Pointless lie from friend - I'm so over it

[Stupidliefromfriend]

Ok this is long and over something fairly small.

Please no nasty "what a load of unnecessary drama" comments, you're welcome to not continue with the post.

Shortest version I can manage: my friend (lets call her Heidi) lied about going on holiday with other friends (who she is much closer with or related to). I am totally fine with this, like completely utterly 💯 fine. I wouldn't have been interested in this break anyway.

But the lie is so irritating and frankly, offensive. Also, similar has happened multiple times over the years and left me feeling confused and a little paranoid.

Also, I don't necessarily think the lack of information was about me but another friend (let's call her Davina) who was there. Or quite likely both of us.

Either way I'm so done with extended group politics and being lied to straight to my face.

I don't feel like being friends with Heidi anymore.

Yabu: What a massive overreaction to not being told about something you didn't even want to do.
Yanbu: being lied to is horrible and given its happened in the past, cut your losses.

I think she sees herself as the Ringmaster in this 3 ringed (or more!) circus of friendships. That all these friendship groups all absolutely revolve around her.

I think that if you were feeling especially cruel you could tell her that you actually dont give a shit what she does, when and with whom. That she is not certral to your life or your the particular friendship group that you are in.

Or you could be a bit kinder and say "I you seem to think that I am going to care if you go places or do stuff with anyone other than me. You are wrong. I am happy to see you live your life, just as I am living mine. What I DO care about is being lied to"

Hi @Stupidliefromfriend 👋
I had a similar experience with a very close friend a long time ago (almost a decade!). We'd been friends in school, and we'd remained close as adults. Always celebrated birthdays together each year, but the year we all turned 30 she said she wasn't doing anything to celebrate. Thought this strange at the time, but whatever. Later found out she'd planned a weekend away for her 30th, and I was literally the only friend in the group that wasn't invited. Bloody hell, it HURT. Long story (slightly) short(er) it made me re-evaluate our friendship, and all the cracks suddenly appeared. So I decided to bow out. She's messaged a few times over the years, but friendship eventually fizzled out. He lack of apology made the decision easier than it may have been.

So my question is - what do you get out of the friendship? Anything good? If so, does that good outweigh the negative, or no?

I really believe that relationships work both ways (obvs) and if a relationship is only providing you with only (mainly?) negative experiences then what's the point in bothering with working at it?

P.s. Have you heard of the 'Let Them' theory, by Mel Robbins? “'Do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next.”

Apologies, I hadn't yet read the whole thread! Sounds like you're naturally in tune with the 'Let Them' theory.

oh i assumed heidi and davinia went on holiday.
how odd.
agree she sounds like she wants to fit in, or something.
odd
i wouldnt meet her, and if you do end up, then take Everything she says with a pinch of salt.

Somebody in the wider group doesn't like you . Doesn't want you at brunch or holiday, and Heidi is caught in the middle

Phase them out

Nobody needs these teen antics in their 40s

Find some grown up friends

Yeah. These were my exact thoughts that day of the brunch.

Who was there? What was the issue? Who have I offended?

And running various scenarios through my head. It was a long time ago but I wanted to give an example as it wasn't stand alone. I felt foolish, rejected and confused.

At some stage around then I decided that I was going to focus on getting my own life in order and let other people come and go as they pleased. I did this successfully and have been much happier.

For the posters who said the friendship means more to me, she is only humouring me with lunch, I want to be more in their group than I am - that's not the case. Life moves on and people move in different directions. I probably moved more drastically than anyone.

So when I realised that a perfectly straightforward questions such as "do you have any holidays booked" was answered with a lie, I had a very strong (and yes possibly dramatic) internal reaction of FRO and then keep going please.

Not sure why people are so insistent that you’re upset. I understand totally what the problem is. Your so called friend is a disrespectful ass. Just drop her. Don’t do anything with her, don’t accept any invites, and if you see her in your wider circle of friends just smile and offer no information on you, and if she talks about getting together just say, ‘we’ll see’ or nod and never ever do it.

This will drive her crazy. She has no info, no explanation, you just won’t make time for her ever again. And it will be extremely satisfying, for you!

Having lots of friends is overrated

Why are you assuming it was a lie? It’s very plausible they booked a last min deal to go as they got it cheap, friends of mine just did the same.

id not have assumed a lie, just a last min booking. And as foe saying you’re not the type to throw a strop, I think this thread and your reaction proves otherwise.

Agree with most people - I’ve had the exact same (lies over a holiday that didn’t matter to us) and I refuse to nurture a friendship with anyone that lies to me, especially over petty rubbish. Lies like that are always solely for the benefit of the person that does it; awkwardness, caught in the middle- whatever - grow tf up.

Real friendships require mutual respect; lying is the epitome of disrespect. To your face? Over something that didn’t matter? Forget it.
you’ve got some good suggestions on what you could do next - I’d let the friendship starve to death & nourish the friendships that matter.

Do you think it's this? Were you quite obvious of your dislike/disapproval of them on and after the holiday to Heidi? As she's a people pleaser do you think she was worried you'd voice your disapproval of her holiday?

If I were you, I would walk away from, or. Seriously distance myself from them.
This doesn’t feel right for you.
Move on.
Good luck

Nobody would have noticed.

I have 2 rules for being my friend. 1. Don't lie to me. 2. Don't let my son down. Imo both are perfectly reasonable to expect from grown adults.
Personally I'd be fazing Heidi out and getting closer to Davina. X

Who has time for this stuff?

I can't be arsed with liars.
Like loads of others have said, get rid. I'd cancel the lunch with her and rearrange elsewhere with Davina. I wouldn't bother with arguments or accusations, it's just a waste of your time. Just slow fade her out. Life is far too short for crap mates. I ended a long term friendship with a small group about 6 years ago -no fights or anything, it just wasn't working anymore. I didn't like the way they treated me or how they made me feel. I've never once regretted it for a minute.

You are not being unreasonable. I have a friend who does this and it drives me up the wall.

I’ll casually ask if she has plans and she’ll say no, but then I speak to another friend who will tell me in conversation that they went to x place or took the kids to y. Or she’ll tell me she has plans and I’ll say, ‘oh, who are you going with?’ and she’ll mention a cousin or something, then only later do I find out that another friend was there as well as said cousin.

The other friend(s) will tell me in normal conversation because they know I’m not bothered (it’s usually something kid-related and I don’t have kids, or it’s when I’m working) but the fact she purposely hides it is baffling to me.

Or she’ll drip-feed… ‘Oh I’m going to such and such’ and I’ll ask who with and she’ll say just DP and DC. Then she’ll forget she said that and tell me who she was actually with. Then another friend might get added in the next time she tells the story. It does make me feel shit every time it happens but it’s not because I’m jealous, it’s because she feels the need to lie. I have no idea what it’s all about.

My biggest take away from this thread is wow - these people seem to socialise an awful lot! That alone sounds exhausting.

I would have to ‘like’ the post… or write ‘have a lovely time’….
I wouldn’t say another word about it though, but I’d want her to know that you know she lied.
I would slowly just back away from her, decline her invites and she’ll soon get the hint. Just arrange to see the ones you get on with

Why would you be friends with her 😂 of course your not been unreasonable.

I did comment below to have a great time along with loads of other people. It wasn't meant to be pas-ag and I assume it didn't look like that. Regardless I doubt Heidi will notice as the holiday will be mayhem. Her memory is not great anyway and I don't expect her to remember the conversation about holidays.

Thanks for the replies, I'm not going to do anything beyond continuing the phase out and not arrange the dinner.

For those who keep insisting I'm upset to not have been invited, that is really more about you.

Maybe she went last minute?
Maybe she was trying to spare hard feelings?

@Stupidliefromfriend I would literally ask her what the problem is & why she feels she has to keep lying about things. if she comes up with a wishy washy answer, yet again, you have your answer about the friendship!

Why did she feel the need to lie. Did she think you’d have taken it badly? In my experience, people don’t enjoy lying. They do it to protect someone when the truth would hurt.

if course, some people are habitual liars! Only YOU know your friend.

I would tell her/them exactly how you feel about all the sneaking and secret invites then I would cut them all out of your life to be honest. Sounds a bit toxic