Pointless lie from friend - I'm so over it

[Stupidliefromfriend]

Ok this is long and over something fairly small.

Please no nasty "what a load of unnecessary drama" comments, you're welcome to not continue with the post.

Shortest version I can manage: my friend (lets call her Heidi) lied about going on holiday with other friends (who she is much closer with or related to). I am totally fine with this, like completely utterly 💯 fine. I wouldn't have been interested in this break anyway.

But the lie is so irritating and frankly, offensive. Also, similar has happened multiple times over the years and left me feeling confused and a little paranoid.

Also, I don't necessarily think the lack of information was about me but another friend (let's call her Davina) who was there. Or quite likely both of us.

Either way I'm so done with extended group politics and being lied to straight to my face.

I don't feel like being friends with Heidi anymore.

Yabu: What a massive overreaction to not being told about something you didn't even want to do.
Yanbu: being lied to is horrible and given its happened in the past, cut your losses.

I'm autistic and cannot bear this whole type of situation that you've described. I can't bear it so much that I prefer not to have to go through all the 'social' / gossip / game playing interactions that arise like office politics / friendship politics. Being lied to or deliberately deprived of information is crazy making. But here's the thing, it drives me so mad that now I've pretty much moved away from or ended most of my friendships over the years. And that can get a bit lonesome!

Anyway, my suggestion is, when these things happen, take a step back. In your mind, push these people a further to outer orbit of your social circle or activities, maybe even take up some new activities or friends. But don't cut them dead, don't create a huge conflict, drama or confrontation, or burn bridges.

The fact they behave like this means they're not capable of direct open communication and prefer to play silly games / deceits. It's not the end of the world as long you fully accept that as a fact and then deal with it accordingly. If you have different values (honesty, directness, and openness) that conflict with their behaviour, just minimise any situation to the point the way they are doesn't impact you. When I take people for how they are in reality without pondering if they've wronged me or not, it all seems a bit more manageable.

In my vast experience of dysfunctional friendship groups, I can tell you one thing as sure fact.

There are some people (who are always women, I have yet to meet men who do this) who actively enjoy knowing that when they upload their photos to FB or IG or whatever, that someone somewhere is sitting with hurt feelings.

They enjoy the superiority and powerful feeling it gives from excluding people from the group or with-holding information. It makes them feel cool, edgy, and bitchily on top form.

You can't say anything, as if you do, you look like some unreasonably needy whiny gimp and they know that and they have an excuse like oh it was last minute and blah. But if your intuition is telling you that's what it is, then it is. I've been on the inside and the outside of these nasty performances.

I had one friend for decades who only conducted her social life in this bizarre manner of creating little cliques and groups who she'd then play off against each other and include / exclude individuals at will, toying around with people. I've seen it all. I ended my friendship with her, she was sick as heck. Over the years she had made sudden and unexpected suicide attempts which she never ever discussed and the last time she succeeded so she's no longer here. But it goes to show these people are not well and this little dysfunctional game props up the way they feel they need to live. So, let them have it hey, but not to your detriment.

Yes and they’re often the same women that post #Be Kind all over their socials too.

Well said @JFT

The people who do this, ie exclude others, it enhances their own sense of belonging. The group is united by what they're not be that mothers of toddlers, women who are carrying extra weight, single mothers, mothers who aren't beautiful, women who aren't mothers, women who are mothers, women who wear dowdy clothes. There's always something about me. I am often excluded tbh, I'm one of those people who's fairly peripheral in every group. always an acquaintance. my acquaintances are often very friendly to me but I feel like I'm never at the centre of any group. Obviously that is about me not ''them''. I wonder if I'm keeping good people at a distance or something. I don't want to.

Hi everyone,

This is an old thread. I wanted to give an update of sorts.

I couldn't decide what to do so did nothing. I met up with Heidi and Davina for lunch over the weekend and we caught up on lots of stuff. At one point I asked her about the holiday. I didn't bother asking her why all the secrecy because what was clear when we met was she is struggling a lot with different things. She has had fallings out with three major people in her life recently and had been keeping it to herself. She is not coping.

I know she's not malicious and my guess is that she felt awkward as we were not on the invitation list (the accommodation was free and could only fit a limited number of people) and misread the situation. She seems shaky in general and very anxious.

So I'm glad I left it.

It does sound like a form of anxiety. She's so desperate to avoid awkwardness/hurt feelings that she creates both. It would have been nice to get your point across but it's probably not worth it, it may have put her on the spot and pushed her to the edge.

I think most of us said she was probably avoiding causing offence because you weren’t invited.. you were adamant that she knew you wouldn’t care because it was a different circle of friends that you didn’t socialise with.

A lot of posters were arguing that I did care. I didn't care but the cover up was annoying. It was frustrating to keep explaining that

Anyway it's her stuff, she's struggling and reading situations wrong a lot of the time.