AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

Oh dear, I think your reply looked manipulative.
I think the gracious thing to have done would be for you to have replied, "Thanks for your invite but as I am exclusively BF baby, I won't be able to attend".
That leaves her free to invite baby if she wants to make an exception or free to accept you declining.

I don't see anything 'esoteric' about thinking that an adults only wedding should state explicitly on the invitation that it is adults only.

I have never been to an adults only wedding that didn't spell it out on the invitation. That is how you avoid situations like this.

The bride has invited her friend because she wants her there.
The bride has made it clear it's a childfree event.
The bride has left the OP to make her own decision on that.

The OP has introduced awkwardness by asking the bride if the childfree rule doesn't actually apply to one of her children.

The child being young/exclusively breastfeed is a valid reason to decline the invite, it's not a valid reason to ask bride/wedding party to re-answer whether children are included.

From the bride's perspective it is frustrating when you're clear on the invite who's invited and then people still ask to bring more along. It means they have to then be the bad guy and say no or change their plans and say yes. Whatever they say it's a no win for them all because someone can't just gracefully accept the invite as is.

The child(ren) not being included on the invite, either by name or as 'and family' makes it fairly clear they are not invited.

I would duck out of both situations but that’s because I’m a bit petty at times. Hearing she’s annoyed through another friend sounds childish. You and her should have just picked up the phone and spoken to each other.

I wouldn’t have read your message as manipulation but I can see how some people
might.

Fine that you asked, but it is her right to say no, in which case she has to accept you can't go or can't go for very long. I personally can't imagine not having my friends there, for the sake of a baby. We had babies only at our wedding, no children, as I appreciate it's harder to leave babies generally.

Honestly I wouldn't go to a hen party for an evening invite at a wedding.

I don't think YABU. Your friend is in bridezilla mode, but the world doesn't revolve around her.

I don't think your message sounded cheeky either - she's a bit of a dick for not replying and tittle tattling to 'the girls'.

One less Christmas card?

@Acornsoup 'bridezilla mode' - why do you say this?

OP I was a wedding manager for years and very few times did "no kids" also mean "no babes in arms".

I think it was perfectly reasonable to ask and even explain that you sort of need to know so you can decide how to RSVP. Before long she'll be chasing people for answers.

I genuinely don't see how asking the question could upset her so much she can't even reply to you. Maybe she was narked you asked but this is your oldest friend, she really couldn't drop a reply back that said no. If she was annoyed/upset I would have thought she would tell you as well, not bitch about you to other friends.

Personally I think she's behaving quite rude by not replying.

I mean this is the assumption I mean other cultures might be different but generally if you want to know if your kids are invited the invite will say "and family"

YANBU. She should have been a grown up and had the guts to reply to you instead of bitching to other people.

The bride hasn’t planned an evening event suitable for tiny babies. The music will likely be too loud, you shouldn’t take a 4 month old to a night out like that.

They are close enough to be invited to your wedding but you don't know their kids name ?

She is probably wondering why someone is asking to bring a child along, when the invite clearly didn't include children.

And most couples are on a budget venue restrictions so just want the adults there or specific usually family children that's why they make it child free.

It might be their choice but it is a bad choice.

Just as chosing to be a misogynist is a bad choice.

Lol @ThanksItHasPockets Same thoughts as me

I hasn't tread whole thread before I replied

I don't think you did a dreary in thing asking

But worded better would have been

Sorry love to attend your wedding but as baby is bf so we can't come

Then they can reply saying bring baby. Or no probs thanks for letting me know

Why do you think it’s a bad choice?

I had a childfree wedding. No regrets! Definitely a great choice.

What are you on... about ?

I mean, invite babies or don’t, I fully agree that’s the bride and groom’s prerogative, but I don’t see what age has to do with it. Dh and I married young and didn’t have children, but we both understood that parents don’t always have the option of leaving a small baby. Surely that’s obvious.

It’s unfair to assume that all those who are young and childless have no awareness of life outside of their own bubble. Whether or not they do/should care is a different discussion.

I love how narrow-minded people can be on this forum. If they don't agree with you, they're just "wrong".

How dare a bride and groom organise a wedding as their day, and not make it all about you! 😂

In your opinion it is a bad choice. Other opinions exist and are as valid as yours.
Comparing not inviting children to a wedding with misogyny is somewhat ridiculous, and makes your argument look even weaker than it was to start with.

Not unreasonable at all. Of course you can't go without baba if ebf at 4 months. Also as you're only invited to night do and not the party I think it's a bit mean to not allow the baba to come

I always advise people to make it very clear on the invite what the wedding is, who's invited and what to expect. Never assume. Pretend all your guests are a bit daft.

If you have a theme or style, state that.
If it's not a sit down meal, state that.
If it's absolutely no children incl babies, state that.
If it's no kids and babies but there will be certain children who are close relatives coming, state that.

Also, talk to people directly who may be impacted by your choices. If someone has a young baby and you don't want babies at the wedding, give them a call and explain.