need to go into marriage completely happy and at peace with the relationship, not with outstanding trauma.

Well there’s your answer, relationship isn’t great so he’s clearly keeping options open. Best thing to do is not get married

@Redcargidan he finished inside me once without asking despite knowing where i stand with pregnancy and I got triggered thinking I was going to get pregnant again. It was mentally torture.

This is ridiculous. If that's the case no one should buy a house together because you never know if you will divorce and end up homeless and with no money

You can come back from that, many people do, get a job, work your way up again. That's entirely different to choosing surgery to render you infertile for the rest of your life.

You are coming across as quite selfish and demanding. You could go through sterilisation, as it’s you who doesn’t want any more DCs in any scenario. However you want your DP to be the one to be sterilised, so he can’t have any more DCs in any scenario. Thinking about calling off the wedding, unless your DP has a vasectomy, is virtually blackmail.

I had a friend (now ex friend) who didn’t want any more DCs after she had 2, so she persuaded her DH to have a vasectomy. The marriage ended and she moved on to another partner. They had a child and she persuaded her DP to have a vasectomy (despite him only having the one child). This relationship also failed. She then moved onto another partner (I think you can guess what’s coming). She then had another child with the new partner, however he refused to have a vasectomy, so she left him. Pretty unbelievable, but true! The reason her first two relationships failed was because she cheated on her DH/DP. So, two men unable to have any more DCs (I believe both tried to have their vasectomies reversed, but were unsuccessful), because she insisted on them being sterilised and then left them and going on to have more DCs.

If you definitely don’t want to have any more DCs in any scenario (even if it is for health reasons), you should be the one to be sterilised. It is only a fairly small procedure and normally done as a day case. No one knows what lies ahead for them. If you split up, you still definitely don’t want any more DCs, but your DP might meet someone else and want another DC. Your body, your choice, for both of you.

Oh, quit the dog pile BS and get yourself a hobby.

@BalloonSalesperson that's not entirely true. I've witnessed family members being later into life being left with no money to be able to buy their own. They hit retirement age and suddenly are left to rent for the rest of their lives in tiny box flats until the money runs dry and will have to be put up for housing

Yabu. His body his choice and he very young. I doubt they did the operation on someone as young as him without alot of discussion

And life is nothing like we imagined when we were 27, life is long, and uncertain

That struck home. Ain't that the truth!

@Messymaker

You really do sound like a controlling little madam. I can almost hear your tantrum from here. I bet you've milked this situation to death. If he's got any sense he'll leave you. I would.

Based on updates you shouldn't get married to him probably ever before you've had some therapy. He doesn't respect your boundaries.

This is about a lot more than what your OP suggests.

@Messymaker I honestly think you should hold off with everything until you have worked through your experiences and your PTSD, and then you can make some decisions about what you want your future to look like, what might be a deal breaker for you, and what you might want to do yourself. I know it's hard but when you've been through something traumatic it totally changes the way you view everything and until those clouds have cleared, it isn't the right time to make life changing decisions.

Sounds like he's having 2nd thoughts, he's entitled to not want a vasectomy as you are entitled to stick to your boundaries. Children can be a dealbreaker, you need him to be honest about what he wants so you can make a decision.

@ginasevern can you leave me by leaving this thread then? You really don't need to make a point of how you wouldn't want to be with me when the feeling is mutual love!

Hmm that’s one why to think of my advice/experience but also I spent a VERY long time thinking I was happy with one child.. then I wasn’t.. and thankfully I had that option still.. I am simply giving some experience that I had

Wow slow down back up.
You dont own his body your not entitled to tell him what he can do to his own
body.

Your Blackmailing and controlling and threats wont work with everyone.
Your been very rude to most on here.
He needs to run for the hills and not come back you sound like very hard work
and very controlling and very rude.

We all want to see you point but we cant get our heads up our arse like you.
What if he told you the weddings off because of your behaviour you would have uproar no doubt.

Sorry but you are trying to be an entitled princess dont happen in the real world.

When I was 27 I thought that as well. Now I'm older I realise how immature I was.

He doesn't want a vasectomy. If you don't want to marry him any more, don't marry him. But it is not up to you to decide what medical procedures should be forced on another person.

What you want and what you get are two entirely different things. I agree with him. If you are adamant you do not want anymore children and he isn’t 100% certain then you should be sterilised. He’s worried that in the further you’ll leave him or die, he meets someone else and they can’t have children.
It’s not that he doesn’t want you 100%. It’s that he can’t predict the future 100% .