AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

I wasn’t aware my toenails had gained sentience, opposable thumbs, and a mumsnet account. Congratulations?

I suspect she understands fine well, and doesn't want the baby there, whether that means op is there or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, I would. Someone else’s wedding isn’t about me, and it’s not for me to demand it get changed to suit me. Either I can go, or I can’t.

Given the popularity of childfree weddings, yes, I do think people largely consider them to be normal and acceptable. The exact scenario you’ve outlined? Some will, some won’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ The ones that wouldn’t? Oh well. If it not my wedding then what I consider to be reasonable or unreasonable is entirely irrelevant tbh.

oh, and OP says she’s getting pushback from ‘someone else’, not ‘a close family member’. Again something you’ve decided to make up.

Fair enough.

But let's hope bridezilla isn't still going to be whingeing a year from now when members of her family/in laws still think she is a dick.

@MargotBamborough

im sure the bride will have a fab day and look back on her special day fondly for years to come 😊
which is exactly how it should be isn’t it

I doubt she'll even be thinking about them tbh.

I see you’ve decided that ‘pushback from someone else’ means that her family are against this 😂

It's right there in the OP's posts.

The reason she bitched about the OP to a friend was allegedly because she was in the middle of complaining about someone who is bringing their kids to the ceremony objecting to being asked to take them home before the party.

The OP thinks the day event is limited to very small numbers, so this suggests that the person who has complained is a family member with kids.

The OP has confirmed that the venue is in the middle of nowhere, making taking your kids away before the party a logistically complicated thing to do if you intend to stay until the end.

This is, for the avoidance of doubt, a completely unreasonable thing to ask a family member to do, and a completely reasonable thing to complain about being asked to do.

The bride and groom are entitled to be as unreasonable as they like and inconvenience their guests as much as they want. It's their day, as you keep saying. What they can't do is control how other people react to that or how it affects their relationships with the people they have upset and inconvenienced.

You are determined that the decision not to allow children at her wedding will result in the wedding being a dreary miserable experience that will not only ruin the day itself, but will have the bride still howling in anguish a year later, @MargotBamborough !
Your posts suggesting this will happen positively drip with glee, it's quite disturbing.
Are you still this bitter because nobody wanted your baby at their wedding?

I don’t know why these Bridezilla’s get so weird about kids at weddings. We had a small wedding and, apart from our three kids, we had 4 others (between 6-13) plus a breastfeeding newborn. No problem whatsoever.

No, I've said repeatedly that a child free wedding is not the issue. It is the bride's behaviour that is the problem. And her apparent unwillingness to understand that her decisions may have an impact on her relationship with other people.

I've only been to a couple of weddings since having a baby and my son was invited to both. My own wedding was not particularly child friendly but we left it up to our guests to decide whether to bring their children or leave them at home. Most chose to leave their children at home. The two babies who did attend were no bother.

I’m 100% with you on this one and can’t understand the comments against. I think perhaps if someone hasn’t breastfed a baby before they just can’t quite understand that the baby is basically an addendum to you, so if they are not inviting the baby, they are effectively not inviting you. I’ve been in this position lots recently and it’s really frustrating. With my set of circumstances, I too had no option to pump or to get childcare etc and it’s a complete dealbreaker for me. If I was to give formula my supply would diminish (which in my case takes colossal effort to maintain) so I just can’t go. What a shame, there seems to be a big contingent of ‘no kids at weddings’ people these days but lots of these are getting married having not had kids and just don’t know what it’s like. So many of us have zero grandparental support, live far away from each other these days and struggle at the best of times to do the best for our babies. I do understand that it’s their wish and they are inviting you but as I said it’s effectively like not inviting you. Just a rubbish situation!

never mind the friends and family, are you going to be over this a year from now?

What OP said:
“My message landed when she was having some backlash from somebody else about their child having to go home”

nothing about any family members having a problem with this. You’ve decided that it’s a family member all on your own.

What we know is that two people have a problem with this and pushed back. Two. Highly unlikely the bride is going to be gnashing her teeth and wailing as she’s cast into social and familial exile.

If it's a very small day do and very close friends are evening only guests, then who do you think is bringing their kids to the ceremony?

Of course it's a family member.

My best friend recently got married and one of the other bridesmaids was breastfeeding. They got an extra hotel room and brought a cousin to sit upstairs with the kids. It’s expensive but so is your friends wedding - and it’s their day not yours. You’ve essentially made bride feel guilty for wanting her perfect day, you may not have intended to do that but that is what you’ve done. It’s not
your wedding, you can choose to go or not go. I think going to the hen do for a couple of hours is surely do-able if your other half is nearby in a cafe up the road or something. You say they’re your oldest friend but doesn’t seem like you’re thinking about the bride at all.

Or, you know, another guest with children that isn’t a family member.

Quit making shit up. You don’t know if it’s a family member, you’ve just decided it is because that best suits your narrative. Although even if it is, it’s a grand total of ONE.

So someone who is important enough to be invited to the very small day event, but not so important that they can't be asked to fuck off before the party starts?

Shocking behaviour.

I can't understand the mentality of people who treat their nearest and dearest like this.

And I'd still bet a large sum of money that it IS a family member.

It's been said already that your oldest friend doesn't necessarily remain your closest friend.

Op has clearly been relegated to second division; it doesn't mean there aren't other friends invited to the ceremony itself.

Imagine treating your best friends like that.

@MargotBamborough

obviously the bride doesn’t give a shit. I don’t know why you think she would be upset about it years down the line

SHE CLEARLY IS NOT THE BRIDE'S BEST FRIEND ANYMORE.
Don't know what you're not getting.

Because the bride clearly hasn't told one of her friends to bring their kids to the very small day event and then have them removed before the party. No one does that.

It'll be someone whose kids are only invited because they have to be, i.e. a family member, and someone who doesn't feel able to just say, "fuck that for a game of soldiers, if you want my child to be whisked away after the photos we will just not come", i.e. a family member.

This kind of thing causes resentment in families, whether you like it or not.

It won't be a friend because if you treat friends like that they soon become ex friends.

I'm referring to the person attending the day event with their kids, who you seem to be insisting isn't a family member.

Conversely, why isn’t the bride important enough to them that they respect her wishes for her own wedding? She is to the other guests that aren’t complaining. Hell, for all we know they may be very happy for the wedding party to be childfree, and prefer it to be.

Actually, if we’re making shit up then let’s go with that one - the other guests want it to be a childfree, and would be unhappy if the bride changed her mind and invited children, making the event significantly less enjoyable for them. If that’s the case, does that mean the complaining guest should be considered more important than not only the bride and groom, but also the other guests?

They’re not important enough to demand a wedding that isn’t their own be changed to suit them, no. If they want that level of importance in regards to a wedding, they can have their own.

No one has insisted it isn’t a family member. We don’t know whether it is or isn’t. You’re the one that’s decided it definitely is, because you would prefer it to be.

I'm not insisting anything! You are 🤯