Page 6 | AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

Xandria22 · 2023-10-13T09:21:02+00:00

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids! We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’ We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request. The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him). I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:47

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 11:42

The couple probably told you they were ok to come because you were rude enough to raise the question in the first place, not because they were actually invited.

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Not really. This was the case at our wedding, all kids were invited even though they sometimes weren't mentioned on the invite.

But I feel like the basic takeaway from this thread is that invitations should be as clear as possible, both in terms of naming who is invited and stating whether the wedding is adults only.

I mean more clarity is never a bad thing, is it?

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 11:48

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:31

Regarding my insta perfect comment.
Asking for a child free wedding? Fine. I've been tk plenty including ones of close friends.
Arranging to go suit shopping with your best friend then blind siding them by saying they can't bring their 4 week old but you'll pay for a sitter of their choice (which is what happened to the pp I replied to)? Not fine. To me that shows quite a large lack of understanding for a new parent and could have been handled much better. Nothing wrong with saying "sorry but child free is child free - have a chat between you and let us know if you can make it or not, we would love you there but can understand if it isn't possible", but not to go about it like that!

I have a totally different take on that:

It wasn't her best friend, it was the best man's partner, 2. She was hardly blind-sided, blind-siding her would have been her turning up as a guest to the wedding and the baby being directed to a childminder there and then, and 3. the bride did at least make an effort to accommodate the parents and baby by suggesting a possible solution to allow them to attend. Okay, that suggestion was unacceptable to the parents (fairly, IMO) but at least the bride tried to help them attend and didn't just say no babies?

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 11:48

I would say about 50% of the time they were invited despite not being mentioned.

😂😂😂

I would say 100% of the time they were NOT invited but the couple were too nice to say no.

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 11:48

Ladyj84 · 13/10/2023 11:44

All the night dos we've been to I wouldn't want my babies around loud music to long anyhow.

You are right, the night do Is the party why anybody would want a little baby there is beyond me.

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:49

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 11:48

I would say about 50% of the time they were invited despite not being mentioned.

😂😂😂

I would say 100% of the time they were NOT invited but the couple were too nice to say no.

Nope. We didn't mention some kids by name on our wedding invitations but they were all very welcome.

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:50

The couple probably told you they were ok to come because you were rude enough to raise the question in the first place, not because they were actually invited.

Given that many of these people are long term friends of 20 years, I have absolutely no problem texting them "so exciting to get your invite in the post today, just to check would you like us to look in to childcare for X and Y or are they invited? Just let me know!" and for them to reply "if you could ask about childcare that would be great" or "bring them with you and let them get all dressed up!". Not being able to have normal adult conversations with friends for fear of being perceived as rude is weird.

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 11:50

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:47

Not really. This was the case at our wedding, all kids were invited even though they sometimes weren't mentioned on the invite.

But I feel like the basic takeaway from this thread is that invitations should be as clear as possible, both in terms of naming who is invited and stating whether the wedding is adults only.

I mean more clarity is never a bad thing, is it?

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The invitation being extended to the named invitees only is actually clear enough for most people...

Namerequired · 13/10/2023 11:51

She’s your oldest friend, you are going to huge effort for her hen night so I assume yous are important to eachother. I don’t see that you are unreasonable in your request at all, and why she wouldn’t be happy with it. You also gave her the option of saying no. I mean what other options would you have.

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 11:51

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:49

Nope. We didn't mention some kids by name on our wedding invitations but they were all very welcome.

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and you expected the parents to be mind-readers?

Why wouldn't you mention the guests who are invited? That's just weird.

LadybirdLover · 13/10/2023 11:52

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

No, babes in arms are not always welcome.

They certainly wouldn’t have been welcomed at my wedding and would have been turned away.

StarlightLime · 13/10/2023 11:53

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:50

The couple probably told you they were ok to come because you were rude enough to raise the question in the first place, not because they were actually invited.

Given that many of these people are long term friends of 20 years, I have absolutely no problem texting them "so exciting to get your invite in the post today, just to check would you like us to look in to childcare for X and Y or are they invited? Just let me know!" and for them to reply "if you could ask about childcare that would be great" or "bring them with you and let them get all dressed up!". Not being able to have normal adult conversations with friends for fear of being perceived as rude is weird.

This isn't a "normal adult conversation", though, is it? It's feigning ignorance of something that should be perfectly clear and putting someone on the spot.
Clearly, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't 😂

verdantverdure · 13/10/2023 11:53

I've seen brides to be get huffy about people saying they can't come unless they can bring their breastfed young babe in arms, then a year or two later had to listen to those huffy bride's own feelings of injustice when a new bride to be has got huffy with them regarding their own breastfed young babe in arms.

Can you ring ger and speak to her?

RedPony1 · 13/10/2023 11:53

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

of course you ask!!

PestilencialCrisis · 13/10/2023 11:54

It is your oldest friend. You have between now and December to pump a couple of bottles. Why not pump and go for a couple of hours? You say you don't have anyone to look after the baby, but can't your husband look after the baby? You don't have to both go.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 13/10/2023 11:55

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/10/2023 11:20

I mean, invite babies or don’t, I fully agree that’s the bride and groom’s prerogative, but I don’t see what age has to do with it. Dh and I married young and didn’t have children, but we both understood that parents don’t always have the option of leaving a small baby. Surely that’s obvious.

It’s unfair to assume that all those who are young and childless have no awareness of life outside of their own bubble. Whether or not they do/should care is a different discussion.

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I probably shouldn't have included my age as that wasn't really my point. I accept that I am an outlier but due to my parents' age and our minimal extended family I simply didn't meet any babies at all until my friends started having them in their late twenties. If you are from a large family where someone has a baby every few years then there is a whole corpus of knowledge that you build up over time of all sorts of things that really aren't obvious to someone who hasn't had those experiences.

It's like anything practical - you learn it when you need to.

gerteddy · 13/10/2023 11:56

You asked in a perfectly nice way. I'd be upset that she seems to have taken offence. Is she always such a drama Queen?

Tempnamechng · 13/10/2023 11:58

I don't think you were wrong to ask, and I don't think she would be wrong to say no. I had a big family wedding with children welcome, which was my choice, I have also been to child free weddings, which is the wedding couple's choice. My only comparison is that I had a big party for friends in a restaurant for a significant birthday. Sil wanted to bring her ebf baby but I wanted a party night piss up, so said no. Ebf was a choice that I made for my own babies when they were very little btw, but the trade off is that its very restricting.

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:59

This isn't a "normal adult conversation", though, is it? It's feigning ignorance of something that should be perfectly clear and putting someone on the spot.
Clearly, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't 😂

No, I would say being able to ask a friend a completely reasonable question when the invitation isn't clear is pretty normal. Not being able to do this suggests a bit of a people pleasing complex, just ask the question and make it very clear if the answer you're going to get is "no" then it isn't a problem.

Other times wedding invitations haven't been clear:
I turned up to a 1pm ceremony and there was no food for the entire day, even at night. Probably should have been on the invitation. Most wedding guests left at dinner time to find fast food places, some returns with KFC bargain buckets for other guests who had been drinking so couldn't leave. Didn't go down well with the couple but a heads up on no food all day is kind of vital.

When the ceremony was actually at 3pm but the couple put "arrival from 1pm" on the invitation because they wanted to give the guests "time to mingle". As you can imagine, everyone was a bit pissed off.

The point of this is invitations should be very clear but IMO if they aren't, just ask and stop fucking tiptoeing about!

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 13/10/2023 11:59

I think you need to put this in perspective. usually one or two missing friends aren’t really noticed at a wedding but bringing a baby when everyone else is told no creates tension. Yabu. Just decline. It’s not about you.

ThanksItHasPockets · 13/10/2023 12:01

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 11:09

I don't see anything 'esoteric' about thinking that an adults only wedding should state explicitly on the invitation that it is adults only.

I have never been to an adults only wedding that didn't spell it out on the invitation. That is how you avoid situations like this.

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You have told us that in your social circle it is normal not to know the names of your friends' children and to assume that your children are invited to all events unless you are specifically told otherwise. That is absolutely grand and I am sure it works perfectly for you all but as you have probably gleaned from the reaction of pp on this thread it is not the usual way of doing things.

It is important to have diversity of opinion and experience on a forum but it's also helpful to acknowledge that your social circle's conventions probably don't apply to the OP.

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 12:02

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 11:47

It IS very clear. No children means no children.

If the kids names are not on the invitation, they are not invited. It could not be more clear.

Sometimes the bride and groom make an exception for SOME children, such as a flower girl/ niece, but that's their prerogative.

What is sadly too clear is how many people are CF, think the rules don't apply to them, and rudely pressure the bride and groom to accept their kids. People are too polite to decline, but they must be wishing they invited someone else.

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This was literally my career. I've worked on hundreds of weddings and events. It's not as black and white as you say it is.

Many, many, many times people say no children when what they actually mean is babes in arms are fine. That's why you can take young babies places where children are not permitted and aren't charged anything for them being there.

Some people who are very set on no children typically state no children or babies.

Warum · 13/10/2023 12:04

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 11:37

In what word does not mentioning them on the invite (by name or as 'and family') remotely suggest that they arein fact invited?

My kids names have never been on invitations when they've actually been invited. I always check with the couple to clarify. I would say about 50% of the time they were invited despite not being mentioned.
It is actually clear when they aren't invited, when people put 'adult only wedding' or 'babes in arms only' on the invitations.

Babes in arms? In other words younger children, whose names have not been included?

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 12:05

ThanksItHasPockets · 13/10/2023 12:01

You have told us that in your social circle it is normal not to know the names of your friends' children and to assume that your children are invited to all events unless you are specifically told otherwise. That is absolutely grand and I am sure it works perfectly for you all but as you have probably gleaned from the reaction of pp on this thread it is not the usual way of doing things.

It is important to have diversity of opinion and experience on a forum but it's also helpful to acknowledge that your social circle's conventions probably don't apply to the OP.

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But this is why invites need to be clear. A few people have said it's fine to ask the question so obviously people have different views. Just because more people see it one way doesn't mean that others don't see it a different way.

Technically there is no right and wrong. It's not wrong to have a kid free wedding. It's not wrong to double check if that includes babes in arms. It's not wrong for them to not be invited either.

Warum · 13/10/2023 12:07

How is it unclear that if a person/child/baby is not invited on the actual invitation that they are in fact not invited?

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 12:09

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 12:02

This was literally my career. I've worked on hundreds of weddings and events. It's not as black and white as you say it is.

Many, many, many times people say no children when what they actually mean is babes in arms are fine. That's why you can take young babies places where children are not permitted and aren't charged anything for them being there.

Some people who are very set on no children typically state no children or babies.

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if this was correct, it would mean guests are mind-readers and must know when "no children" will actually mean or not mean no children?

That's ridiculous 😂

It has nothing to do with being charged or not, it's about the disruption!

I have never met anyone saying they'd put "no children" on invitation but meaning said kids are actually invited, without specifically telling or adding a little note on the invitation.