Pointless lie from friend - I'm so over it

[Stupidliefromfriend]

Ok this is long and over something fairly small.

Please no nasty "what a load of unnecessary drama" comments, you're welcome to not continue with the post.

Shortest version I can manage: my friend (lets call her Heidi) lied about going on holiday with other friends (who she is much closer with or related to). I am totally fine with this, like completely utterly 💯 fine. I wouldn't have been interested in this break anyway.

But the lie is so irritating and frankly, offensive. Also, similar has happened multiple times over the years and left me feeling confused and a little paranoid.

Also, I don't necessarily think the lack of information was about me but another friend (let's call her Davina) who was there. Or quite likely both of us.

Either way I'm so done with extended group politics and being lied to straight to my face.

I don't feel like being friends with Heidi anymore.

Yabu: What a massive overreaction to not being told about something you didn't even want to do.
Yanbu: being lied to is horrible and given its happened in the past, cut your losses.

She sounds a bit dim to lie about it and then post on Facebook……
Yeah, I’d be cooling things off with her, mature intelligent people don’t lie about silly little things, they have the courage to tell the truth
Out of interest does this woman work outside of the home

Ok I think I’ve got it now. Your best friend went on holiday with Davina and a bunch of other friends and didn’t invite you to join them. The first you knew about it was a fb brag.

YANBU OP. I’d be pissed off too. Not because I wasn’t invited but because someone I always thought of as my best friend did the dirty.

Been there. Done that. Cut her off. And feel so much better. Let the witches cackle over their cauldron OP. You’re better than that.

It sounds like this is the final straw. The brunch thing was weird, were they off to an event or on way home? Time to distance perhaps which should be easy if you are not that local.

100% agree

No Davina isn't on the holiday. Davina and Heidi had a falling out years ago and things never fully recovered.

Davina IS the type to throw a strop about not being invited somewhere. That has happened multiple times.

I absolutely am not, would not care in the slightest.

It would have been nice to have been asked though wouldn't it. She doesn't sound like a good friend as she would want to include you regardless. The brunch drama sounds ridiculous. Just fade her out. I would.

This happened with a friend of mine and a party - when I asked her what she was doing for her birthday she said an early night but I saw later her big party pics on social media. I know she was trying to save my feelings but I felt a whole lot worse for being lied to. And also I felt like she felt guilty for not inviting me whereas I really wouldn’t have minded if she had just said. I actually lived in a different place and had a busy full happy life. So I know where you are coming from.

I was pretty certain they were off to an event and the others were next door in the restaurant waiting for them. There was presumably someone there that they thought it would be awkward with (friend that I'd been dating plus new girlfriend) and they opted to awkwardly keep me away.

I don't think there was any malice but I remember feeling really upset and kinda stupid for accepting an invitation that was given to me in error.

This doesn't feel like that. I have lots of my own stuff going on and would have been happy to hear all the holiday plans and wished them well.

I would 100% call her out on it.

I imagine she didn’t want you telling Davina.

But I wouldn’t care what the lie was, I couldn’t be dealing with a friend who lied to my face.

I don’t think she’s as good of a friend as you think.

No i would not have expected an invitation. The group on holiday are particularly tightly connected and I wouldn't be included in that unless it was a bigger gathering.

I also wouldn't have been interested or able to go but she wouldn't be aware of that.

Exactly this

Then I can't understand why she would lie about it? Is she a compulsive liar?

I plan to.

Herself, Davina and I (and potentially two others) have a dinner arranged for three weeks time.

I plan to say "you went on holiday with the others? How is everyone? Why did you say at lunch you weren't going anywhere"

I expect her to look awkward then say "it was only a few of us, we didnt want to say it to other people"

I'm going to calmly say "I don't like that you lied to me. It feels weird and unfortunately has impacted our friendship as it's happened quite a lot over the years".

Nothing more, nothing less.

Davina isn’t on the holiday with DF? I’m totally lost now. I’ll get my coat and head on out the door. I need a large wine 🍷 (and a lie down in a dark room)

I'm with you! I've reread all the posts and I still can't work out who went on holiday and who posted social media! At this stage I'm not even convinced Heidi went on holiday and therefore has given no reason for OP to be upset.

Sorry sorry sorry

Heidi lied to both of us at lunch two weeks ago about having no holiday s planned. Another friend tagged her and the rest of them.

It's odd.

Is Davina now aware of the post? It seems very juvenile excluding you to spare feelings of a new gf/ex

OP, it is not difficult to understand what you have written at all.

She is tedious.

Such behaviour at her age is so juvenile.

We all have close friends, that have other close friends that they do stuff with.

That is SO normal.

I wouldn't dream of saying a word to her, I would simple fade her out decisively.

What's odd I think is that you are still in contract with Heidi.
Stop allowing her to unsettle you. Just stop contact and move on.

So you and Davina are left out of lots of things?

It sounds to me that Davina got wind of the holiday and asked at lunch to see if you're both going.

I have seen her to similar a lot. There is usually no malice whatsoever behind it.

However she takes charge of every situation.

So for example one nights someone (that I didn't know at all) messaged to ask about arrangements and she will say "no they can't come, that will be awkward for the other person here. Damnit, I'll pretend I didn't see the message." She looked upset and guilty.

I've noticed it before and thought how horrible for the person waiting for the reply.

I find it tedious, immature and ridiculous.

While I'd be happy (very happy) to have not been invited, this lie would really piss me off.
Honestly, I'd drop her like a hot potato. Does she think she's doing you a huge favour, just staying friends with you? Who needs friends like this?
Don't go on the lunch. Just explain you're done with her lies and you don't need the drama.

Yes and no. There are different friendships.

Yes this sums it up and you are right. After I wrote the above I thought why go on the dinner to have an awkward conversation?

It's not malice with Heidi. It's more like she ties herself in knots imagining people are going to be offended, situations are going to be awkward. She also commits to absolutely loads of stuff which is so irritating if you've travelled to meet her then she's in a mad rush because she also agreed to meet someone else. Or she keeps talking on the phone.

Honestly this stuff used to upset me but these days I get on with my own stuff so much it doesn't anymore, I just come and go on my own terms.

This secret holiday has irked the absolute bones of me though. I assume I've been discussed somehow and it was agreed to not disclose.

The worst part of it, is that it's a 'secret holiday' Like they are all so amazing, you'll be so upset not being invited.
You don't need it. Cut her off. Show her that she isn't so amazing, that she has to lie to you, in case you are upset by not being in her company!