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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 13/10/2023 10:47

Just leave her to it op

Are you going to the hen do?

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:48

If the invite didn't explicitly say that it's an adult only event, of course YANBU for asking.

We had kids at our wedding but we didn't put all the kids names on the invites (we didn't even know all their names!) We just assumed people would know their children are invited as the default, because we didn't state 'adults only'. No one contacted us to clarify, they just brought their kids.

I think it's very immature of her to not reply to you, especially when she was vague on the invitation. It would be easy to respond politely saying that it's an adult only event and that she understands you can't make it.

Original poster
Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:48

Perhaps I was just being a bit blunt.
I just wanted to cover all bases and make sure she knew it was okay to say no to me. I wanted to be the opposite of manipulate her - I wanted it to be easy for her to say we’re having no babies, there’s no room etc. I don’t think I’m entitled one bit to bring the baby. But in the same breath I really want to go to celebrate with her.

She doesn’t have children so unsure whether she would understand not being able to leave a breastfed baby (I certainly didn’t understand before I had kids)

I live quite far away from her and so don’t see her often and we haven’t spoken much this year as we’ve both been so busy but we have years like that and it doesn’t affect our friendship when we get together.

OP posts:
Warum · 13/10/2023 10:49

Thesearmsofmine · 13/10/2023 10:42

She was rude not to reply to you and moan about you to other people. If she is set no babes in arms then she needs to own that and just let you know and accept that means you may not come,

'If she is set no babes in arms'

The invite not including children has already made that clear - no children means no children, not 'no children except babies'.

Unfortunately for OP this is a welcome to the world of being a parent, not everywhere is baby friendly and it's up to others to decide whether they want babies at their wedding.

ImADevYo · 13/10/2023 10:50

YANBU OP I'm getting married soon. There's nothing wrong with asking!

@Sayitaintso33 babies are included in the headcount for fire regulations.

LizHoney · 13/10/2023 10:50

Thesearmsofmine · 13/10/2023 10:42

She was rude not to reply to you and moan about you to other people. If she is set no babes in arms then she needs to own that and just let you know and accept that means you may not come,

Agree with this. You're both being reasonable, but she needs to own her decision making.

Does she know your DH and baby are going to the hen location? Not every bride would be keen on that either!

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:50

The invite not including children has already made that clear - no children means no children, not 'no children except babies'.

@Warum It's not though. I didn't even know the names of all my friends' children to include on the invite. We just put couple's names and assumed they would know their kids WERE invited, because we didn't put 'adults only' (and that is what happened - everyone just brought their kids!)

If your wedding is adults only then you need to put that on the invitation.

BretonBlue · 13/10/2023 10:50

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:48

If the invite didn't explicitly say that it's an adult only event, of course YANBU for asking.

We had kids at our wedding but we didn't put all the kids names on the invites (we didn't even know all their names!) We just assumed people would know their children are invited as the default, because we didn't state 'adults only'. No one contacted us to clarify, they just brought their kids.

I think it's very immature of her to not reply to you, especially when she was vague on the invitation. It would be easy to respond politely saying that it's an adult only event and that she understands you can't make it.

Bit late now but the standard etiquette is the exact opposite of what you did. You name the people who are invited and you never assume that your children are invited, even if the invitation doesn't explicitly say 'adults only'. I bet if you asked around the friends who attended your wedding you would find a few who didn't bring their kids because they assumed they weren't invited.

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:51

BretonBlue · 13/10/2023 10:50

Bit late now but the standard etiquette is the exact opposite of what you did. You name the people who are invited and you never assume that your children are invited, even if the invitation doesn't explicitly say 'adults only'. I bet if you asked around the friends who attended your wedding you would find a few who didn't bring their kids because they assumed they weren't invited.

Show quote history

We didn't have anyone leave their kids at home - we had 30+ kids at our wedding. So it can't be that much of a standard etiquette.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 13/10/2023 10:52

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:50

The invite not including children has already made that clear - no children means no children, not 'no children except babies'.

@Warum It's not though. I didn't even know the names of all my friends' children to include on the invite. We just put couple's names and assumed they would know their kids WERE invited, because we didn't put 'adults only' (and that is what happened - everyone just brought their kids!)

If your wedding is adults only then you need to put that on the invitation.

This is absolutely not how it works, at least in the UK or the USA. You never ever assume that your children are invited without checking.

ShellySarah · 13/10/2023 10:52

Yes YABU. You've only been invited to the night party anyway and you can't take a baby to that. You don't have to say yes to every invitation. It doesn't work for you to be away from the baby so your RSVP is no.

Mustreadabook · 13/10/2023 10:52

DrMarshaFieldstone · 13/10/2023 10:35

I'm afraid I think she made it perfectly clear by not including the baby on the invitation.

MN is convinced that there is a Great Exception for babes-in-arms but the problem is that no-one tells brides this, especially if they don't have children of their own. It didn't affect my wedding as I didn't know anyone with babies but I didn't have a clue that this was a 'thing' when I got married at twenty-six.

I think that's kind of the point of asking though. I didn't know you couldn't leave a breastfed baby till I had one. So pointing out that she can't come without baby may be something that the bride hadn't realised, and might make her change her mind.

Possimpible · 13/10/2023 10:53

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:50

The invite not including children has already made that clear - no children means no children, not 'no children except babies'.

@Warum It's not though. I didn't even know the names of all my friends' children to include on the invite. We just put couple's names and assumed they would know their kids WERE invited, because we didn't put 'adults only' (and that is what happened - everyone just brought their kids!)

If your wedding is adults only then you need to put that on the invitation.

Nope, you're wrong. Standard would be 'Jim and Kate + family' if you don't know names, although if I didn't even know their name no chance would they be coming to my wedding...

Janieforever · 13/10/2023 10:53

Bit of emotional blackmail in there I feel. And can you not express and so,your kid can take a bottle? Also how old is the baby? It’s a night do, really not the place for kids. You should have decline and said sorry can’t get anyone to care for baby.

Warum · 13/10/2023 10:53

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:50

The invite not including children has already made that clear - no children means no children, not 'no children except babies'.

@Warum It's not though. I didn't even know the names of all my friends' children to include on the invite. We just put couple's names and assumed they would know their kids WERE invited, because we didn't put 'adults only' (and that is what happened - everyone just brought their kids!)

If your wedding is adults only then you need to put that on the invitation.

If your name is not on the invite you are not invited.
If the wedding party had wanted to include children they would.
In the unlikely event they were including children they didn't know the name of, then it would say the adults names 'and family' (and would likely request a confirmation of how many children/ages - babies would be included in the children). I'd never have assumed my child was invited unless his name was included.

PinkPomeranian · 13/10/2023 10:54

I don't think you've done anything wrong by checking the situation about a baby in arms. We declined a wedding invitation which specified no children because our baby was a few weeks old, thankfully the groom checked why we'd declined and said of course our baby could come. I hadn't mentioned it because I always read that it's not the done thing. You worded your query very politely; I can't see why there would be any issue unless the bride has been under pressure from others.

Frazzledandfried · 13/10/2023 10:54

4 years ago my DP was best man at his mates wedding. The bride to be invited me to go suit shopping with the blokes, and as soon as we got there sat me down (I was pregnant at the time) and said " we need to talk about the baby." My due date was 4 weeks before the wedding and she was adamant that the baby would not be able to be with me if I was a guest at the wedding. She said we could pay a childminder of their choosing to look after the baby at the venue but it wouldn't be allowed in the church, or at the reception as she didn't want any interruptions. I didnt go, stayed at home bonding with my daughter and we haven't spoken since 🤷‍♀️
No way was I leaving my EBF 4 week old with a total stranger.

Janieforever · 13/10/2023 10:54

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:50

The invite not including children has already made that clear - no children means no children, not 'no children except babies'.

@Warum It's not though. I didn't even know the names of all my friends' children to include on the invite. We just put couple's names and assumed they would know their kids WERE invited, because we didn't put 'adults only' (and that is what happened - everyone just brought their kids!)

If your wedding is adults only then you need to put that on the invitation.

That’s really unusual, if it doesn’t say and family I wouldn’t assume kids invited. Very unusual you think folks should say adult names and point out their kids aren’t invited.

ThanksItHasPockets · 13/10/2023 10:55

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:50

The invite not including children has already made that clear - no children means no children, not 'no children except babies'.

@Warum It's not though. I didn't even know the names of all my friends' children to include on the invite. We just put couple's names and assumed they would know their kids WERE invited, because we didn't put 'adults only' (and that is what happened - everyone just brought their kids!)

If your wedding is adults only then you need to put that on the invitation.

You knew these people well enough to invite them to your wedding but not well enough to know their children's names?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 13/10/2023 10:55

You asked a reasonable question in a reasonable way. I take it the bride doesn't have kids??

If she closes to react unreasonably, that's up to her.

Original poster
Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:56

I had planned on going to the hen do.
It’s a meal and party at a big hotel - we will not be the only people there.
I have booked a room where DH will stay and text me to come up when he needs feeding. (DS not DH) there are quite a lot of us going so I don’t think I would be missed if I have to nip out.
Bride will never see either of them if it all goes to plan

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 13/10/2023 10:56

Oldest friend?

Pick up the telephone and have an actual conversation.

Asking internet strangers who don't know either of you to read between the lines and nuances is less likely to resolve this.

Talk to her.

paintingvenice · 13/10/2023 10:56

She’s stressed with the wedding and you’ve given her an ultimatum. Why is it on child free weddings everyone seems to think that they are the exception. The invitation was clear. You should have just said no sorry we can’t due to baby-then it would have been up to her to say, ok if that’s the only reason of course bring baby.

LadybirdLover · 13/10/2023 10:56

YABVU. No kids means no kids.

Of course she isn’t happy - your message to her puts pressure on her to say yes and makes her the bad guy if she says no.

Warum · 13/10/2023 10:57

ThanksItHasPockets · 13/10/2023 10:55

You knew these people well enough to invite them to your wedding but not well enough to know their children's names?

Show quote history

Yes, that sounds like a weird scenario - the only time I can think this might apply is if someone is pregnant at the time of invite, but will have had the child by the time of the wedding (and even then I'd try to put something nice to refer to the baby, if he/she was indeed invited).