Page 5 | AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

Xandria22 · 2023-10-13T09:21:02+00:00

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids! We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’ We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request. The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him). I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

Heyhoherewegoagain · 13/10/2023 11:23

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

😂😂😂

Deathbyfluffy · 13/10/2023 11:23

Frazzledandfried · 13/10/2023 10:54

4 years ago my DP was best man at his mates wedding. The bride to be invited me to go suit shopping with the blokes, and as soon as we got there sat me down (I was pregnant at the time) and said " we need to talk about the baby." My due date was 4 weeks before the wedding and she was adamant that the baby would not be able to be with me if I was a guest at the wedding. She said we could pay a childminder of their choosing to look after the baby at the venue but it wouldn't be allowed in the church, or at the reception as she didn't want any interruptions. I didnt go, stayed at home bonding with my daughter and we haven't spoken since 🤷‍♀️
No way was I leaving my EBF 4 week old with a total stranger.

Nothing seems unreasonable about this - she said the baby wasn’t welcome, you didn’t go, everyone’s happy.

Not sure I can see the problem!

newYear10 · 13/10/2023 11:24

Yanbu in that it's fine for not wanting older children there, but small 4mo babies? No, I wouldn't attend anything that required me to leave my small baby alone. My dh is perfectly capable of doing anything I can do but I didn't want to. Fortunately we don't know such people.

PickledPurplePickle · 13/10/2023 11:24

YABU - she said no children, and yet you have gone ahead and asked anyway

Does she know that OH is going to be in the hotel for her hen do? I wouldn't be happy with that either

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 11:25

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:16

She is probably wondering why someone is asking to bring a child along, when the invite clearly didn't include children.

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The thing is, it isn't clear. Some people assume that 'no children' doesn't include babes in arms because often, it doesn't. For example you don't buy a ticket for a babe in arms at the theatre. They don't take up a seat or any resources unlike an older child.

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:25

Deathbyfluffy · 13/10/2023 11:23

Nothing seems unreasonable about this - she said the baby wasn’t welcome, you didn’t go, everyone’s happy.

Not sure I can see the problem!

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Agreed, imagine not speaking to someone just because they choose not to have a very young baby at their wedding, and took the time to make it clear to you that the baby wasn't invited so there was no confusion.

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:26

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 11:25

The thing is, it isn't clear. Some people assume that 'no children' doesn't include babes in arms because often, it doesn't. For example you don't buy a ticket for a babe in arms at the theatre. They don't take up a seat or any resources unlike an older child.

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I have never met anyone who would think that someone not included on an invite is somehow invited anyway. If you cannot make it because of your baby that is a shame, but once you have kids you often have to forego/adapt, because not everyone wants kids around, and that's their choice.

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:27

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 11:22

I always advise people to make it very clear on the invite what the wedding is, who's invited and what to expect. Never assume. Pretend all your guests are a bit daft.

If you have a theme or style, state that.
If it's not a sit down meal, state that.
If it's absolutely no children incl babies, state that.
If it's no kids and babies but there will be certain children who are close relatives coming, state that.

Also, talk to people directly who may be impacted by your choices. If someone has a young baby and you don't want babies at the wedding, give them a call and explain.

^This.

OP's situation would have been completely avoided if it just stated no children/ babies on the invite.

It sounds to me like the bride is not all that comfortable with her choice for some reason (even though it's a perfectly fine/ normal thing to do!) She should have just put it on the invite to clarify it for everyone.

Intriguedbythis · 13/10/2023 11:27

I would not DREAM of asking a friend or even an acquaintance to leave a breast fed tiny baby so they could come to a party ( essentially what a wedding is) to celebrate me. Can completely understand older kids but no. Not a baby that needs to feed from their mother.

And I wouldn’t attend a wedding if they couldn’t accommodate a 4 month old.

the bride is being extremely unreasonable and frankly pathetic if she expects you to drop the baby to celebrate her.

DisappearingGirl · 13/10/2023 11:27

I think your message is totally fine, especially as you've said you won't be offended either way. But I like people being open and straightforward!

To people saying you should have said "sorry we can't come due to baby" - well then the friend might have thought you just don't want to go, she wouldn't have known you'd be happy to attend with baby if that's an option.

Cowlover89 · 13/10/2023 11:30

YANBU X

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:30

Intriguedbythis · 13/10/2023 11:27

I would not DREAM of asking a friend or even an acquaintance to leave a breast fed tiny baby so they could come to a party ( essentially what a wedding is) to celebrate me. Can completely understand older kids but no. Not a baby that needs to feed from their mother.

And I wouldn’t attend a wedding if they couldn’t accommodate a 4 month old.

the bride is being extremely unreasonable and frankly pathetic if she expects you to drop the baby to celebrate her.

The bride is not being unreasonable - no children and invited and if OP cannot/chooses not to attend because of having a young baby, then so be it.

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:31

Regarding my insta perfect comment.
Asking for a child free wedding? Fine. I've been tk plenty including ones of close friends.
Arranging to go suit shopping with your best friend then blind siding them by saying they can't bring their 4 week old but you'll pay for a sitter of their choice (which is what happened to the pp I replied to)? Not fine. To me that shows quite a large lack of understanding for a new parent and could have been handled much better. Nothing wrong with saying "sorry but child free is child free - have a chat between you and let us know if you can make it or not, we would love you there but can understand if it isn't possible", but not to go about it like that!

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:31

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:27

^This.

OP's situation would have been completely avoided if it just stated no children/ babies on the invite.

It sounds to me like the bride is not all that comfortable with her choice for some reason (even though it's a perfectly fine/ normal thing to do!) She should have just put it on the invite to clarify it for everyone.

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OP's situation would have been completely avoided if it just stated no children/ babies on the invite.

In what word does not mentioning them on the invite (by name or as 'and family') remotely suggest that they are in fact invited?

Crunchingleaf · 13/10/2023 11:35

A relative of my husbands asked if they could bring their baby to our wedding (they left their older kids with family). They were planning on coming a couple hours drive and baby was Breastfed. We said yes. They couldn’t have come without their baby. People make a big effort to go to a wedding to celebrate with you so a bit of understanding goes along way.
Baby was very good and looked lovely in her little dress. Even if baby had gotten a bit upset or something I wouldn’t have cared as I was too busy enjoying the day with my husband.

You have your answer OP by the lack of response.

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:36

Crunchingleaf · 13/10/2023 11:35

A relative of my husbands asked if they could bring their baby to our wedding (they left their older kids with family). They were planning on coming a couple hours drive and baby was Breastfed. We said yes. They couldn’t have come without their baby. People make a big effort to go to a wedding to celebrate with you so a bit of understanding goes along way.
Baby was very good and looked lovely in her little dress. Even if baby had gotten a bit upset or something I wouldn’t have cared as I was too busy enjoying the day with my husband.

You have your answer OP by the lack of response.

It was your choice to do that, just as others might choose to be stricter with the no children rule (and end up with some guests unable to come). There is no right or wrong.

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:37

In what word does not mentioning them on the invite (by name or as 'and family') remotely suggest that they arein fact invited?

My kids names have never been on invitations when they've actually been invited. I always check with the couple to clarify. I would say about 50% of the time they were invited despite not being mentioned.
It is actually clear when they aren't invited, when people put 'adult only wedding' or 'babes in arms only' on the invitations.

crumblylancs · 13/10/2023 11:38

Why don't you just ring her and clear it all up before the hen

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 11:38

Acornsoup · 13/10/2023 11:12

Honestly I wouldn't go to a hen party for an evening invite at a wedding.

I don't think YABU. Your friend is in bridezilla mode, but the world doesn't revolve around her.

I don't think your message sounded cheeky either - she's a bit of a dick for not replying and tittle tattling to 'the girls'.

One less Christmas card?

And also the world doesn't revolve around babies is the op being "mumzilla" for sending a frankly emotionally manipulative ,message to her friend?

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:39

Warum · 13/10/2023 11:31

OP's situation would have been completely avoided if it just stated no children/ babies on the invite.

In what word does not mentioning them on the invite (by name or as 'and family') remotely suggest that they are in fact invited?

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Well whichever way you look at it, it has obviously caused confusion or OP wouldn't be posting about it, would she?

Babes in arms/ breastfed babies are usually permitted at things that otherwise don't allow children anyway.

Simply stating 'no children or babies' would have mitigated the confusion. Why is that controversial at all?

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 11:39

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

No, they are not always welcome. You'd have to be quite socially inept to assume your baby is "always welcome" anywhere, tbh.

Wavessea · 13/10/2023 11:40

Why do the bride and groom have to be understanding because of others life choices? you chose to have kids and with this must come the understanding that your life has changed and that is for no one else to appease you or change their plans. You made the choice to have kids get over it and stop thinking you are entitled to extra because of this.

and why are wedding invites always up for grabs?

why is it any different from a hen/stag do/nights out? Bring the kids out clubbing…no because it’s not designed for kids to be clubbing at night just like weddings are not designed for babies or kids. Why do weddings mean you have the right to bring kids??

you made this choice so it comes with compromise such as not being able to go to places you want, or being able to go to a wedding etc
your decision for your life means you can’t do what you used to do not the problem of the bride

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 11:42

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:37

In what word does not mentioning them on the invite (by name or as 'and family') remotely suggest that they arein fact invited?

My kids names have never been on invitations when they've actually been invited. I always check with the couple to clarify. I would say about 50% of the time they were invited despite not being mentioned.
It is actually clear when they aren't invited, when people put 'adult only wedding' or 'babes in arms only' on the invitations.

The couple probably told you they were ok to come because you were rude enough to raise the question in the first place, not because they were actually invited.

Ladyj84 · 13/10/2023 11:44

All the night dos we've been to I wouldn't want my babies around loud music to long anyhow.

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 11:47

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 11:25

The thing is, it isn't clear. Some people assume that 'no children' doesn't include babes in arms because often, it doesn't. For example you don't buy a ticket for a babe in arms at the theatre. They don't take up a seat or any resources unlike an older child.

Show quote history

It IS very clear. No children means no children.

If the kids names are not on the invitation, they are not invited. It could not be more clear.

Sometimes the bride and groom make an exception for SOME children, such as a flower girl/ niece, but that's their prerogative.

What is sadly too clear is how many people are CF, think the rules don't apply to them, and rudely pressure the bride and groom to accept their kids. People are too polite to decline, but they must be wishing they invited someone else.