AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

[Xandria22]

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

Yes same. I wouldn’t want to spend money going to someone’s hen do if they couldn’t even be polite enough to reply

Update:
I would have thought the bride would have children there as she has nieces and nephews (not that I think my children automatically get an invite)
I am not at all concerned that the invite is only to the evening reception I imagine that they are having a small wedding .

I messaged my friend and apologised for the bluntness of the message and said friend X had hinted you weren’t happy about the request can I call at a more convenient time to discuss. Bride messaged back and said unfortunately they have asked all children to go home before the evening reception and so wouldn’t want the baby there. My message landed when she was having some backlash from somebody else about their child having to go home and in hindsight wasn’t upset about what I’d asked but vented it in the wrong way.
I apologised that we wouldn’t be able to come but would love to meet up later and look at wedding pics etc.

For those of you offering solutions: the wedding is in the middle of nowhere there are a couple of extortionately priced rooms above pubs a few miles away but nothing that would make it easy to do the same as the hen do. The older 2 are stopping at school friends houses on the hen do as we are not local to family. I had no idea what we were going to do with them for the wedding.

I don’t feel like I would want to pump and leave the baby with DH for the night, we haven’t tried a bottle yet so I have declined the invite. I think it’s a shame we can’t be there but I 100% respect her wishes of her wedding day.

I think your not BU. But you should have picked up the phone. Even to follow up after the message. If your close she will understand.

I know.

This bride made it clear it's a childfree wedding. Pestering her about bringing a child is rude.

The correct thing to do is to decline.

I think you have handled this well and were right to message again, and you have found out the reason for your friend’s silence.

Your original message was fine, just came at the wrong time. It’s unfair that your friend has had ‘backlash’ from other people, it’s her call not to have children/ babies at the night do. I hate it when others think they can dictate the arrangements for a wedding. She may have even not minded you bringing baby, but now others have complained so clearly she has to say no to everyone.

Yoyr response was great, and has taken the pressure off her and saved your friendship when it could have escalated unnecessarily so well done all involved!

Personally I hate weddings and find them boring so would have loved an excuse for non attendance 😂

So she's getting married in the middle of nowhere, is having evening guests as well as day guests, and she wants some of her day guests who are presumably close family to leave early so they can take their children home?

I don't think it's at all surprising that she is getting complaints from multiple guests about her wedding arrangements.

In a way I'd be glad that she's given you a cast iron excuse not to attend. She's made it as difficult as possible for people with children to attend, only other people will not feel able to decline the invitation so they'll have to sort something out.

I’m surprised she’s doing it that way round to be honest. I can understand not wanting children at the service or the wedding breakfast, but it’s odd (to me) to have them at those but then send them home for the party.

I had similar invite only to evening party which was 3 hour drive my sister was invited to daytime wedding & night with kids I was only invited to night with kids youngest being 18 months, I thought it was a long way to travel for 3 hours evening party which my kids go to bed before it starts! Why did she only invite my sister to day wedding everyone asked? I couldn't attend as unfair on kids and nobody to leave them with???

We didn't attend and said i couldnt attend as too late with kids and since she has not spoken to me...

Some people are just strange I've had to accept she does not like me after her living with my family in the past for a year and also spending 5 years at school in my friend group when she moved schools??? Nothing makes sense as my sister was a bitch to her and bullied her!

I really have no idea why she treated me in this way now but have to move on...

Nicely handled OP, you sound like a lovely friend. For what it’s worth I think you’ve dodged a bullet. Either way it would not have been fun for you (or your baby) to either go to the wedding party or be separated for it. I hope you enjoy the hen but that also sounds like a lot of expense, effort and discomfort for this friend. I hope she appreciates it.

@Xandria22 Glad it's been resolved.

General thoughts:
It is her and her groom's day, to run as they please, despite anyone else's feelings on the matter.
To those saying 'of course you just bring your baby', well here's another example of why you just don't do that.

I had a similar situation happen with me. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for a friend but told her I'd have to step back/ not attend after she said my 3 week old baby wouldn't be able to come with me. She said she didn't want a baby to take any attention away from her, I told her (in not so many words) that baby literally needed me to live 🙄 It wasn't until she herself found out she was pregnant and started to understand why I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the baby that she backed down and said baby could come.

I think babes in arms are 'different' to children as they have to be near their parents (mum mainly let's be honest). We ended up taking DD to two 'no children' weddings before she was 6 weeks old for that very reason, the second bride didn't even question it.

You did no harm in asking. She had the right to say no still, but you had the right to ask her.

Personally I think weddings are community events all about family, and a wedding with no kids is pretty soulless (who even starts the dancing if there are no kids?) but your friend obviously thinks differently and wants a different type of wedding. That's her prerogative but if your red lines are around not leaving a tiny breastfed baby - mine were still.feeding very frequently at that age and refused expressed milk from a bottle so also could not have been left - you should stay away. You could suggest you send husband solo as an emissary if you think non attendance will cause a ruck but essentially her boundary is no kids including your baby and yours is not leaving the baby which is not resolvable.

Glad it came to amicable conclusion, OP!

I’ve got a feeling the bride will look back on this in hindsight and understand if and when she has a baby herself. Perhaps she understands now but has weighed it up and would rather not have any children at her wedding than have OP at her wedding. Or it might not even be her saying no. It’s also her fiancés wedding so he might be the one insisting on this absolute no children rule.

@Crafthead The Ceilidh caller started our dancing as we didn't have a traditional disco.

I don't think there's anything wrong with either approach but if you want a child free wedding you really have to own it and not be upset if some of your nearest and dearest can't make it.

And I do think it's a good idea to be realistic about what sort of friends and family you have when you make your decision. If no one has young children, or the ones who do are the ones whose non attendance you wouldn't be that upset about, crack on. If your sister has three children under the age of five and two of your close friends have babies under 6 months, you need to ask yourself whether the childfree wedding you are imagining is really worth the potential heartache of falling out with loved ones or having people you are close to unable to make it.

Reading between the lines, the OP's friend has chosen to plan a wedding which is difficult for people with children to attend, and now she's getting upset that some of them are not attending, or are objecting to being required to take family children home at 6pm and miss out on the rest of the wedding they've gone to great effort and expense to attend. I suspect that these disagreements will end up casting a shadow over her day, and years from now, depending on her personality type she'll either still be resentful that people didn't make more effort, or she'll wish she'd been more relaxed about children.

Margot you have saved me typing out all of that!

Yes this. If your kids aren’t named on the invitation, then they aren’t invited. A close family member got married a few years ago and didn’t invite my daughter who was 10 months at the wedding date. She did organise a childminder for people with children as she didn’t want any kids there at all- and expected us to leave the baby with a stranger for the whole day (wedding was in a different country). We declined the invite!

Personally I think weddings are community events all about family, and a wedding with no kids is pretty soulless (who even starts the dancing if there are no kids?)

Wtf?!

People asking if they are being unreasonable are requesting strangers opinions and to hear what a cross section of people think, and this is what I think. Other people are absolutely entitled to think differently.

I can’t imagine being invited to any wedding, where it would not be acceptable to bring a young, breastfed baby. Nor can I imagine objecting to anyone doing so. Obviously, if said baby was disrupting the service, I’d expect a parent to remove them, but the number of people who are objecting to the idea of the baby simply being there, seems insane to me.

It's not insane for a couple to request no children (of any age).

Threads like this always remind me how much I despise the phrase "babes in arms" 😂😂😂😂

It doesn’t look like the bride is upset that people can’t come?

I wasn’t going to say this and I apologise in advance but this is an anonymous forum I guess and sometimes you just can’t say things to people in real life, especially where children are concerned.

If you want a big wedding, kids and all, amazing!

For some people, kids are annoying! Sorry… some scream and misbehave, cry, get bored, tired, it’s all about them so their parents are focussing on the kids not the bride. Babies bring their own paraphernalia, so you can’t move for buggies, screaming, blankets and toys and things. Kids doing that knee slide thing on the dance floor. Honestly for some people this is their idea of utter hell and if it’s your wedding it’s a million times worse.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate being the centre of attention and would not be the kind of bride who wanted all eyes on me. But many are!

Personally I think weddings are community events all about family, and a wedding with no kids is pretty soulless (who even starts the dancing if there are no kids?)

I've read a lot of stupid shit on MN in my time but this takes the whole dessert trolley. WTAF do you do think happens at adult only events like work night outs? Do you think everyone just stands there looking forlornly at the dance floor until they're saved by a passing random toddler who has to go in and show everyone how it's done?