Pointless lie from friend - I'm so over it

[Stupidliefromfriend]

Ok this is long and over something fairly small.

Please no nasty "what a load of unnecessary drama" comments, you're welcome to not continue with the post.

Shortest version I can manage: my friend (lets call her Heidi) lied about going on holiday with other friends (who she is much closer with or related to). I am totally fine with this, like completely utterly 💯 fine. I wouldn't have been interested in this break anyway.

But the lie is so irritating and frankly, offensive. Also, similar has happened multiple times over the years and left me feeling confused and a little paranoid.

Also, I don't necessarily think the lack of information was about me but another friend (let's call her Davina) who was there. Or quite likely both of us.

Either way I'm so done with extended group politics and being lied to straight to my face.

I don't feel like being friends with Heidi anymore.

Yabu: What a massive overreaction to not being told about something you didn't even want to do.
Yanbu: being lied to is horrible and given its happened in the past, cut your losses.

I'll provide lots more info if necessary for context. I don't mean to drip feed but I didn't want an OP that took an hour to wade through.

What was the lie?

Why do you think she lied - was she trying to spare your feelings over being left out?

So she lied by omission, i.e. didn’t tell you she was going on holiday with other people?

Or have I misunderstood?

She lied a bout a holiday it says, that she went with friends. Oddly I knew a Heidi who was constantly aiming to be more 'in' with people than me often through lies. I just dropped contact and never looked back. Why waste your energy?

Did she ghost you or lie to your face when you wanted to arrange something yourself?

What was the lie? She said she went on holiday with friends but didn’t? Sorry I’m lost

Sorry for the confusion.

Two weeks ago Heidi, Davina and I went for lunch.

Davina asked if either of us had any holidays booked. I said yes and described. Heidi said no. I remember it clearly because she usually prioritises holidays and plans them about a year in advance. So we had a full conversation about her reasons for not having going abroad plans.

In a group chat she mentioned packing yesterday and I asked her about it. She answered all the other questions around it.

Something about it didn't sit right with me but I forgot about it till I saw them all tagged in an airport Facebook with the destination at the top today.

As I said I wouldn't have been remotely offended at not being invited.

Yanbu, I've had a similar situation with some friends recently and feel exactly the same, I'm not remotely bothered about them having plans together but twice they have lied and been sneaky about it (then posted all over social media ...what's the point?) So I'm similarly over it and just taking a massive step back

So you think she lied because Davina would be annoyed at not being invited? It's a bit pathetic really not just telling the truth. I'd be annoyed too.

All depends where the motivation to lie has come from - is she lying because she’s been an active part of organising something that excludes you, or is she being evasive because she’s going on a trip she knows you’re not invited on but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings?

So she lied once ‘properly’ by saying she had no plans, and once by omission when you asked why she was packing and she didn’t answer.

And she’s done similar before - about holidays, or group outings, or random stuff?

I’d be a bit over her, probably. Sounds odd.

How old are you? I had problems like this with friends in my early 20s and guess what? None of those friendships stuck.

perhaps davinia asked her at the last minute

or they thought you would be jealous?

I think it’s totally understandable to be annoyed. Shitty friend behaviour to lie to your friend. Also surely she knew you would see the social media posts?

Yanbu

could easily have been last minute booking though

I tend to steer away from people like that. What's the point in a friendship where you can't trust anything that someone says (also I don't think she can claim she didn't want to hurt your feelings when it was then on social media).

However if the friendship is pretty much over anyway, you don't really have anything to lose by asking her why she said 'no' when you directly asked her about it. If she says she panicked and misjudged or something then I'd probably forgive her but if she denies, claims she can't remember, or makes a rubbish excuse about not wanting drama (if you've never made a drama about anything similar before) then I'd quietly let the friendship drop

I would consider the friendship over, but first I would ask her why she felt the need.

I doubt it was a last minute booking with a group of friends co ordinating schedules etx

Confused, was Davinia also on the holiday and knew Heidi was lying to you?

Yanbu I think this is the reason that the older people get the less friends they have because nobody's got time for this crap

40's!!! We have been friends for decades. It's a big group with sub groups. The all inclusive gatherings don't really happen anymore.

Some similar stuff happened in the past.

One year I realised I wasn't invited to a big birthday party, I assumed it was for closer friends. Then over time I realised it was because one of the guys I had been seeing who had dumped me was arriving with his new serious girlfriends.

Another time I got a WhatsApp inviting me to brunch. I lived in another city at the but happened to be local so I excitedly said yes. I then got a flustered phonecall from Heidi saying she had sent to me in error as she thought I wasn't local. I said I was and I'd drop into the restaurant. This is where it gets weird. She suggested I meet her and DH in a bar next door. The two or them arrived and she was wearing a formal dress. She gave no explanation and they both seemed very pressed for time. I was so irked I just smiled said it was great to see them and I didn't have much time.

I was travelling back to my city that day and I remember crying on the way back and feeling really weird about it all.

I am just remembering these feelings now and thinking I really can't be bothered with this rubbish.

She didn't post on social media, she was tagged at the airport. She might not even realise.

There is a little bit of ego at play here that I'm conscious I shouldn't be letting get the better of me. The ego is not about not being invited (it's a very tight group) but the assumption I'd be dying to go. I find it annoying and I don't want that to cloud my judgment.