Page 17 | AIBU to ask to bring my baby to a wedding?

Xandria22 · 2023-10-13T09:21:02+00:00

My oldest friend is getting married in December and I just got the invite. It has mine and DH name on it not our 3 kids. This is absolutely not a problem. Who wants to party when you have kids! We are only invited to the night do (I think it’s a very small day do) and I have messaged her to ask if I can bring the baby who will be 4 months old as he is exclusively breastfed. My message basically said ‘if it fits in with your wedding plans could we bring the baby as he is completely breastfed and we wouldn’t be able to leave him for that long. If it’s a problem we won’t be able to come to the wedding but we won’t be offended we would understand and wish you all the best’ We live an hour away and have nobody nearby who we can leave the baby with. She hasn’t replied to me but when I reached out to another friend she has said that the bride is not happy with my request. The hen do is next week and I’m a bit apprehensive (more so because DH is coming to the hotel where it is being held with the baby in a room so he can phone me when to feed him). I thought I was being completely reasonable. She could say no babies/children and that would have been done. Am I missing something?

LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 11:39

I think you should just decline. Take her to lunch afterwards and let her show you some photos and tell you about it.

Evening do is no place for a baby.

Maddy70 · 14/10/2023 11:39

The no children directive means exactly that

You now just turn down the invitation

Maddy70 · 14/10/2023 11:40

Express milk and don't take the baby to the hen do. That's ridiculous.

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 11:42

@notlucreziaborgia my comment was to @Warum who absolutely did suggest this course of action?

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 11:43

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 10:40

The idea that marriage should be founded in love is a relatively recent development. I’m not sure what weight we’re assigning to tradition here anyway, given that peer pressure from the dead can be as meaningful or as meaningless as you want it to be.

You’re missing the point - your standards are just that: yours. Unless it’s your wedding, your preferences aren’t the most important of considerations. You don’t have to understand why someone wouldn’t want a tiny baby at their wedding, because someone else’s wedding is not required to be tailored to you.

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I think you’re missing my point - and actually I think a lot of these bridezillas are missing the point.

if you want your wedding to include a social aspect, then I’m afraid you have to consider the needs of others - not just you. It’s just one of the realities of being a host! Obviously there are lines - and what is acceptable to you isn’t going to be the same for others. Don’t want babies? Fine. But don’t go in a strop about it. Just say ‘as much as I’d love you to come, I’ve already said no to other kids, so want to be fair to everyone’ or even just ‘no’. But ignoring OP for asking? Rude.

I agree - someone else’s wedding isn’t tailored to you, but equally, their life isn’t tailored to your wedding.

I’d bet £50 this bride would take the huff if OP just said ‘no - doesn’t fit my breastfeeding schedule’

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 11:44

Paola it was @Sennelier1

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 11:45

Also @notlucreziaborgia i think sexual desire and love came before marriage.

marriage was in part designed to police that. But that’s a whole other thesis.

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/10/2023 11:52

Mrsjayy · 13/10/2023 10:25

Well she did say no children because their names were not on the invite it's you that has caused "confusion " there is no confusion.

I can't see OP using the word confusion, you've just decided that the OP is about being confused 🤔

Warum · 14/10/2023 11:52

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 11:42

@notlucreziaborgia my comment was to @Warum who absolutely did suggest this course of action?

What course of action are you referring to, which I absolutely suggested?

Warum · 14/10/2023 11:54

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/10/2023 11:52

I can't see OP using the word confusion, you've just decided that the OP is about being confused 🤔

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OP does appear to be confused - the invite doesn't include her children, yet she's asking to bring one along.

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 11:55

@Warum I posted an apology 10 mins ago but autocorrect changed it to say Paola. My comment was for another poster.

MN really need to get edit functionality sorted.

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 11:55

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 11:43

I think you’re missing my point - and actually I think a lot of these bridezillas are missing the point.

if you want your wedding to include a social aspect, then I’m afraid you have to consider the needs of others - not just you. It’s just one of the realities of being a host! Obviously there are lines - and what is acceptable to you isn’t going to be the same for others. Don’t want babies? Fine. But don’t go in a strop about it. Just say ‘as much as I’d love you to come, I’ve already said no to other kids, so want to be fair to everyone’ or even just ‘no’. But ignoring OP for asking? Rude.

I agree - someone else’s wedding isn’t tailored to you, but equally, their life isn’t tailored to your wedding.

I’d bet £50 this bride would take the huff if OP just said ‘no - doesn’t fit my breastfeeding schedule’

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Who says she isn’t considering the needs of others as well as her own? Deciding to not invite children isn’t ’not considering the needs of others’. Inviting children is not the only way to cater to guests and make the event enjoyable for them, and if it is, and the event you’ve been invited to won’t be enjoyable for you for this reason - decline the invite! According to the logic you’re employing no one can actually have the event they want lest it not perfectly suit guests (who will obviously have all the same requirements for enjoyment?).

By ‘considering the needs of others’ what you mean is ‘considering the wants of certain parents to go, and take their children’, as if those are the only ones worthy of consideration.

Miss93 · 14/10/2023 11:56

If you're only invited to the night time part of the wedding,I'd question how good a friend you are to her.
They're usually reserved for neighbours, workmates not close friend.

daliesque · 14/10/2023 11:57

Figgygal · 14/10/2023 07:29

Sounds like you've just killed off a drifting friendship tbh
Shes pissed if mentioning it others and your message was a bit much

Yep this. No children means no children. I imagine she talked to a mutual friend to share her frustrations about your message before finding the words to tell you her decision without pissing you off.

People are allowed to discuss things friends have done with other friends without it being called bitchy.

She's having a small wedding and so only invited some people to the evening. That is perfectly fine jn the real,world.

She's also probably aware that breastfed babies require being close to their source of food. After all it doesn't take childbirth to understand that and those people who say they didn't know before they had kids, well, I think that says more about you.

Warum · 14/10/2023 12:04

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 11:55

@Warum I posted an apology 10 mins ago but autocorrect changed it to say Paola. My comment was for another poster.

MN really need to get edit functionality sorted.

Fair enough, just wondered why I was tagged.

K4tM · 14/10/2023 12:24

I’ve always thought not having kids at weddings was a bit miserable. Where else can 8 year olds dance with 80 year olds, everyone letting their hair down and having a great time? But each to their own, kids would be bored stiff at a black tie do so probably not appropriate.

I brought my baby to an evening wedding reception when he was only a few weeks old (very loud with smoking!). I was reminiscing with the bride and another of the guests just the other day (hadn’t seen them for a while but yes we’re still friends). It was a great night, great memories and the baby is now a strapping 17 year old who is a champion rower. I don’t think he’s deaf, although sometimes I do wonder …

Patchesofdrizzle · 14/10/2023 12:54

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask at all - a breastfed babe in arms is not the same as a child at a wedding.

She was unreasonable not to have responded to you to say she didn't want your baby there but to have complained to a mutual friend instead. If I was the mutual friend I wouldn't have passed her bitchiness onto you, but that's a different issue.

If you really want to go to the Hen, then go, but if you were going out of a sense of duty, then I think you can reasonably bow out now. You can say that you thought you'd be able to leave the baby but due to cluster feeding it won't be possible after all.

RiderofRohan · 14/10/2023 12:56

It puts the bride in an awkward situation, now she has to say no to you. You should have respected no children were invited, including yours.

neilyoungismyhero · 14/10/2023 13:00

I expect she feels slightly awkward about the situation you've put her in. They've stipulated no children and you're kind of asking for a back door entry because of your recent birth. Possibly she hoped this third party would pass on the fact that she was miffed at your passive ultimatum.
I really don't think an evening reception is the place for small babies anyway. All that noise and drinking not really practical although pretty sure there are people who will say differently.
As for the hen night? The bride might well be keen to be THE centre of attention and not have one of her hens completely sober and disappearing throughout the evening to attend to other business.

For what it's worth I'd rack this one up to bad timing and make a plan to meet up at a later date especially as you don't see each other on a regular basis anyway.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/10/2023 13:07

@Xandria22 have you spoken to bride yet ?

I know it's a small wedding but unless literally family I am surprised you didn't get an invite to wedding being her oldest friend

Text her if you prefer to get the right words and an apology for previous text (tho I wouldn't have an issue with someone aka a good friend sending that )

And say didn't mean to put her in a difficult position. And sue to bf baby need to decline wedding

But that you are really looking forward to catching up with her next week at her hen to celebrate

XiCi · 14/10/2023 13:16

I think going to the hen night, staying completely sober, disappearing to the hotel to feed every 2 hours and taking your husband to the hen party is just a terrible idea for everyone including yourself especially given you haven't told the bride that you're going to have your DH there

Could you save the money you would spend on a hotel at the hen but do that at the wedding instead and at least you'd be there to celebrate her wedding with her

feelingalittlehorse · 14/10/2023 13:17

BoohooWoohoo · 13/10/2023 10:43

I suspect that she thinks babies are children so that you are asking to try and get her to make an exception for you.

I understand why you asked (babies are sometimes an exception) but I have kids so understand that point unlike a childless person who would reasonably think that baby is a child.
Does she know that you're breastfeeding? She might assume that breastfed babies can be left with dad and have a bottle of expressed milk for the day.

Ahaaa! I was wondering when the “you have no proven fertility and therefore no opinion” militants would arrive. And here they are! I’m sure the bride does know what a baby is, but you never know, eh?

OP, Mumsnet gets in a right froth over weddings; but in reality most weddings I’ve been to have been CF and those that could attend did gladly, and those that couldn’t didn’t. No drama. You were not being unreasonable to honestly point out your difficulties to your close friend, but she also wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no.

What I think would be unfair on her side would be if she is annoyed if you cannot attend. Would it be possible for you to have a similar set up as the hen do with your DH?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 14/10/2023 13:20

I think you should call her and apologise if your message made her feel under pressure. For what it's worth, I think your message was fine. You can't leave the baby behind (unless you leave with DH in hotel room again) and if you had replied that you couldn't come would have wanted to explain why and that might have looked like pressure. You were open with her and I would expect a similar response.

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 14:09

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 11:55

Who says she isn’t considering the needs of others as well as her own? Deciding to not invite children isn’t ’not considering the needs of others’. Inviting children is not the only way to cater to guests and make the event enjoyable for them, and if it is, and the event you’ve been invited to won’t be enjoyable for you for this reason - decline the invite! According to the logic you’re employing no one can actually have the event they want lest it not perfectly suit guests (who will obviously have all the same requirements for enjoyment?).

By ‘considering the needs of others’ what you mean is ‘considering the wants of certain parents to go, and take their children’, as if those are the only ones worthy of consideration.

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I think that’s a massive reach. That’s not what I’m suggesting at all. In fact, if you read my post I said if you don’t want kids to come - just reply to say no she can’t come- don’t ignore her.

BUT I do judge people who make a drama out of this shite.

It’s a baby. One. How this could spoil the day/atmosphere/dynamic
is beyond me. I maintain that I have never in my life heard of anyone’s day been remotely affected by the presence is a very young baby. Lots of people have been upset by the absence of their ‘oldest friend’.

It sounds like OP is trying to find ways of being there for her friend rather than trying to get invited to the hottest night of the year!

Quite frankly, weddings are usually pretty dull. I tend to go because it’s someone I care about and I know they want to celebrate with their friends. But without that connection, it’s an expensive weekend, with a rather flat night out in the middle.

notlucreziaborgia · 14/10/2023 14:39

Catastrophejane · 14/10/2023 14:09

I think that’s a massive reach. That’s not what I’m suggesting at all. In fact, if you read my post I said if you don’t want kids to come - just reply to say no she can’t come- don’t ignore her.

BUT I do judge people who make a drama out of this shite.

It’s a baby. One. How this could spoil the day/atmosphere/dynamic
is beyond me. I maintain that I have never in my life heard of anyone’s day been remotely affected by the presence is a very young baby. Lots of people have been upset by the absence of their ‘oldest friend’.

It sounds like OP is trying to find ways of being there for her friend rather than trying to get invited to the hottest night of the year!

Quite frankly, weddings are usually pretty dull. I tend to go because it’s someone I care about and I know they want to celebrate with their friends. But without that connection, it’s an expensive weekend, with a rather flat night out in the middle.

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Hardly a reach when you’ve said that the bride is lacking consideration for her guests because she’s chosen to have a childfree wedding.

That’s fine that it’s ’beyond you’. You aren’t required to understand, and no one needs to explain it to you. If you don’t like that some thing you’ve been invited to is childfree then by all means don’t go. No need to bitch about bridezillas having childfree weddings as if it’s egregious for someone to not have a wedding tailored to you.