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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 10:24

She specifically said no children it was really up to you to go or not, I don't blame her for not replying she's probably stressed and your request is maybe her feel awkward, just don't go if you can't leave the baby.

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 10:25

Well she did say no children because their names were not on the invite it's you that has caused "confusion " there is no confusion.

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 10:26

Hmm I don't think you were totally BU, I got married recently (child-free wedding) but my pregnant friend went early so had a 2 week old on the wedding day. She sent a similar message (as if I'd have said no!) and it was fine, they all came, but to play devil's advocate, if this is your oldest friend you should probably have had the discussion in person. Also your baby is 4 months old so you knew this was coming (you must have had an idea it would be child-free if she's an old friend?). Also our general rule of thumb was babies up to 6 months would have been fine, but beyond that we'd have preferred them not to come. Maybe that's the position she's in.

Anyway, if you're not invited to the actual ceremony, it seems too much hassle to go tbh.

YouveGotAFastCar · 13/10/2023 10:26

I think she's made it clear that it's no babies/children by not inviting them, though.

And while I've got no strong feelings against messaging her to confirm there's no leeway for babes in arms, your message reads a bit loaded. You've clearly tried hard to make it sound casual but give her an opportunity to say no but it doesn't quite read right.

If she hasn't replied, I think you've got your answer, to be honest. I'd make the decision about the hen do accordingly.

If DH is coming to the hen do to have the baby elsewhere and then prompt you when it's time to feed; do you think they expected that precedent to be true here too?

We had a child-free wedding purely because of the Covid number restrictions; but did allow babes in arms. That did mean some parents messaged us and asked if an exception could be made for X, Y or Z; though, for various reasons, and in the end, there were 10 or so children there between 4 days and 8 years old. We would have been in an awkward position if the Covid numbers hadn't changed, though; as whoever is told they can't have their exception is going to be pretty pissed off that someone else did... and there's no accounting for what people consider important. I can't leave my breastfed 1.5 year old overnight yet - I'd never ask to bring him to a wedding for that reason but I can imagine some people would! Is the toddler more or less important than your 4-month-old? etc.

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 10:28

Yeah I agree with @YouveGotAFastCar , putting in the bit about 'we can't come if you say no' in the first message was a mistake. You should have let her answer yes or no to the baby, and then replied to apologise, you cannot make it etc.

Monkeymonkeymoo · 13/10/2023 10:30

You’re not being unreasonable, you weren’t rude and made it clear you were happy with either option.
Unfortunately when you have a very young breastfed baby that needs feeding every couple of hours then you can’t just leave them.
You gave her the choice so I don’t really know why she’d be unhappy, disappointed maybe, but these things happen. A couple of my close friends missed my wedding because it happened to be very close to when they gave birth and they couldn’t travel. It was a shame but obviously I didn’t blame them, we just caught up later to have a glass of champagne and share photos (both wedding and baby!)

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

Seryse · 13/10/2023 10:31

Have to agree with the pps, the "can't come if baby can't" does seem a bit like slapping an ultimatum down from the get go. The invite did specify no kids so personally, I wouldn't have even asked and just sent well wishes. Maybe drop her another message and apologise for the poorly worded previous message to see if you can smooth it over?

lowestofthelow · 13/10/2023 10:33

I think your request is totally reasonable but the way you have worded it is not. Your final line is quite manipulative, and it is basically issuing an ultimatum to the bride. It didn't need to be said, and would have been kinder to have left it out. I think you need to apologise before the hen do.

Luxell934 · 13/10/2023 10:33

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

um no, you don’t turn up to someone’s wedding day with a baby without even asking.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 13/10/2023 10:35

I'm afraid I think she made it perfectly clear by not including the baby on the invitation.

MN is convinced that there is a Great Exception for babes-in-arms but the problem is that no-one tells brides this, especially if they don't have children of their own. It didn't affect my wedding as I didn't know anyone with babies but I didn't have a clue that this was a 'thing' when I got married at twenty-six.

Warum · 13/10/2023 10:36

The invite makes it clear that children are not invited, thus you have to assume your baby isn't invited. You should have RSVP'd saying sorry you couldn't make it (and maybe added as an aside that you just cannot leave the baby for that length of time). You are basically now asking for special treatment and making her feel awkward. I do understand why you cannot leave the baby, of course.

BretonBlue · 13/10/2023 10:36

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

This is terrible, terrible advice. No-one outside of mumsnet knows about the supposed babes-in-arms rule.

Warum · 13/10/2023 10:37

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

This is really bad advice, if an invite does not include children then do not assume that doesn't include babies!

BirthdayTrash · 13/10/2023 10:39

DrMarshaFieldstone · 13/10/2023 10:35

I'm afraid I think she made it perfectly clear by not including the baby on the invitation.

MN is convinced that there is a Great Exception for babes-in-arms but the problem is that no-one tells brides this, especially if they don't have children of their own. It didn't affect my wedding as I didn't know anyone with babies but I didn't have a clue that this was a 'thing' when I got married at twenty-six.

Got we’d at 26 as well and a quarter of our guests were under 5!

Irridescantshimmmer · 13/10/2023 10:39

I know the choice is yours but ask yourself " whose needs are more important ?"

The needs of your vulnerable child who is exclusivly breastfed and whose survival depends on you or your friend?

This is a black and white situation, no grey areas its an easy decision to make for a lot of mums. Babies must come first, selfish adults need to learn to make compromises instead of sticking to their own rigid inflexible and mindless choices.

So if you and your husband decide not to go to their wedding, don't go feeling bad about it and do not let her force you to feel guilty afterwards either.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 13/10/2023 10:40

BirthdayTrash · 13/10/2023 10:39

Got we’d at 26 as well and a quarter of our guests were under 5!

Show quote history

I mean, I could probably have asked at the local nursery if they would let me hire some infants to make up the numbers.

What on earth is your point?!

Thesearmsofmine · 13/10/2023 10:42

She was rude not to reply to you and moan about you to other people. If she is set no babes in arms then she needs to own that and just let you know and accept that means you may not come,

BoohooWoohoo · 13/10/2023 10:43

I suspect that she thinks babies are children so that you are asking to try and get her to make an exception for you.

I understand why you asked (babies are sometimes an exception) but I have kids so understand that point unlike a childless person who would reasonably think that baby is a child.
Does she know that you're breastfeeding? She might assume that breastfed babies can be left with dad and have a bottle of expressed milk for the day.

AmazingSnakeHead · 13/10/2023 10:43

If this is your oldest friend then the message is fine. who tiptoes around good friends? call her if you're worried.

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 10:44

YANBU for asking
She INBU if she says no, it just means you can't go
She IBU for not responding

I know lots of people that have just turned up to weddings with babies without even asking about it so at least you've asked. At 4 months and EBF I'm surprised she thought you would leave the baby with somebody else anyway to be honest and that it hasn't already come up.

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 10:45

@Irridescantshimmmer selfish adults need to learn to make compromises instead of sticking to their own rigid inflexible and mindless choices.

Fml at that whole post. Interestingly, this is absolutely how a lot of women feel about OTT mothers who think the sun shines out their baby's bum and refuse to compromise on anything for fear of delaying a nap 5 minutes.

@BoohooWoohooI have kids so understand that point unlike a childless person who would reasonably think that baby is a child.

Ah yes, childfree women are idiots. I forgot

SoRainbowRhythms · 13/10/2023 10:45

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 10:24

She specifically said no children it was really up to you to go or not, I don't blame her for not replying she's probably stressed and your request is maybe her feel awkward, just don't go if you can't leave the baby.

This. I wouldn't be happy about the hen do either.

VeridicalVagabond · 13/10/2023 10:46

Sayitaintso33 · 13/10/2023 10:31

No need to ask, not only is there no service to disrupt, babes in arms are always welcome alongside their mother, and possibly their father.

This is awful advice, no they're not! If they're having a childfree wedding that means children are not welcome. Last I checked a baby is still a human child.

SoRainbowRhythms · 13/10/2023 10:47

BoohooWoohoo · 13/10/2023 10:43

I suspect that she thinks babies are children so that you are asking to try and get her to make an exception for you.

I understand why you asked (babies are sometimes an exception) but I have kids so understand that point unlike a childless person who would reasonably think that baby is a child.
Does she know that you're breastfeeding? She might assume that breastfed babies can be left with dad and have a bottle of expressed milk for the day.

Jesus wept 😂 now childfree women can't correctly identify a child?

She just doesn't want kids there. And that's her choice and should be respected.

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