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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 20:17

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/10/2023 19:45

The problem with occasions like this is that people just go "oh can't you just express and leave baby with someone else" and when ebf you just can't. My son wouldn't take an expressed bottle.
So she probably thinks you are being awkward asking to bring baby. But as you have explained you just wanted to clarify to her. I think a proper conversation is needed that isn't over a text message and that like you said you didn't want her to be offended if you don't go. She's probably just stressed out about the whole thing.

No, she probably thinks it's for op to manage the finer details of juggling a baby and a wedding invitation, and if they prove to be unmanageable, just gracefully decline the invitation.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 20:24

ChristmasKraken · 14/10/2023 19:54

Except it wasn't. The invite didn't have OPs children on it but nowhere has the bride said specifically that it was a child free wedding.

Show quote history

The children were not invited. One would think that was enough for most people.

scoobysnaxx · 14/10/2023 20:35

You're not being unreasonable at all.

You're not asking for special treatment for any of your kids. You're asking because you have a very young baby who is exclusively breastfed. I would ask to clarify whether they could come or not as to me, this might be an exception.

I would also ask in the way you have done - just checking if... absolutely fine if they can't come but we wouldn't be able to make it due to...

There's nothing wrong with asking like this in my opinion.

It's an exclusively breastfed young baby. Fine if the answer is no. But I'd rather double check and clarify rather than just assuming it's definitely a no and declining the invite straight away.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 14/10/2023 21:41

lol, only on MN are you basically evil for prioritising your own wishes for your own wedding over the fact that Brenda from Accounts wants to bring her 3 kids.

FlitterBug · 14/10/2023 21:59

YANBU. I once got told by a longtime friend that if I needed to take my 2 week old baby to the wedding then I was no longer invited. I also exclusively breastfed and so had to decline. I always think if people really want you there they’ll make it work! We clearly weren’t as close as I thought as I didn’t see her again!

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 22:03

@fitzwilliamdarcy everyone thinks Gemma from receptions marriage won't last a year so they're all thinking of excuses not to go (or put in to the gift) 😉 having a baby is a bit drastic but needs must.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 14/10/2023 22:33

I don't think she wants your baby at the wedding. She needs to get back to you though! Obviously it's totally fine for you to say you can't go without the baby....

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 22:34

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 22:03

@fitzwilliamdarcy everyone thinks Gemma from receptions marriage won't last a year so they're all thinking of excuses not to go (or put in to the gift) 😉 having a baby is a bit drastic but needs must.

😂

daliesque · 14/10/2023 22:52

Sigmama · 14/10/2023 18:55

I wouldn't bother asking, just bring the kid, it's not like she's going to throw you out of the wedding

Oh I would. When my partner and I eventually get married we want it strictly childfree. That includes everything from a one day old to one day away from 18 year old.

We do not want children there because we want an adult, sophisticated, black tie type of event. As is our prerogative.

If people we invite would prefer not to come because they don't agree with us or can't find childcare then fine.

It is our both of our second wedding and we are adamant that it will be our choice of celebration. That is no children. Not even family ones and if we get an indication that our wishes are going to be ignored then we will hire a bouncer to turn them away.

tunapokebowl · 14/10/2023 23:29

I think your reply was fine. Always worth checking.

We went to a wedding which the invite specified no children. I messaged the bride to say we'd love to come but our baby would be 6 months so we couldn't leave them (abroad wedding). The bride was shocked I'd even asked and said of course baby was invited.

Equally we went to another wedding where one of the bridesmaids had a 3 month old breastfeeding baby and no exception was made for her. Was a bit shocked at that one!

Voneska · 15/10/2023 02:15

Hi, please just go for a few short hours, have a few drinks and some dancing.
Leave at a reasonable time to return to your children.
Sorted.

burnoutbabe · 15/10/2023 02:34

If this was a black tie evebing dinner then probably a baby wouldn't be appropriate

But if it's the normal disco with a buffet with everyone in the bar or wedding main room then a baby for an hour or so to say hello to bride/friends then head off seems normal.

I'd say no response means friendship over really. You feel awkward chasing for a response and obviously now your only response is just to decline the wedding invite and probably the hen and leave it to her to get beck in touch.

I assume invite to hen came way before you knew it was evening only invite.

Humbugg · 15/10/2023 06:46

I think a lot of these negative messages above are from people who don’t or haven’t breastfed. A baby under 6 months who is exclusively breastfed needs to be with mum.

I had a child free wedding. But I put on the invite that of course anyone with a small baby under 6 months or so was absolutely welcome to bring them along.

OP I would have done the exact same thing as you and messaged the bride explaining you would only be able to attend with baby so she was clear.

Humbugg · 15/10/2023 06:47

daliesque · 14/10/2023 22:52

Oh I would. When my partner and I eventually get married we want it strictly childfree. That includes everything from a one day old to one day away from 18 year old.

We do not want children there because we want an adult, sophisticated, black tie type of event. As is our prerogative.

If people we invite would prefer not to come because they don't agree with us or can't find childcare then fine.

It is our both of our second wedding and we are adamant that it will be our choice of celebration. That is no children. Not even family ones and if we get an indication that our wishes are going to be ignored then we will hire a bouncer to turn them away.

Show quote history

You sound a complete joy to be around

Warum · 15/10/2023 07:07

Humbugg · 15/10/2023 06:46

I think a lot of these negative messages above are from people who don’t or haven’t breastfed. A baby under 6 months who is exclusively breastfed needs to be with mum.

I had a child free wedding. But I put on the invite that of course anyone with a small baby under 6 months or so was absolutely welcome to bring them along.

OP I would have done the exact same thing as you and messaged the bride explaining you would only be able to attend with baby so she was clear.

I have breastfed, for approx 13 months. I can also understand why someone wants a child free (so none at all, not even babies) wedding. Being a parent does mean difficult decisions sometimes or maybe missing out.

Warum · 15/10/2023 07:09

Humbugg · 15/10/2023 06:47

You sound a complete joy to be around

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You're assuming a person's ehole character just because they want a child free wedding?

Humbugg · 15/10/2023 07:13

Warum · 15/10/2023 07:09

You're assuming a person's ehole character just because they want a child free wedding?

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I’m assuming because someone would hire a bouncer for their wedding that they’re an unpleasant person yes.

gotomomo · 15/10/2023 07:13

Seems fair enough to me, I think it's pretty rude not to invite kids anyway. The youngest at my wedding was 6 days old!

Warum · 15/10/2023 07:19

Humbugg · 15/10/2023 07:13

I’m assuming because someone would hire a bouncer for their wedding that they’re an unpleasant person yes.

Show quote history

That's a weird conclusion.
There are bouncers at a whole host of events for a whole host of reasons.

gotomomo · 15/10/2023 07:19

I don't think many are f the posters here breastfed, you cannot leave a breastfed baby for more than an hour or so, mine fed at least every 2 hours, wouldn't take bottles, couldn't be consoled any other way, and it was pretty uncomfortable for me too as my body was used to them feeding. By 6 months I could go a bit longer as they were weaning on solid food. Thankfully everyone I know understood, went to a couple of weddings too, they automatically expected kids to come

Hart92 · 15/10/2023 07:21

So I was a child free bride and didn't even allow our nephew's there but now have a 2 year old and my views have changed.

I think your request is reasonable and I wouldn't force a new breastfeeding Mum to leave their baby an hour away and deal with having to pump in the toilets etc. I would rather have my friend there to see me celebrate with a baby strapped to her in a sling.

A wedding is a big deal, but also is having a newborn and I don't see how you having a baby in a sling will effect her day at all.

I do remember thinking that's crying kids would ruin the meal and ceremony though but there will be loud music etc in the evening so I honestly can't see the problem.

If she doesn't reply, then don't go... But that would be the end of the friendship for me if she can't spare 5 mins to explain why.

Fulltimemumandteacher · 15/10/2023 07:23

Someone said it best. YANBU to ask, she is NBU to say no, she IBU to not reply.

Hart92 · 15/10/2023 07:25

When I was breastfeeding such a small baby, I wouldn't have been able to drink, had massive engorged boobs and spent half the time pumping in the toilet. No thanks!! 🤣 Let alone the poor babe at home alone without both parents. Some babies just don't deal with sitters well at that age!

ShellySarah · 15/10/2023 07:27

I wouldn't force a new breastfeeding Mum to leave their baby an hour away

who is forcing her? Why is not attending never an option here. No one is forcing her to do anything, it doesn't work for her so she says no.

Mouthfulofquiz · 15/10/2023 07:36

The bride is being really weird for not just answering the question (pick up the phone and have a chat maybe?) im not sure I would be going on this hen do without resolving it first. This has all become so awkward for no reason. OP nothing wrong with your initial message. But the bride talking about it so that it gets back to you via someone else is childish.

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