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Original poster

Pointless lie from friend - I'm so over it

134 replies

Stupidliefromfriend · 12/10/2023 18:53

Ok this is long and over something fairly small.

Please no nasty "what a load of unnecessary drama" comments, you're welcome to not continue with the post.

Shortest version I can manage: my friend (lets call her Heidi) lied about going on holiday with other friends (who she is much closer with or related to). I am totally fine with this, like completely utterly 💯 fine. I wouldn't have been interested in this break anyway.

But the lie is so irritating and frankly, offensive. Also, similar has happened multiple times over the years and left me feeling confused and a little paranoid.

Also, I don't necessarily think the lack of information was about me but another friend (let's call her Davina) who was there. Or quite likely both of us.

Either way I'm so done with extended group politics and being lied to straight to my face.

I don't feel like being friends with Heidi anymore.

Yabu: What a massive overreaction to not being told about something you didn't even want to do.
Yanbu: being lied to is horrible and given its happened in the past, cut your losses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidliefromfriend · 12/10/2023 21:26

Ragwort · 12/10/2023 21:13

Just fade her out, you clearly are bothered as you are devoting a lot of time and attention to the situation... what's the actual point of asking her directly why she lied? If she replies along the lines 'my holidays are none of your business' (which is factually correct) what are you going to say?
I've told a lie recently to a friend, I was invited to something I really didn't want to go to and told her I had another commitment... should I have told the truth?
It all sounds very immature and dramatic.

I don't know, your lie seemed like it was the most convenient thing to say. Did you elaborate on your fake event and have a big conversation that your friend put energy into unnecessarily? That would have annoyed me

My friend's lie seemed bizarre. When she said she wasn't going anywhere I remember being very surprised and saying "why not? That's not like you, you are usually great for getting your holidays in." She then talked for a good while about her reasons for not going abroad. Myself and Davina nodded along and interacted with the topic.

Given she was leaving in two weeks it seems absolutely ridiculous.

I had just outlined my upcoming trips, none of which included either of them so I don't see why anybody would be embarrassed about not inviting me.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 21:26

Gawd I would hate this

I’d find it irritating, patronising and a whole other host of other things

i understand why you need to stay friends with them but god what a awful friendship group you have!

They obviously think you aren’t compatible enough to holiday with

theduchessofspork · 12/10/2023 21:37

Stupidliefromfriend · 12/10/2023 19:49

I plan to.

Herself, Davina and I (and potentially two others) have a dinner arranged for three weeks time.

I plan to say "you went on holiday with the others? How is everyone? Why did you say at lunch you weren't going anywhere"

I expect her to look awkward then say "it was only a few of us, we didnt want to say it to other people"

I'm going to calmly say "I don't like that you lied to me. It feels weird and unfortunately has impacted our friendship as it's happened quite a lot over the years".

Nothing more, nothing less.

Show quote history

But OP this is creating drama - and hurting Davina’s feelings to give yourself a quick thrill. You are far too old to behave like this.

You say you aren’t bothered c being excluded, so just phase the woman out like a grown up.

Original poster
Stupidliefromfriend · 12/10/2023 21:38

Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 21:26

Gawd I would hate this

I’d find it irritating, patronising and a whole other host of other things

i understand why you need to stay friends with them but god what a awful friendship group you have!

They obviously think you aren’t compatible enough to holiday with

Yes and they'd be right - I'm not compatible for holidaying with! That was very clear on our last very big group trip when we were on completely different schedules (basically I got up during daylight hours).

That is totally fine with me.

This holiday wasn't even Heidi's event. t was one of other woman's birthday and I'm not close with her. So there would be no expectation from me to be invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stupidliefromfriend · 12/10/2023 21:40

theduchessofspork · 12/10/2023 21:37

But OP this is creating drama - and hurting Davina’s feelings to give yourself a quick thrill. You are far too old to behave like this.

You say you aren’t bothered c being excluded, so just phase the woman out like a grown up.

Show quote history

I don't know how many times I have to say I'm NOT bothered at not being invited. I would not expect to be.

I am bothered by yet another unnecessary cover up story. Why bother?

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 12/10/2023 21:43

Stupidliefromfriend · 12/10/2023 21:40

I don't know how many times I have to say I'm NOT bothered at not being invited. I would not expect to be.

I am bothered by yet another unnecessary cover up story. Why bother?

Show quote history

Because she’s an idiot.

But why would you create a drama at a restaurant lunch and upset your mutual friend who might actually mind not having been invited.

Just cancel the lunch for blah reason, and phase her out.

It’s the only adult response.

Original poster
Stupidliefromfriend · 12/10/2023 21:44

theduchessofspork · 12/10/2023 21:43

Because she’s an idiot.

But why would you create a drama at a restaurant lunch and upset your mutual friend who might actually mind not having been invited.

Just cancel the lunch for blah reason, and phase her out.

It’s the only adult response.

Show quote history

Yes I've decided against it.

OP posts:
Okaaaay · 12/10/2023 21:47

Honestly, just let the whole thing fizzle out. Who has energy for that kind of drama. Find new friends and fill your life with other people.

3luckystars · 12/10/2023 21:49

I just don’t like liars. I would not want be around her much anymore.

WandaWonder · 12/10/2023 21:50

EnjoythemoneyJane · 12/10/2023 19:17

All depends where the motivation to lie has come from - is she lying because she’s been an active part of organising something that excludes you, or is she being evasive because she’s going on a trip she knows you’re not invited on but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings?

This, to actively lie there has to be a reason 'lying for the best' or 'lying because I hate you and am being mean'

Sure you don't have to get the reason but if it is important enough for the liar I would be fine with it

Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 21:51

Do they like to
booze a lot on hol?

Original poster
Stupidliefromfriend · 12/10/2023 21:57

Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 21:51

Do they like to
booze a lot on hol?

Yes and take drugs to my surprise. I was completely left out on the last one and would have no interest in going again.

OP posts:
Lesina · 12/10/2023 22:04

Weird.

BlueEyedPeanut · 12/10/2023 22:12

For your own sanity, you need to de-prioritise this person and their importance in your life. There is no need to confront her about anything. You have seen what she is like towards you and others. This is just who she is. Stop caring and stop expecting anything different.

Quitelikeit · 12/10/2023 22:16

well there you have it I’d be pleased not to go you’d think they’d have grown out of this kind of thing at their ages

Cello60 · 12/10/2023 22:32

Some people never grow up. I knew someone who did something similar for her 60th birthday/retirement party. 60!

it’s the assumption you’d be terribly offended at not getting to spend time in their august company that irritates.

and if you do cut them off/say something it just proves to them how right they are about their desirability.

CaughtUpInYourWishingWell · 12/10/2023 22:33

I don't mean for this to be hurtful, only honest. I don't think she values your friendship much. I'm not sure she feels close to you at all.

I think she's using you to be honest. She likes the odd lunch with you. A bit of a catch up. But really, when it comes down to it, she hasn't got your back.

I would just rebook the lunch and tell her it's cancelled; I don't know why her and divina are having to mean anyway if they don't get along. Then just don't message her and allow it to fade away.

She's not a real friend. She's a good time girl.

43ontherocksporfavor · 12/10/2023 22:38

I had a friend like this .The odd thing is she’d send me cards that said she was so glad to have a friend like me( not my style at all) but then totally leave me in the dark about quite important stuff. There was one too many and I let the friendship slide.

Saggypants · 12/10/2023 22:39

It's not unusual for people in my family to tag each other in FB posts even if they're not actually present. (I assume they don't really understand how FB works.) If there's no other evidence of her being away I wouldn't use that as 100% proof.

Anyway, I know you asked us not to but I do think your feelings are a bit OTT as are some of the responses. You seem quite insulted by the idea that she might assume you'd want to go and spare your feelings - there's definitely some ego involved.

She might genuinely be considerate and not wanting to cause hurt, although misguided. If you think the friendship is otherwise worth salvaging you could be honest with her, and just explain that you really do understand the friendship dynamics and you're ok with it, and she truly doesn't need to lie or cover anything up.

MsRosley · 12/10/2023 22:49

The older I get, the more I see lying as an irreparable breach of trust. Once someone has lied to you, you can't trust anything they say from that moment on.

Plus Heidi is completely toxic. You're well rid, OP.

Latenightreader · 12/10/2023 22:50

She sounds like my aunt who is so desperate to be liked/seen as popular and successful she tells lies about ridiculous things. She claimed that she had argued with my cousin (her niece) that I should have been a bridesmaid at her wedding. I have barely seen my cousin since we were kids and was never close to her then - it would have been completely weird to be asked. She pushed me into a group photo at the same cousin’s wedding when I had nothing to do with the group because she decided I felt left out - I really didn’t and she spoilt the photo for them (she was making such a thing about it I joined the photo rather than have her keep going on about it). These days we have almost no contact with her - it was just exhausting…

Imagwine · 12/10/2023 22:55

Yanbu

Newgirls · 12/10/2023 23:02

I think she’s a not very bright, people pleaser

i dont think she wants to upset you hence going out for lunch. She massively over thinks things.

You could just decide to think of her as a bit daft and not take her very seriously. That way you can still stay in touch.

GodDammitCecil · 12/10/2023 23:03

It sounds like her behaviour - the lying / fudging / deliberate omissions - are motivated by, if not good intentions, then at least not bad intentions. She wants to spare hurt feelings, people feeling excluded, awkwardness, etc.

But actually, that doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter that her behaviour may be coming from the right place. What matters is the impact it has on you.

She is hard work. You’re incompatible with her. How she handles things is not how you would handle things. You don’t like her. Or, at least, you don’t like a lot of her behaviours (which kind of boils down to the same thing).

The friendship is over, really isn’t it? I agree with pp that there’s little to be gained with having it out with her.

Just demote her. Don’t seek her out for catch-ups or include her in your stuff. And be busy when she (deigns to) invite you.

I think doing this, and focusing on your easier (low drama?) friends will result in a happier life.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 12/10/2023 23:51

Can I say she sounds very controlling of the group ie like the 'queen bee' at secondary!

But I don't think you have a friend issue I think uou have a friends issue. I'm assuming none of these who went on holiday have mentioned it, possibly on her insistence but that's them enabling her behaviour.

I think I'd personally message them all something along the lines of
'For some reason Heidi has lied to you, youre disappointed and just dont get it?! it feels weird that as mature women they felt it necessary to do that, it feels like you're back in school....etc'

BTW had no trouble following and understanding your post.

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