Pointless lie from friend - I'm so over it

[Stupidliefromfriend]

Ok this is long and over something fairly small.

Please no nasty "what a load of unnecessary drama" comments, you're welcome to not continue with the post.

Shortest version I can manage: my friend (lets call her Heidi) lied about going on holiday with other friends (who she is much closer with or related to). I am totally fine with this, like completely utterly 💯 fine. I wouldn't have been interested in this break anyway.

But the lie is so irritating and frankly, offensive. Also, similar has happened multiple times over the years and left me feeling confused and a little paranoid.

Also, I don't necessarily think the lack of information was about me but another friend (let's call her Davina) who was there. Or quite likely both of us.

Either way I'm so done with extended group politics and being lied to straight to my face.

I don't feel like being friends with Heidi anymore.

Yabu: What a massive overreaction to not being told about something you didn't even want to do.
Yanbu: being lied to is horrible and given its happened in the past, cut your losses.

I don't blame you. I try not to be offended by comments that could be taken two ways, but this is highlighting how false it all is.

If they genuinely think you'd be upset not to be included, they could have INVITED YOU.
I've been in these shoes and being duped is the worst thing. Being excluded outright would give you the option to assess, does this matter? would I have gone? Am I hurt? But when they exclude you and then lie about it, it's like you're cast in the role of somebody whose company would have ruined it for the others, somebody so sensitive they can't know that they're not invited, and a fool for not piecing together that a holiday happened.

Not a holiday, but you can tell I've been in this situation more or less and you just end up feeling what. is. the. point. It's not drama. It's like there come's a moment where you just opt out of the cabaret going on around you.

This sounds a bit like someone trying to juggle lots of different but overlapping friendship groups and not upset anyone. If Davina was likely to kick off about not being invited on the holiday then I can understand why other friend didn't want to mention it. When she mistakenly invited you it sounds like there was going to be someone there who wouldn't want to be there with you and was trying not to make things awkward.

TBH it sounds like a nightmare trying to juggle all these friendship groups. If you think it's all bs and she should just be honest instead of trying to keep everyone happy then step away from it all. If you think it's not malicious and she's just trying to keep people happy then accept that that is how she is. I don't think there's any right or wrong.

You have summed up exactly how I feel about it. The covert "don't let anyone else know, it's just us" vibe. Get a life, everyone else has.

Actually she sounds very controlling and dramatic, that's how teens behave constantly stirring. She needs to be reminded that adults can decide for themselves who to spend time with. I'd certainly not want to be around someone like this assuming everyone to be childish and over as you say. It's tedious and creating tension and lies.

It’s pathetic of her. She has strong friendships with other people in your group? So? It’s insulting she thinks you, a grown woman, couldn’t cope with that fact… I couldn’t be arsed - it’s like secondary school.

I would not have expected an invitation. The attendees are all either related by blood or marriage or lived together for ages. They are tight knit. I am friends with three of them and acquaintances with the other three.

If I was invited it would have only made sense as part of a larger group. I cannot stress how much this isn't a problem for me.

I would have just said (and meant it) "oh wow, tell me more, where are you staying, what are the plans etc?"

Dear OP, if you stand quite far away from this situation and blur the exact details do you think what you're really describing is a bunch of people who have really different values and ways of interacting socially from yourself?

This circle isn't a comfortable fit for you any more, if it ever was completely.

I'd like to believe that somewhere you could find a bunch of nice straightforward people who enjoy more of the things you do.

Do you want to stay friends? If you do I’d probably message her to say it isn’t an issue she went with the others, she could have told you before. Hope she had a wonderful trip.
fwiw I’ve experienced this a lot in different friendships and with colleagues. It’s tiring and boring, the group dynamics feel no different to secondary school

But it seems like you really ARE bothered about who does what with who in this wider friendship group. If not, why would you post on Mumsnet about it and threaten to have nothing more to do with them?

I haven't threatened to have no more to do with THEM. I hope they enjoy their holiday and look forward to hearing about it. I have a few breaks booked that I'm very excited about. We talked about it at the lunch.

This group often holiday together in various formations. I've gone twice in the last few years but that was as part of a larger group and truthfully haven't enjoyed as we lead different lifestyles. This is why I wouldn't be interested (not that I'd say that, if a bigger group was planned I'd make an excuse) but still hope they have a ball.

I'm worn out with Heidi and how she lies to my face, it's tiresome to have to navigate what's really happening.

Is she an extreme people pleaser them? Terrified of upsetting X Y Z and then getting it really wrong and herself in a mess?

YANBU. Do you really think their is no malice/ego boost for her doing this? My initial thought was that she lied with the full intention of it being found out so she could make you feel like she has/feel more popular or superior to you. Really dick move, especially from someone her age - unfortunately not uncommon.

Whatever her motivations, I would listen to how this is making you feel and your reaction that you’re over it. Save yourself the intense irritation of the future covert put-downs that will inevitably come.

I agree with you Op, it sounds very tiresome and silly.
I have too much going on in my life to bother with people who carry on with this kind of nonsense.

Yeah, I won't be lied to and would have ditched Heidi way before now. I wouldn't even tell her I was ditching her.

Over the years I've also drawn a hard line on people who only ever seem to contact me when they want something. You all know the type. Don't hear from them for ages. Get a let's go to coffee / brunch. Have a nice catch up. One more general chat a day or so later. Third contact, hey can you do me a favour? All of those have been scrapped as well and I'm never available. They soon figure it out

It's not malice with Heidi. It's more like she ties herself in knots imagining people are going to be offended, situations are going to be awkward. She also commits to absolutely loads of stuff which is so irritating if you've travelled to meet her then she's in a mad rush because she also agreed to meet someone else. Or she keeps talking on the phone.

Just fade her out. Don’t arrange meet-ups. If Davina wants to know why you’re no longer coming to lunch etc, tell her you’re a bit fed up with Heidi’s weird attitude to group stuff so you’re just not making an effort any longer. If she’s fallen out with Heidi in the past she’ll hardly be surprised. If Heidi notices you’ve faded away, and asks you why, feel free to tell her then.

Odds on she won’t notice for ages.

Perhaps this yes. I've heard her husband argue with her about stuff like

"In the morning, we are going to thank the hosts, pack our bags and go. Don't offer anyone lifts. My sister is expecting us at X time and we will be late if we don't go there directly."

She will agree but then be offering lifts and saying "we can squeeze you in don't worry, it's only five minutes out of the way. Much nicer than the train."

Then the person is in the car when they were perfectly happy to get the train wondering why there is tension. This exact scenario happened to a friend of mine, she was planning to get the train. She ended up going with them, they realised they were going to be late so after sitting in a car with them smoking (she was appalled)nfor forty minutes they dropped her somewhere even less accessible and she ended up getting a bus home.

This was my friend that they don't know at my party. Heidi practically wrestled her into the car then decided it wasn't convenient.

She was quite bothered by it, as if she had unreasonably asked for a favour (she hadn't).

You want my advice? Drop your so-called friend. After all, she no longer behaves like a friend towards you. Don't have it out with her - it will achieve nothing. Don't be rude if you encounter her - she is now just someone you used to be friends with, and is now demoted to an acquaintance. Keep your other friends if they are OK people. Don't mention the so-called friend to them, and don't bitch about her.

You are right.

This thread has been really useful. At first I thought it is best to say it to her straight.

But that will only result in a skewed version circulating with people saying I'm upset that I wasn't invited and how that is unreasonable (which it would be).

It sounds like they are very cliquey and you are on the outskirts of the group (but perhaps don’t care that much as they lead a different lifestyle). Perhaps you have outgrown each other and it’s time to move on.

Just fade her out, you clearly are bothered as you are devoting a lot of time and attention to the situation... what's the actual point of asking her directly why she lied? If she replies along the lines 'my holidays are none of your business' (which is factually correct) what are you going to say?
I've told a lie recently to a friend, I was invited to something I really didn't want to go to and told her I had another commitment... should I have told the truth?
It all sounds very immature and dramatic.

I hear you and personally wouldn't feel comfortable with being lied to over going on holiday when it was brought up and then announced "all packed" like it was commonplace knowledge. It's what I call "funny bugger friend behaviour" and it either shows she's inconsiderate or the friendship between you isn't close as your thoughts or expectations of it.

OP, I feel sad you had to write about the nasty comments potentially to come when you shouldn't have to but yes, society seems to look down on wanting friendships and it's deemed lesser often than romantic relationships or kid issues. It's unfair when many of us are not married/don't have kids or larger families and really want to feel a sense of community over friends. Or still have those things and struggle or have a want for friends.

YANBU.

That's a good point raised by Sequential ... if you ask her outright it will look as though you are bothered so the best thing is to just rise above the whole situation.

I am on the outskirts, yes. I always have been but that was by choice.

I didn't want to live together when we were younger, I don't like being so enmeshed. As the years went on, our lives continued to take different paths; I had a different attitude to my career when we were younger, I didnt have DC when they did. I made other friends but overall I just liked my own space more and I was more of a part-time attendee.

If did mean when a very tight inner circle formed I wasn't in it which is fair enough.

I have a friend who lies about things that just don't need to be lied about too and it's exhausting. Also pretty embarrassing for her because we all (our friendship group) know she's a liar and now struggle to believe a word she says which isn't nice for us or her. I would take a step back from her if I were you.

I’ve known people like that. The story about pushing someone into accepting a lift when it wasn’t practical reminds me of someone I knew. They’d do things like try to get me an invite for some dinner party and then the host would have a private word with me saying sorry I couldn’t go as if it was me pushing for it. It’s too much childish drama whether it’s meant to be or not. I’d cut ties and move on.