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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

856 replies

Xandria22 · 13/10/2023 10:21

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids!

We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’

We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request.

The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him).

I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
TolkiensFallow · 14/10/2023 14:48

I don’t think You’ve been at all unreasonable.

You gave her the choice and you (and DH) are going massively out of your way to go to the hen.

I don’t think most childfree women do understand the difference between an exclusively breastfed baby and a child they can leave. There’s a massive difference.

If she continues to not reply, I’d just text and say “I’m sorry if I put you in an awkward position, it wasn’t the intention. We will have to decline the invitation and would love to celebrate your wedding with you another time”

BumpkinChic · 14/10/2023 14:51

I don’t think the way you worded it was that great tbh but if you were really just looking for clarification, fair enough

the thing I don’t get, and I see it a lot, is when people are annoyed that they can’t come to a wedding/event with their baby…

when I made the decision to have children I accepted that part of this was making sacrifices and sometimes not going to things I’d like to? I missed a cousins wedding in Italy and another big party… and it was fine. I would have liked to go but I couldn’t, and that was that. No fuss.

Part of being a parent

lordloveadog · 14/10/2023 16:41

All the child-free weddings I've been to, which is maybe 10-15, have had an exception for babies. Small babies can't be separated from their milk supply for long and it's not straightforward to get a babysitter suitable for a newborn.

If the bride herself is too daft to realize this, surely her mother or someone else would point it out to her?

Ididivfama · 14/10/2023 16:51

ZickZack · 13/10/2023 19:14

You were allowed to ask, she's allowed to say yes/ no. Why do people make these things more complicated than it should be.

Exactly

Warum · 14/10/2023 16:57

lordloveadog · 14/10/2023 16:41

All the child-free weddings I've been to, which is maybe 10-15, have had an exception for babies. Small babies can't be separated from their milk supply for long and it's not straightforward to get a babysitter suitable for a newborn.

If the bride herself is too daft to realize this, surely her mother or someone else would point it out to her?

Maybe she does realise this? Maybe she's invited OP (only to the night part) because she feels she has to? Maybe they aren't actually that great friends anymore and/or bride has closer friends/family?

Lotus3 · 14/10/2023 17:10

My God! People seem to be missing that brides are full grown adults and should be able to deal with a basic question!!

OP, sounds like you asked super politely and laid out your stall with her. YANBU. Leaving you on read is really unfair. You're right, if the event said "No Kids Please", then YWBU, but as it didn't, it was a very fair request. You even opened the door for her to say no easily.

If bride doesn't like it she ought to ring you and say so, not play games whispering about it to other friends. Or if she REALLY wants you there, work with you collaboratively to come up with a solution- thats what friends should do.

The only side note in brides favour would be if money is involved; if she's already paid for your meal or room or travel or something, then if you don't go you should 100% offer to pay it back.

If she didn't have the good grace to reply to me soon, I'd be dropping out of the hen do too... 😇

trampoline123 · 14/10/2023 17:16

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask, a 4 month old is very different to a 2 year old.

I think she's unreasonable to not reply to you and talk about it to someone else.

Harperhan · 14/10/2023 18:03

The bride made it clear from the invite children were not invited. You should have just politely declined and not have backed here into a corner about bringing a child.

Sennelier1 · 14/10/2023 18:30

@M4J4@M4J4 : I suppose it's different where I live (Flanders, Belgium) and hence my suggestion. Totally normal here to have a weddingreception (couple is standing & greeting, guests have drinks and nibbles) and after that a big dinner and dancing. Some people may be invited for the whole day, but others will only attend the evening. Evening usually is more posh, with classy tables, a sit-down dinner, the cutting of the cake, opening dance, DJ, dancing through the night. So booking a hotelroom ánd a babysitter would not be exagerated here 🤷🏼‍♀️ (just explaining why I thought this was a good idea).

Sigmama · 14/10/2023 18:55

I wouldn't bother asking, just bring the kid, it's not like she's going to throw you out of the wedding

TheBirdintheCave · 14/10/2023 19:03

Sigmama · 14/10/2023 18:55

I wouldn't bother asking, just bring the kid, it's not like she's going to throw you out of the wedding

If it were our wedding the wedding co-ordinator would have ejected said person and the child as we were at capacity with our head count and they would have been breaching their fire regulations.

(And yes we were told babies counted which is part of the reason why we didn't invite any children).

Laurdo · 14/10/2023 19:04

SugarHiccups · 13/10/2023 10:48

If the invite didn't explicitly say that it's an adult only event, of course YANBU for asking.

We had kids at our wedding but we didn't put all the kids names on the invites (we didn't even know all their names!) We just assumed people would know their children are invited as the default, because we didn't state 'adults only'. No one contacted us to clarify, they just brought their kids.

I think it's very immature of her to not reply to you, especially when she was vague on the invitation. It would be easy to respond politely saying that it's an adult only event and that she understands you can't make it.

I just put Mr&Mrs & Family.

Confusion101 · 14/10/2023 19:05

@Sigmama I know of people who shared your selfish outlook and they were asked to remove the baby from the venue. The venue had a minimum age limit of 14 for insurance reasons, not to mention most have a maximum head count for insurance / health & safety reasons too. Sometimes it's not just that the bride "doesn't have kids so she doesn't understand" 🙄 and is out of the couples control.

Bean83ts · 14/10/2023 19:35

She’s asked the question they bride can say no?

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 19:38

Bean83ts · 14/10/2023 19:35

She’s asked the question they bride can say no?

Well yes she can. She also may be a little surprised at being asked, as it was already made clear that it was a child free wedding.

Bean83ts · 14/10/2023 19:39

Where did op say That the bride said no children?

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 14/10/2023 19:45

The problem with occasions like this is that people just go "oh can't you just express and leave baby with someone else" and when ebf you just can't. My son wouldn't take an expressed bottle.
So she probably thinks you are being awkward asking to bring baby. But as you have explained you just wanted to clarify to her. I think a proper conversation is needed that isn't over a text message and that like you said you didn't want her to be offended if you don't go. She's probably just stressed out about the whole thing.

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 19:47

Sigmama · 14/10/2023 18:55

I wouldn't bother asking, just bring the kid, it's not like she's going to throw you out of the wedding

Is that how you approach life in general, @Sigmama?
Bulldoze your way in to places you're fully aware you won't be welcomed because you know common decency on the host's part will prevent them from shoving you bodily back out the door?
You must be a delight to all in your orbit.

Confusion101 · 14/10/2023 19:47

@Bean83ts do you often get an invite and decide to bring extra people outside of what it says on the invite?

Might bring my 2 friends to my cousins wedding.... Invite only had my name and OHs name but it's not clear if its only us 2 invited because the invite didn't say "do not bring extra guests".....

ChristmasKraken · 14/10/2023 19:54

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 19:38

Well yes she can. She also may be a little surprised at being asked, as it was already made clear that it was a child free wedding.

Show quote history

Except it wasn't. The invite didn't have OPs children on it but nowhere has the bride said specifically that it was a child free wedding.

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 19:56

ChristmasKraken · 14/10/2023 19:54

Except it wasn't. The invite didn't have OPs children on it but nowhere has the bride said specifically that it was a child free wedding.

Show quote history

And round we go again... 🤦‍♀️

Ffion21 · 14/10/2023 20:10

You’re wording had made it a bit awkward. It’s her wedding so she will be emotive anyway so can totally see how she will think you’re being a diva.

just politely decline. She doesn’t want babies.

Ffion21 · 14/10/2023 20:13

If she’s also got no kids she won’t truly get how difficult it is to leave ebf baby either OP.

My son was bottle fed and I don’t think I really got it either as I didn’t have that issue.

Peachy2005 · 14/10/2023 20:16

Just send your RSVP regrets now - her silence is your answer. I’m not sure how that affects the hen do: it’s possibly a bit odd to still attend that but perhaps she’d be happy with that…you know your friendship best.

surreygirl1987 · 14/10/2023 20:16

*@Bean83tsdo you often get an invite and decide to bring extra people outside of what it says on the invite?

Might bring my 2 friends to my cousins wedding.... Invite only had my name and OHs name but it's not clear if its only us 2 invited because the invite didn't say "do not bring extra guests".....*

😄