To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

Yes call it off. He deserves far better than you

His body his choice!

If you never really wanted kids and are certain you don't want anymore than you get your tubes tied or look into sterilisation.

He is allowed to change his mind in the future about wanting more kids. He might, he might not. Asking him to do something permanent that he isn't sure about is completely unreasonable!

You're so sure, you do it!

@Whalewatchers that's nice for you but I feel like no one considers the womans health and sacrifices. Why is it always by default but onto us because we are the ones who get pregnant. All these responsibilities should be equally shared.

If me getting pregnant again by my partner means me potentionally going blind or dying, and if being with me is something he wants. I think he should also hold some weight in doing what is right to have a future.

Men can't go through a small not invasive surgery because it hurts but I'm expected to be cut open again or risk death right?

I can imagine that you are quite exhausting. You’re controlling and blackmailing your partner. Trying to get him to ‘prove’ his commitment by forcing him to have a vasectomy. Very very worrying

I went though a very similar situation to your own OP, so you have my sympathies. I think though, in all honesty that your best bet is to have your own tubes tied, as that way, if anything ever happens to your DH, or you split, then you won't have to worry about going through similar scenarios if you were to want another partner.

However, I would urge caution even for yourself, as I enquired about getting my own tubes tied, even had the appointment lined up, and then changed my mind at the last minute. I never went on to have more children, and never felt I wanted them, but it is a HUGE decision for anyone to make, so maybe take a bit of time over this. Obviously take precautions, and if the very worst were to happen and you had a burst condom, then there is the morning after pill, or if you were to fall pregnant and simply couldn't cope, then you could always terminate if you still felt so strongly. Please don't let this spoil what appears to otherwise be a good relationship.

@rasellagirl I'll let him know thanks!

You are still very young as by the sounds is your child. A vasectomy at this point seems
premature but it sounds like you would benefit from counselling to deal with the birth trauma. You are fixed on your views now but what if you did change your mind in 5-6 years? That is also a possibility however strong your views are now.

I am at a point where I don’t want any more children, we’re older than you but not prepared just yet to deal with the finality of a vasectomy. It is not risk free and like others have said, you never know what is around the corner. If I was to die tomorrow, my husband is young enough that he could still have children with someone else (although the older I get the more I’d hate that for my own children). One we hit mid 40s it would be something I’d be more comfortable with.

Of course you want to go into marriage assuming you’ll be one of the ones where it lasts but it is entirely rational to think about the ‘what ifs’ if it didn’t.

@SunflowerTed count your blessings you aren't dating me then

Not a single person on this thread has said that. You're deliberately avoiding answering why YOU can't get a procedure or have an IUD?

Honestly, the fact he's only 27 is the thing that sticks in my mind. I didn't even want one child at that age, not yet anyway. Now I have two as I say. Maybe he's secretly hoping that you health problems resolve at some point? You need a really open honest conversation with him.

The doctor won't approve it unless he lies very convincingly about having no doubts.

Even then, his age will he a barrier.

But ultimately, you can't force someone to have a medical procedure that they don't want.

This issue may well cause your relationship to fail, in which case probably best he doesn't make permanent decisions about his fertility right now.

OP you're being very very unreasonable. You don't want more kids and you're not willing to risk sex even with contraception, due to the impacts of your difficult pregnancy/birth. That's fine and is your choice.

If your DP were to die, you may at some point start another relationship. You still wouldn't want kids.

But if you were to die young, wouldn't you hope that your DP at some point would be able to find happiness with someone else? And still have the freedom to have a family with them if that felt right for him?

In this situation, it seems clear you should pursue sterilisation, as you are the one who will continue to feel the same about not having kids, whatever the future brings.

If your DP were my son or friend I'd be counselling him very strongly not to agree to get sterilised in this situation. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Because you are the one that physically gets pregnant, not him. Its nature. If you dont want to be pregnant, it could cause you significant health issues, then you need to prevent being pregnant. It yours body and your issue! If you and DP split, would you insist your next boyfriend had a vasectomy also? It seems sheer belligerence on your part at this point "why should I", well dont. But dont expect him to either because why should he.

@Whalewatchers if he had any ounce of understanding he knows my health issues can't resolve because the surfaced due to pregnancy and will only worsen if I get pregnant again

This. He needs to run for the hills!

OP, have you actually, calmly, asked him why he is now reluctant? Is it because it is too permanent and he doesn’t want to make that choice or is it that he is anxious about the surgery, has been reading about potential risks including sexual dysfunction? I know at 27 that would have given me a waver! Yes it’s rotten women have to take all the risks. Yes it’s rotten we ruin our health bringing our children into the world. But the risks of pregnancy lead (hopefully) to a healthy child which for those of us who want kids means we are willing to take the risk. He might be questioning having life changing surgery which does carry risk and isn’t 100% necessary (there are lots of alternatives).

@SunflowerTed yes we get it. You've made your point move on with it cos your starting to sound like a broken record

Completely.. I was left with a health issue from pregnancy.. which I still have.. weirdly it is managed a lot better and I’m healthier after my second pregnancy.. it took me about 7 years before I could even think about doing it again.. mum in my mid 20s and again in mid 30s.

Could you get a coil fitted then double up contraception with condoms? Pregnancy would be very unlikely if you did this but if by miracle you did fall pregnant you don't have to go through with the pregnancy. There's so many different options without making your dp have a vasectomy.

There's so many reasons not to do this as stated in this thread:

You could change your mind in years to come. I've known women who had difficult births/pregnancy and went on to have more.

Something could happen to you and he might want to remarry and have children.

You could split up and he might want more dc as he's still young.

Most importantly, it's his body and he shouldn't be forced to do something he doesn't want to do with it.

As are you with the stamp stamp stamp why should I look after my own health WAAAAAH

Bluntly, yes you are. You can't make someone have surgery that they don't want to have and it's irrelevant that they're different procedures.

If you don't want to have children again and you refuse to rely on contraception, you would be better off getting sterilised than expect that every single partner you ever have is going to be forced to get a vasectomy.

I appreciate it's not what you want to hear, but you can't take away other people's body autonomy for any reason. It's cruel.

i think some of the rpelies are harsh-yes it is his body he can do as he pleases
but they had discussions numerous times about this and he said it was the best option

now op has to decide whther to have surgery herself after her dangerous birth while he gets away with doing nothing to prevent another dc

@Sunnymummy8 that's good to hear! I'm glad there is a positive outlook to a relatively negative seeming thing

I sympathise with your hurt.. I would be too

@whynotwhatknot don't you know we are women and that's what we have (somewhere) signed up for being biologically female! As with everything in life men get away squat free