AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

Because her wedding just isn't that big a deal to anybody except the bride and groom.

For most people it's an expensive ball ache.

It becomes even more of an expensive ball ache if you're told you need to remove your children - to, where, exactly? - between the ceremony and the party.

I honestly can't understand the mentality of people who think it's acceptable to ask their friends and family to inconvenience themselves this much for a bloody wedding. It's up there with destination weddings in places the couple has no connection to, only in this case they are less able to just decline the invitation.

If I were a family member who had been asked to do this I would be bloody tempted to test positive for Covid on the morning of the wedding and enjoy a nice relaxing day in front of Netflix.

I couldn't care less who it is, but based on what the OP has said it seems the most likely scenario.

And bride can complain all she likes about the gall of her sister or sister in law or whoever it is objecting to being put to massive inconvenience for the sake of THE WEDDING, but that won't change her family member's feelings about how they've been treated, will it?

I don't think there's anything wrong with sending a message. Before you have children you don't realise that little babies can't be left and so you kind of have to spell out that you just wouldn't be able to go. This happened to us when our dd was really little. We received a 'save the day' card and booked our flights. The invitation arrived and dd's name wasn't on it. Another friend asked in my behalf so there would be no awkwardness (she was closer to the bride, if it were a close friend, I'd definitely have asked). We couldn't go. Years later, and after the bride had children she admitted she hadn't realized so many people wouldn't be able to go.
There is a difference between a babe in arms and a child that sits at the table.

If it’s an expensive ball ache and not a big to them then they can decline. It is a big deal to the bride and groom though, so I’m not sure why they should ignore their own wishes to best suit someone that isn’t too bothered about it.

Jesus fucking Christ, whoever it is you’re still salty at should extend another invitation cordially inviting you to get the fuck over it.

I agree with what @Hmorris says above, fair enough if you don’t want to have children or babies at your wedding but for any of your guests who have very young breastfed babies they can’t leave, this is basically like not inviting them. Which must be quite hurtful for OP who is under the impression she is a close friend of the bride and she’s going to a lot of effort to attend the hen party, her friend is basically saying she’d rather OP doesn’t come to her wedding at all than have a baby there.

She made a passing comment to a mutual friend.

Theres a difference between thinking it’s likely to be a family member, and declaring with certainty that it is. You’re doing the latter.

Bold assumption that the bride is going to care about whether or not this person is holding a grudge.

If it's a friend's wedding you can of course decline. Although speaking from experience, having declined an invitation to a wedding that wasn't convenient for me, the friendship isn't always the same afterwards.

If it's the wedding of a close family member you can't really. There's huge pressure from the rest of the family to attend.

I'm not "salty" at anyone. I've never been in this situation, or anything similar to it. Really, the closest experience I've had is being invited to a wedding without my long term partner, which I declined for various reasons. And the bride was kind of salty about it.

@MargotBamborough I invited my cousin and her husband to our wedding. Their child would have been six months old at the time but they had to decline the invitation as they didn't have any child care. I said it was a shame but of course I understood and there are no bad feelings between my cousin and I five years on.

I am however, still kind of prickly towards the aunt, uncle and cousin who chose to go to a friend's wedding over mine which was happening on the same day.

None of that is the bride’s problem.

You absolutely can decline if something isn’t convenient for you. Clearly there’s going to be bad feeling whatever choice you make, so just suck it up. Just as your complaints about childfree weddings are the bride’s problem, nor are any complaints about you not attending yours.

The particular bride in question isn’t taking issue with people declining, whereas she is with people pushing back on her wishes for her own fucking wedding.

The reason it'll be a family member is because any friend with an ounce of sense would just say, "Oh. No, I'm not going to come with my kids and then find a complicated way of getting rid of them before the party starts. That doesn't work for me."

They would either find a way to leave their kids at home altogether, which is probably what the bride would prefer anyway, or they would just not come.

It must be someone who feels obliged to attend and whose kids the bride and groom feel they have no choice to invite.

You can't just decline a close family member's wedding on the grounds that you can't be arsed.

That's why the person who pushed back about the ridiculous "you have to take your kids away before the party" rule will be a family member.

Yeah, I’m clear on why you believe it to be a family member. Still not the same thing as knowing it is.

Yes, you can. You can decline for whatever reason you like.

Either way, it doesn't really matter because it's a fucking ludicrous thing to ask someone close to you to do, and so the bride will be dealing with either a family member who thinks she's a twat or a former close friend who thinks she's a twat.

Hope it's worth all the aggro for the sake of one day.

Are any of you actually getting anything out of this circular discussion?

@DrMarshaFieldstone Agreed. Maybe Mumsnet should close it. Anyone know how to tag an admin?

Ok.

🤣🤣🤣

I don't think you are being unreasonable but a few points:

• It's only the evening do so it's not like you'll have a screaming baby in the ceremony. And if they did start crying you could have left the room, it's a party not the actual ceremony
• If she's a close friend maybe you should have called her. But then she may have thought you were putting her on the spot.
• She should at least have replied to you and certainly not told someone else she isn't happy without having the courtesy to tell you that herself. So is she really a close friend?
• I suggest you leave it and take it as a no. But go to the hen party and be normal with her, just don't mention it. And if she raises it, stop the conversation and say leave it, this isn't the time.
• In the circumstances, as she's not responded, I'd politely decline the invitation to the party without giving a reason - she knows exactly what the reason is.
• Maybe one day she'll be in a similar situation and understand.
• Don't break your friendship if it's a good one for the sake of differing views.
• Let's hope she has a perfect wedding in every other way or woe betide anyone who does so!

She's spoken to her and it's all been put to bed.

We went to a wedding once in similar circumstances ie baby breastfeeding. We arranged to stay in the hotel and we arranged a babysitter who could call me when the baby needed fed. It actually did work out ok. Not ideal I know and expensive but if it’s a good friend I think you will always regret not being part of their special day - no one will remember how difficult it was logistically, just that you didn’t manage it.

I agree with others that the message about not coming if you can’t bring the baby has probably upset her. We all need to remember that she’s probably had months of discussion with groom , family etc about how to approach this so it’s likely quite upsetting when people don’t respect that she has thought it all through and made a decision .

I think you did the right thing OP. It doesn't hurt to ask. She may have felt awkward about saying no if you had rung her to ask first. Glad it is all sorted but shame you can't go. In the handful of childfree weddings I have been to there were exceptions for very young babies.

A friend had a child-free wedding in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere and has since said, now she has children of her own, that she didn't realise how inconvenient it was for parents and now regrets it. Not saying that your friend will regret it, but that some childless couples are a bit clueless how much organisation (and costs) go into sorting them out when going to events like this.

If she doesn't want your baby there then why did she bother to invite you?

Surely she must realise a baby that young is likely to be ebf. I think it's really thoughtless if your friend.

And your message was completely reasonable.

No. It doesn’t work like that.

We were invited to weddings and parties when DT’s were tiny. We accepted the invites. DT’s were solely bottle fed and we had family or friends babysitting them.