AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

firstly congrats on your lovely family! Okay, so here's the thing, IF she says yes to you, there is GOING to be someone else who will feel offended because a) people just like to be offended and b) someone else would have liked to bring their child(ren), and didn't, or couldn't go because the invite essentially said 'no children' but they let her blah blah (and its usually someone pretty high up the guest list like a SIL or Auntie Mavis's daughter or whatever) which is going could cause issues for years for the poor bride. Plus, regardless of how nicely someone words it, a 'either I bring my baby or I can't go' is always going to sound slightly guilt-trippy. You've come up with a good solution for the hen party, could you not do something similar for the actual wedding where baby is kept in a room and you and hubster take turns? No shade as I've been there myself but I was also a wedding photographer for many, many years and have heard so many brides at breaking point because of a series of these seemingly little requests!

That was for @NIClaire who clearly has no concept of what breastfeeding involves.

No I didn't misunderstand you.

I happen to think that whether or not there is already a distance in the friendship, this has the potential to increase or cause it.

Lame attempt at sarcasm, but you do you.

Neither do I. They must be truly desperate for attention, and think that children will take some away from them.

I had children at my wedding, and they were very cute. I didn't even like children at the time (still don't like them that much, as a species).

I would absolutely do my best to accommodate my oldest friend. She clearly doesn't value the friendship all that much.

I don't even like weddings all that much any more. They've gone hideously out of control!!

Good lord, it's so much easier just to say "sorry, we can't come".

The OP and her husband are already going to a ridiculous amount of expense and effort so she can attend the hen do. The idea that they should do that twice in a short space of time for the same people is batshit.

Also, "hubster"? Bleurgh.

If it's a childfree wedding then I would assume babies are included and would just not go if you can't leave your baby. I would give her a chance to respond though, but I myself told people not to bring children to my wedding and I was including babies 100%.

x

How many times!!

THE OP ISN'T GOING.

hmmm, I think I rest my case, I'll carry on suggesting solutions rather than just being unpleasant and I'll go on calling my hubster hubster - sorry, not sorry ;-)

But how many tiny breastfeeding babies will she have? She needs to make her position clear. Most reasonable people understand the difference. All she has to do is say no. Some requests are ridiculous but this is not one of them.

Well if you read the OP's posts you'll see that she has already considered that but the only rooms available are extortionate and not even at the wedding venue.

I had children at my wedding, and they were very cute. I didn't even like children at the time

That's pretty much us at our wedding @Treesinmygarden but it felt right to have all the generations there - a 'proper' wedding. We have had friends and family that have gone off and got married alone - each to their own - and actually that suited me down to the ground as I don't particularly like weddings anyway (mine was great though!)

Not read the whole thread, but YANBU to ask. We were really embarrassed that some of our wedding guests went to enormous trouble to leave their new-born with someone for our wedding. The truth was that it just hadn't occurred to us to mention that the baby would be welcome (they hadn't even been conceived when we drew up the guest list, let alone born!).

we had our ‘proper’ wedding - no children or babies. London hotel with 250 guests (all for the full event - no separate invites for day and evening. Black tie dress code. Five course dinner. Jazz band. It was an amazing day.
Why is it only a proper wedding with children and babies?

I had nobody at my wedding. Wonder if that wasn't proper too!

(Had a childfree party a year later).

Such a shame that your guests had to stand around in their black tie finery, unable to dance without a toddler to show them how.

I don't think this is U at all! Even child free weddings usually allow for babies. They aren't a nuisance (small babies often sleep most of the day and are easily settled with milk etc.), they don't count towards wedding numbers so no additional costs for bride and groom and, as you've said, can't be left if they are EBF. I think you're friend is the one being U here, especially as she should have replied to your message rather than ghosting you, but that's just my take on it.

One of my friends got married at Greta Green with another bride and groom as their witnesses. They had a brilliant day and it avoided any hassles.

Why is it only a proper wedding with children and babies?

If posters want to split hairs or feel a slight when none was intended I meant in our opinion we felt it would be a proper wedding with all the generations there ie a traditional wedding

This sounds incredible, if I got married again this is how I would do it (I'm only married 4 months haha!). Champagne towers and evening dress, I would love it.

@BretonBlueSuch a shame that your guests had to stand around in their black tie finery, unable to dance without a toddler to show them how.

😂😂

@Mothership4two I actually know what you mean about having all the generations there, traditional family wedding etc. But thing is, the youngest person in either family was 26 when I got married. So we did have all the generations there at an adult-only wedding. If I'd made a point of making it child-friendly the children would have been friends' children and tbh I don't know them or particularly want to be around them.

No you don't want random children at your wedding @Possimpible! 😂

Congratulations btw

I mean you said she was an old friend and you were making the effort to be there for her even if you were just invited for the night do. You understood the no children policy and only asked to bring the child that couldn't be without you. You asked respectfully, and said you wouldn't take offence.

It's her wedding and her choice and she has a right to decide who gets to be there or not. So she could have respectfully said no to you and it would've been fine.

But her telling a third person and you finding out through them has made it a bigger deal than it needed to be and more awkward than it needed to be.

I don't think you're in the wrong tbh.

@Mothership4two

traditional and proper are two very different things, it’s not splitting hairs to make that distinction

Ah there you are then@SoRainbowRhythms - that's closed down my contribution, thank you.

Proceed. 🙄